Monday, March 12, 2012

8 1st 5 Pages March Workshop - Silva

Name: Jessica Silva
Genre: YA sci-fi (with steampunk elements)

On the same day for the last six years, I skipped class to sneak into the intern’s lecture. I had the procedure perfected now. When the morning’s cleaning staff finished their last sweep of the castle, I was already in the shadows outside the giant double doors. I counted to ten. Then I hurried inside and slipped down the hall to the left.

The familiar creak of the lecture hall’s double doors brought a smile to my face. Another year I wouldn’t have to try using one of the excused I’d penned on my hand in case I was caught. Stifling a yawn, I slipped into the dark auditorium and shut the door behind me. Motion sensors set gears clicking into place until sparks ignited the Blaugas lighting. I took in a big breath, surveyed the auditorium seating and stage set with just a lectern. Only shadows stared back.

I bit off the last chunk of my apple and threw the core into the compost bin hidden by the velvet drapery on the walls. The same two stairs as last year squeaked under my feet. My fingers slid over the smooth finish on the tables in the third row as I moved to the fourth section. No one ever sat over here. I sank into the last armchair and stilled. After a minute, the lights shut off to conserve the gas.

Now I just had to wait. I clenched my jaw against another yawn. Thirty minutes was nothing compared to the year I’d already waited to see Dad again. My hands clutched the lion heads at the ends of the armrests. This would be easy.

Suddenly, the door creaked. I shot under the table as the Blaugas lit again. My hand clasped my shirt over my heart. I would’ve clutched it instead if I could to stop the deuced thumping. So loud. Had someone seen me? Hang it all.

A soft, low hum filled the auditorium. Footsteps climbed down the stairs to the front of the room. Casual, comfortable. If it were a student, I could probably convince them to keep quiet, but if it were a professor, it’d be a bit more difficult. I released a shaky breath. Difficult, but not impossible. If they caught me, I’d just have to tell them the real reason I was here.

I peeked around the corner of the desk. White hair puffed on the top of a head like a cloud. The professor. He shuffled to the stage in full academic robes. His knees cracked, and the sound echoed through the room.

“I guess that’s what I get for refusing those joint replacements last year!” he said to himself. He grinned his way to the lectern on the left side of the stage. His hands opened its cabinet door and started fiddling with the projector’s settings.

I dropped my shirt. Nothing to worry about. The professor was just early this year. My entire body loosened, and I resettled myself under the desk. Closed my eyes. Started my mental countdown.

This professor wasn’t the only one who’d refused to trade out their arthritic joints last year. Premier Castol had, too—and every year beforehand. That old man even wore glasses. He was the only person I knew who did. He insisted he didn’t need prosthetics to be healthy. Most of the professors who’d been born at the end of the war were like that.

The door opened again. Much too soon. I held my breath. Was it someone coming to tell the professor he had a sneak in his class?

“Aren’t you rather early, Eques?” the professor asked.

I choked. I’d forgotten Gavriel would be attending the lecture this year, since he’d become an intern. Even if he’d seen me, he wouldn’t tell, would he? I would hack into the system and fail him in every single one of his classes if he did.

Gavriel’s soft chuckle resounded through the room. It pinched the nerves all the way down my spine. “I can leave and come back later if you’d prefer?” he said and padded down the stairs anyway.

“No, no,” the professor said, “that won’t be necessary. I do enjoy the company of a good, youthful mind from time to time. Perhaps you’d like to help me set up for our lecture this morning?”

“With pleasure.” His boots met the hollow stage with muffled thumps.

I resisted my urge to peek around the desk just to see his stupid mug. Not worth it if he spotted me. He had some kind of trick with that sort of thing—be it finding me from across the parterre or hearing me from two floors down. It was a worthless talent.

He was probably here for class, not to tattle. We had been still best friends when I’d told him my plan to sneak in. That was five years ago. He wouldn’t remember something stupid like that, right? And if he’d were going to betray me, he would’ve said something by now. I was safe.

After twenty minutes, the rest of the interns—all eleven of them—filtered in and took their seat. Always in section two and three. My legs had fallen asleep by the time the professor finished his rambling introduction of the day’s lecture. I didn’t need it. I knew exactly what today’s topic was.

The room darkened. Under the blanket of shadows, I crawled from beneath the desk and sat on the stairs. Hidden from the interns with roaming eyes, I was alone in my own little corner. Finally, the projector hummed and golden wisps of light stuttered to life.

On the stage, the holograms of nine dead historians lounged in oversized armchairs. They went down the line with intros, and then it was his turn.

“Hello, interns,” the last historian said with a bright smile. The same as always. “My name is Dr. Evander Clemens.”

“Hi, Dad.” I wrapped my arms around one of the table’s legs. My eyes burned with tears. I didn’t hold them back. But it was fine since no one could see me.

While the other eight historians rambled their pre-programmed lectures one at a time, I watched Dad’s frozen form stare into the aisles. I tried to commit every angle of his face to memory all over again. His slicked back blond hair, clean-shaven face, sturdy jaw, and sharp nose. After an hour and forty-five minutes, Dad cleared his throat and stood. My wet cheek rested against the cold wood leg.

“So I heard you want to be historians,” he said, folding his arms over his chest. The black silk of his robes rippled with the movement. “Not a bad choice, if you want my opinion. Which of course you do. You wouldn’t be sitting there if you didn’t.” He flashed a boyish grin, and despite my tears, I smiled right back. “Just kidding. None of you really had a choice. Mandatory lectures were always beastly annoying, so I’ll be quick.” He twisted his mouth. “Quick-like, rather. I’m a rambler.”

The interns stifled their laughter, and my grin only grew. I couldn’t help it.


  1. I like this beginning so much more. I know straight up why she's there, what her goal is - still don't see risks but perhaps there aren't any.

    A few things: "Another year I won't have to try...." I thought she was remembering a past year. Maybe switch Another to One more year.
    "I dropped my shirt" made me think she dropped it to the floor - maybe I let go of my shirt.
    Also - the "If it were a student..." sounded wrong to me. I think the correct tense is was - If it was a student. And again for the next sentence. Since you already have the word 'if' , I don't think you need to conditional 'were'. Not 100% sure on that, so maybe look that up.

    But that's it. Good job setting up the world. Keep on writing.

  2. Definitely much easier to understand what's happening, and I really like all the descriptions. You know you're in an alternate reality. Again, the last two paragraphs are very powerful, they hook my emotions and intrigue me.
    Something to think about: instead of her sneaking in being a situation she'd get into trouble for, perhaps it's something the other Prof's are aware of--and permit--as long as she stays hidden from the other interns. Because this sneaking part isn't as interesting to me. There's no real stakes or consequences, but there doesn't have to be. I can picture your MC sneaking in (shows off her stealth skills), throwing the apple in the compost (responsible, relaxed and slightly arrogant since she's meant to be sneaky), and waiting to see her Dad (vulnerable and likeable). If you took out some of that "will they notice me?" stuff you'll have more room for details that serve the story.

  3. If she's caught, she's likely to get a demerit. I hadn't thought of what would happen if the professor knew she'd be there and permitted it. That's honestly a great idea. Thank you!

    Thanks both of you :) awesome catches <3

  4. Jessica - intriguing premise! I feel for your MC right away with the father situation. I also assume the boy a year ahead is the love interest? I guess I'd like to see even more of the world, it seems like an interesting mix of both fantasy like elements and science. I want to understand her position in the world a bit more. At first I thought her sneaking in was far more potentially detrimental. I would also like a hint at the major problem in these first pages. I see her internal struggle starting, but what's the challenge? It doesn't have to happen outright yet, but I do want a clue. So far so good!

  5. Hi Jessica,

    Definitely stronger! I completely agree with Sarah that I would love to see more of her character come through faster and with Lisa that I would like more of her problem faster. I'd also like a better sense of whether this is a video of some sort that she is seeing, or if--for those brief moments--her father is actually there and can interact with the students? I love the idea that the professors know she is there, or that she is confident enough in her skills that she is sure (and face it, after 6 years, she should be!) that she won't get caught. Maybe she is the master of sneaking. Is she pushing herself to find ever more outrageous ways to hide? As it is, she feels a bit passive.

    I'd still love even MORE of the world coming through. What other things can you bring in here?

    Looking forward to finding out! :D



  6. Hi Jessica! Definitely think there is more clarity now in the beginning. I agree that we know what the MC's agenda is from the get go. You have great description of the lecture hall as well. I get more of a feel for where we are. Just a couple of questions. What is the MC's rank in this society/world? Why would she get in trouble for being there? How does being a computer hacker fit in? All really intriguing ideas you are building here. Just looking for a bit more clarity. Can't wait to read more!

  7. Hey Jessica,I agree with the comments about the revision having more clarity.

    Just an addition to the comments above. Maybe could build up on the excitement from the begining, how she feels(since she is going to see her dad and it's been a while since she did)I noticed she yawns twice which can be construed as a tiresome task (depending on who is reading). Or probably this scene takes place really early in the morning or late a night, I couldn't tell 'cause it'S not mentioned.Just a thought. Look forward to reading more. :)


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