Thursday, September 9, 2010

5 Pitch Entry #: 33 Laura Diamond

Genre: YA Dystopian

Log Line: Seventeen-year-old Justin Talent seeks revenge against a wannabe vampire who killed his sister--problem is, the fake immortal wants to drink his mutated blood to get high.


  1. Interesting, though I wasn't sure why Justin's blood is mutated; you might need an explanation of that. It makes it sound like Justin is some kind of other creature or half-blood. Oh, also, I see by your query that when this fake immortal drinks Justin's blood, he wants to do it in small doses rather than sucking him dry and thus killing him. You might want to incorporate that slight change in there. And why is the Eric dude just a "wannabe" vampire? What makes him NOT a vampire? And why a "fake immortal"?

    From your query, THIS is the conflict--and a very nice one, I might add: "He's got a great plan to kill Eric—overdose him with his own blood—but he’s got to figure out how to get close enough to do it without losing his own life in the process."

    That makes the stakes more clear; the novel's problem isn't how you worded it in your logline with the fake immortal wanting to drink his blood--the problem is how Justin can get revenge by overdosing this sister-killer with his anemic blood without losing his own life in the process. Getting revenge in a unique way w/o dying in the process!

  2. Um... I don't think I can add a thing to Carol's comments. She said evertyhing I had planned. >_<

    Your tone is engaging, isn't too wordy, or weighed down with facts. THIS makes it a good logline, but it doesn't really fit what your query said the conflict is. Switch it around and you might have a real winner here.

  3. Great story line. I think Carol might be right that it'd work better if you focus on the main conflict. What about:

    Seventeen-year-old Justin Talent's got a great plan to kill a vampire who murdered his sister if he can only figure out how not to get killed too.

  4. So Justin has mutated blood? Why? It's not completely clear that you're talking about Justin there (though I was pretty sure you were). I think you should be specific as to what 'mutated blood' means.

    I basically agree with Carol. She covered it well.

    You've listed this as a dystopian rather than urban fantasy. What makes it dystopian? I'd be interested in seeing some of that come out as well.

  5. It almost seems like you have two storylines going on--one about revenge and one about the mutated blood. I'd like to see your logline cover one of them or somehow tie to the two together. I think Carol's comments would take care of that. Otherwise, it sounds really intriguing.


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