tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post1333837729821612749..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages October Workshop - Entry #4, Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-87778106791535024282011-10-12T14:15:29.644-04:002011-10-12T14:15:29.644-04:00Thanks again for all the feedback! The scene with ...Thanks again for all the feedback! The scene with the cutter is meant to give insight into Emma, not comment on cutting at all, so I'll work on polishing that. Honestly, I don't think I've touched that scene since I scribbled it out. And I see all the he/shes now. One of those hazards of editing... The "real or perceived danger" line has thrown a lot of people. I think it's time to cut it.<br />I do tend to favor a strong narrative voice, so I'll have to work on pulling in. Just personal preference, but I dislike first person and frequently put down books because I don't like to read first person. It's too close and I like that broader scope. But I do see the need to keep in close to pull the reader in. I think, for me, it's a balance.<br />Thanks again for the feedback! It really helps to get some honest reactions!Jenny Kaczorowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289053983485597342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-23369582172576943862011-10-12T12:34:27.915-04:002011-10-12T12:34:27.915-04:00Again, such beautiful writing. I want to read it. ...Again, such beautiful writing. I want to read it. That said, I agree with Martina that the biggest issue I see is the tendency to pull out of that close perspective. She wouldn't be describing herself in the beginning of the third part for example. I know I say it all the time, but writing just a bit in first might be an eye opener.<br /><br />Also, and this is such a minor complaint, but the first sentence doesn't feel quite as strong as the rest! I think it's simply the shiver down the spine. Maybe it's too cliche? I've certainly used it too (blushes). But maybe for that first line...Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-73524709273519804042011-10-11T13:22:58.897-04:002011-10-11T13:22:58.897-04:00Hi Jenny,
Great job! You've pulled up the hoo...Hi Jenny,<br /><br />Great job! You've pulled up the hook and smoothed out the structure a lot. At this point, I suggest that you start going through line by line to see where you're repeating, or echoing sentence structure, or subtly shifting POV or voice.<br /><br />As an example, the first few paragraphs contain several sentences that end in "her," and someone else already pointed out the series of "He" starters. Things like, "He threw a towel over his broad shoulders and stuck his head into the darkened hallway," are jarring, because clearly he wouldn't think of his shoulders in that context. Read through to see who is saying what, whose head you are in, how much distance you want from that character, and how you want to balance that against the information you need to convey. Things like "broad shoulders" are major signals, almost to the point of cliche, and need to be treated very carefully.<br /><br />Also, I'm not starting with a clear image of where she is in relationship to the grave in that first paragraph. It's below her? I caught on that phrase and it derailed me for a while. <br /><br />Similarly, things like "She fought to extinguish the spark of sympathy" trip me up on multiple levels. First, if she wanted to run after him, that's not a spark, it's a full-fledged impulse, no? So I start wondering what it is and why you are phrasing it that way instead of reading forward. Mainly though, it trips me because that isn't a very teen perspective. <br /><br />Really, these are small things. You've done a great job with the set up. This is just the next step beyond the structure.<br /><br />Looking forward to the next round.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-50828615644210178152011-10-10T21:31:01.345-04:002011-10-10T21:31:01.345-04:00Still liking this. The reason I think it's so ...Still liking this. The reason I think it's so strong, even though you're using quiet language, is that you've tapped into drama rather than melodrama. (Have been reading more of what Les Edgerton says about this in 'Hooked.') Those quiet words in that little dialogue with Gabe and his mom tell volumes, but keep the reader wanting to know more. There's some quiet power there.<br /><br />Really a great balance. Also definitely wondering what's up with Emma. : )Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91634449666893029922011-10-10T20:21:57.945-04:002011-10-10T20:21:57.945-04:00Again, I like this as much as last week's. And...Again, I like this as much as last week's. And as I've said before, writing is subjective, because I had a different reaction to Emma's vision of the kid cutting his wrist. It made me curious about Emma's ability to see what this kid was doing to himself and why she felt like she needed to help him. To me, it put her in a dilemna--she is one of those people who wants to save the world, and it pains her to know that she can't.<br /><br />All of these openinings are making me wish they were already books I could pull off the shelf and read.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-20174510519394564282011-10-10T12:12:50.879-04:002011-10-10T12:12:50.879-04:00Excellent excellent job about bringing up why Emma...Excellent excellent job about bringing up why Emma avoids people into the beginning!<br /><br />Something about the phrase "ready to react to any real or perceived danger." in Gabriel's scene feels off. Another thing I noticed is several sentences in a row start with He in Gabriel's scene (He exhaled.../He doubted.../ He slipped.../ He leaned...)<br /><br />The scene of Emma's second vision of the kid who is a cutter comes off preachy now especially the sentence that says she wants to hug him and assure him life would get better.Steph Schmidthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00975939582442193113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-25601257477232876382011-10-10T09:29:47.888-04:002011-10-10T09:29:47.888-04:00Love the revisions. Great job! Would love to read ...Love the revisions. Great job! Would love to read more of this story and see where it goes next.Katie O'Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17295418503546522882noreply@blogger.com