tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post1078499942337929208..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages February Workshop - Mezher Rev 3Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-63275214402995791072012-03-01T23:08:17.855-05:002012-03-01T23:08:17.855-05:00Good job! I love the way you've built up the r...Good job! I love the way you've built up the relationship with her brother. It really helps me feel more for the character. I especially like the sleeve habit. The only thing I'm not sure about is the opening line. It feels wrong. Maybe because of the tense. It's present, so how does she know it's not the worst part of the day? That's not the kind of question you want the reader asking right away, so I'd lose it or change it. Otherwise, awesome.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-67301266872795480412012-02-29T13:51:53.713-05:002012-02-29T13:51:53.713-05:00I love the changes you've made. I feel like I ...I love the changes you've made. I feel like I have a much stronger understanding of the world now -- and that I'm much more in her head than I was before.<br /><br />I love the addition the sleeve fiddling being a nervous habit, the connection between the ozones and the government's disconnect with the realities of life, and especially her statement that Tor is too young, too inexpeerienced to come with her -- what a way to make me want to know what she's about to do!<br /><br />I like the new idea for a first line, too, but I'm not sold on the way it's currently worded. There's the something about it's rhythm that feels unbalanced. Maybe add an "even" as in: "Navigating the morning swarm isn't even the worst part of my day."? But I'm not sure about that either. You know, I don't even know if you need that sentence. Starting right in on the next paragraph could be fine. <br /><br />Also, the paragraph starting with "Eighteen years old" feels a bit abrupt. Could you connect her age to the struggle to get enough food or say more specifically if she's competing with the hoards of others trying to get a job? I suppose part of the problem is that I don't know what it means to be 18 in her society.<br /><br />I think this really great -- and with such beautiful writing! Good luck with it!Ann Bradenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06948850218207863022noreply@blogger.com