Thursday, September 30, 2010

5 Query Letter #13

Query Letter #13
Your Name: Vincent Kale
Title: Blackwatch: Order and Chaos
Genre: YA/Sci-Fi

Dear Ms. LaPolla,

Fifteen-year-old Lamarr Jeffers hopes his newfound ability to control time will be enough to imprison the creatures of Chaos before they destroy his world; too bad he’s the one that let them escape in the first place.

When he messes with a futuristic watch in his uncle’s pawn shop, Lamarr unknowingly stops time and crashes the Gate keeping the creatures at bay. Now free from their prison, scores of them pour through the opening into our world and overwhelm the Guardians put in place to protect it.

To replace the fallen Guardians, Lamarr and his best friend Tinka are recruited by the Blackwatch, a timeless society of warriors that fight the eternal struggle against creatures from the ash-covered jungles of Chaos. The new powers granted to Lamarr and Tinka can make the pair unstoppable, if they can put their egos aside and learn to work together.

Their mentors: an ass-kicking duo of time-traveling, sword-wielding bikers. Their allies: the warriors of the Blackwatch, chosen from history’s greatest champions of past, present and future. Their weapon: a scuffed-up wristwatch…

Now it’s up to Lamarr and Tinka to learn fast, train hard and stay alive. If they succeed in ridding their world of the creatures of Chaos, they will earn immortality in the ranks of the Blackwatch. If they fail, their world will be annihilated.

No pressure.

"Blackwatch: Order and Chaos" is a YA/Sci-Fi novel complete at approximately 60,000 words. And while the fate of our world rests heavily on Lamarr’s shoulders, Tinka is much more than just a capable sidekick. To paraphrase Lamarr, sometimes it seems like she should be the hero in this story!

Also, an outline for the second book in this series, "Blackwatch: The Verge Escapement," is available upon request.

Thank you for your consideration!


Vincent Kale


  1. Vincent,

    LOVE IT!!! I did from the beginning, but I think you've done a great job polishing it. The only part I question is the part about Tinka. It felt wrong. I think you should leave it alone. just cut that and move the next paragraph up, cutting out the word "Also." Where's you bio?? If nothing else are you a member of SCBWI (it lets me know you're serious about this writing thing). Taken any courses? A degree that might be relevant? How about a blog? Just suggestions. Another thought is personalizing it to the specific agent. Why did you write to her of all people? Did you do your research and find an interview or something where you connected with something she said? :D
    Not all agents look for this, but I think it is a nice addition. Best of luck!! I'd love to hear how it goes for you.

  2. Lisa,

    Thanks again for all of your positive comments along the way!

    I agree that the mention of Tinka at the end felt tacked on. That's because it was! I noticed that Ms. LaPolla was looking for strong female characters and wanted to mention that "Blackwatch" was not a male-dominated story. The addition was hasty and last-minute though.

    My bio info (blog/contact) is in the signature of my query emails. Unfortunately, my background is in science though I do have a few writing courses. I'm still looking into memberships as I'm not sure what genre I'll end up writing in. All great suggestions though!

    Thanks again for all your help and positivity!

  3. Great job! This query letter sounds fantastic. Good luck with this. Your book sounds really interesting.

  4. I love this!

    The only part that threw me off was the line "And while the fate of our world rests heavily on Lamarr’s shoulders, Tinka is much more than just a capable sidekick. To paraphrase Lamarr, sometimes it seems like she should be the hero in this story!" after the word count. It seemed out of place, and didn't really add to the plot.

    Overall great job. I really like this query and your story sounds interesting (and fresh)

  5. I love this, too, with the exception of the tacked-on Tinka bit. :)

    Great job making a decent pitch outstanding.


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