Thursday, September 9, 2010

11 Pitch Entry#15: Shelley Watters

Genre: YA Paranormal Romance

When Anna meets a boy she’s been dreaming about while excavating a tomb in Egypt, she discovers that their lives have been entwined in a millennia-long war between Anubis and Osiris, and that they must locate Osiris’ tomb before the death god is unleashed on Egypt, or their past is the only thing they’ll have together.


  1. I totally love the premise of this story. In my opinion, this logline feels too long to me and names should be omitted from loglines.

    Something like this maybe -- Two lives entwined in a millennia-long war between the gods must locate the death god's tomb and stop him before he destroys Egypt. --

    Or like this -- When a girl meets a boy while excavating a tomb in Egypt, she discovers their past lives have been entwined in a millennia-long war between the gods and that it is up to them to stop the death god before he destroys Egypt.

    Okay, probably not the best examples but something along those lines. I don't know, it's just my opinion and someone else may feel differently. I'm very intrigued with your story. Good luck!

  2. I've heard several agents suggest that log lines should be kept at or below 32 words; you have to be able to say them in one breath.

    However, I don't agree that names should always be kept out of log lines. I think your MC's name should be in it - and your second MC if it's a romance.

  3. Cut to the essence of what's at stake. You don't have to tell the details in a logline. Distill the heart of the story's essential components.

    This is just an example:

    A war between Gods may negate Anna's future chance at love, leaving only an empty past in its wake.

    The premise is catchy, just be careful you don't bog down the reader with too many details or wordiness. All the best!

  4. I've also heard the advice that log lines need to be short--like 25 words. I loved yours, though I was trying to catch my breath reading it.

    Maybe cut it so it reads that Anna is the only one how has to unleash the death god. It'll save a lot of words.

    Okay, I know that's not great advice since this is the romance and where is the romantic part if you cut the guy out? I'm having the same issue with mine, so I'm the worst one to give advice.

  5. I recognize parts of that. *G* I really like it but I agree it's too long. SO!

    Anna’s life has been intertwined with BOY’s for millennia, but if she can’t prevent the Egyptian death god from being unleashed, the past is the only thing they’ll have together. ?

  6. Wow. This is a tough one!! Reason being, it is good, but it is long. And it feels like all the information is relevant.

    Anna discovers her past is linked with the X, boy of her dreams, (good) and a millennia long battle between two Egyptian gods (not so good), now she must work with X to stop this war before the past is the only thing they'll have together.

    Not sure that's any shorter! Just work on simplifying a little bit. But overall, I really do like it.

  7. I love the concept you've got here and you have great stakes, but I have to agree it needs to be simplified. Keep Anna's name and maybe the love interest, but Anubis & Osiris should be shortened to something more general. Combine ideas wherever you can. Some of the suggestions above are spot on, I think

  8. I like the first half of this and I agree with everyone else that you need to keep Anna's name. It's the second half I think you can trim. I don't think we have to know the specific gods involved, or exactly what Anna and BOY (cringing that I can't remember his name from your pitch) have to do in order to avert disaster. Just a sense of what they have to do will work.

  9. I like the shorter suggestions,but do think both MC's names should be mentioned since this is a romance too. The god's names only confuse me. In the book okay, but they are too much to sort out in a blurb.

    Otherwise, it sounds like a great story.

  10. Now THAT is a pitch! When can I buy/read this??


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