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Carrie, I think this is too vague. In your longer pitch, Elana pointed out that your hook was this "forcing Kate to move from the lush beaches of California to the barren desert of Panaca, Nevada where she'll be living with her Grandma and a herd of cows" and that is nowhere in this logline.Good luck!
I agree that it is too vague. It could be about any one of a million stories. Show us what makes your story unique.
Yeah, I agree with Larissa and Sarah. I'd have to go back to refresh myself on your whole query, but (don't hate me!) there's nothing special here. As Sarah said, you want something that shows a multitude of things in just a few words.1. Voice2. Character (age included) ((You've got "young girl" here and that makes it sound like she's 8 or something.))3. PlotYou can show all of that in a single sentence. I'm not sure you've done any of those... I know there's a fire, a girl, and a boy. I don't know anything else. I don't have to know everything, but I do have to know why I should read your girl/boy/fire story and not the next person's.
Here's another shot. Hope I don't miss too badly again. :)Crippled by her father's death and her subsequent fear of fire, seventeen year old Kate battles against a new home, old dreams, and a firefighter who could very well be the key to her success--if his attempts don't end up killing her first.
Carrie, this is better, but maybe mention that her father was killed in a fire as this seems to be the catalyst for the story. Seventeen-year-old Kate's firefighter dad is killed on duty, sparking nightmare dreams and cripples a fresh start as she moves to a new life, and a new love with a young firefighter who may have the power to save her if his efforts to win her love doesn't kill her first.
Okay, yes! Much better. I'm still going to tear it apart though... :)Crippled by her father's [fiery] death, seventeen year old Kate battles against (I'm not sure about the "battles against". How do you battle a new home? It feels a bit off to me. Maybe like, "...Kate faces" or "Kate struggles with" or something along those lines.) a new home, old dreams, and a firefighter who could very well be the key to her success--if his attempts don't end up killing her first.That's it. I shortened it by taking out the "and her subsequent fear of fire" and making it clear that her dad died in a fire. I toyed with taking out "first" at the end of the sentence, but it's probably fine.The other thing I'm trying to figure out is "key to her success." I'm not sure what you mean by that part. She's not, like, trying to get a job or into college. She's trying to move on with her life. Unlock the part of her that can love a firefighter again, no? I might maybe go more into that. Well, not more, but change it. "...and a firefighter who could very well help her unlock her fear--" or"...and a firefighter who could very well bring heat into her life again--"Or some such. Ooooh, "thaw her heart"?? Or is that just lame? It's okay. You can tell me it's lame. :)
Elana 'thaw her heart' might be lame, but I totally love it! I also agree with everyone's comments about the second logline you put up Carrie. It's much better, and much closer to your pitch. Well on the way to being supreme! Good luck! :D
Rock on! I'll keep on with changes. Thanks everyone!
My thanks to everyone and to Elana for all her helpful suggestions. Let's see if this one comes closer. :)Crippled by her father's fiery death, seventeen year old Kate struggles with a new home, old dreams, and a firefighter who will do anything to help unlock all of her fears--even if it means putting her own life on the line.
Tell us what you think. We'd love to hear from you! :)