Thursday, September 9, 2010

8 Pitch entry #24: Carol Riggs

Genre: YA light science fiction

Morgan Dey's job as a Shaper involves helping other teens lose weight by temporarily inhabiting their bodies, but when she is assigned to a client who is 100 pounds hefty, she must overcome a barrage of obstacles--some internal, some external, and some deadly sinister.


  1. Hi Carol, I think it needs a little tweaking. Taking a stab.

    Morgan Dey helps other teens lose weight by temporarily inhabiting their bodies, but when one of her missions become sinister she... BE SPECIFIC HERE. WHAT OBSTACLES? THIS LAST BIT IS TOO VAGUE.

  2. hello! I remember your pitch : ) Maybe you could tighten to show us more of the stakes at hand.

    Morgan risks her life and love as a Sharper, a person who temporarily inhabits a patient's body to help them lose weight.

    I took some of the high elements and concepts that really stood out from your pitch, the risked romance and this sci-fi idea of a Sharper that is very cool : )

  3. Cool idea. I would like to know more about the actual obstacle. What does she need to do? "Overcome a barrage of obstacles--some internal, some external, and some deadly sinister" doesn't tell us much. The deadly sinister part hints at something beyond the normal problems of losing weight and stirs my interest. Perhaps you could focus on the biggest problem and give us more of that. Hope this helps. I'd be interested in reading more.

  4. I remember your pitch and I think you could tighten this logline to make it a little more attention grabber. Right now it's pretty narrative.

    What about:

    When Morgan's job as a Shaper assigns her to a client who is 100 pounds hefty, losing the weight may not be the hardest thing she must overcome...and then add the obstacles part in a way.

  5. I agree this just needs some tightening.... my concern is in the longer pitch whoever it is she helps out didn't sound like a teen, I had thought it was an adult! The focus here needs to be on the central conflict, so I'd trim accordingly. The pieces have to fit together.

    Morgan's job inhabiting people's bodies to lose their extra weight [CONFLICT THAT PROCEEDS FROM HER JOB]. ... so maybe I'm not the most helpful but you get the idea! :D

  6. Agree with all above. The longer pitch also mentioned how much she hated the job, so wondering if there's a conflict there, too, to work into it.

    How about?

    Morgan hates her job as a Shaper inhabiting other teens' bodies to help them lose weight, but her new client, who is 100 lbs. overweight, poses a particular challenge as Morgan is forced to (do something? overcome? etc.).

  7. Very cool idea! I agree with all of the above suggestions as to giving us more details and specifics. Just wanted to comment since your premise grabbed my attention.

    Good luck!

  8. This reads to me almost as too factual and synoptic. The notion of a Shaper is cool. Does Morgan like her job? Have attitudes about it (positive or negative) that inform the obstacles she faces? I like to read these loglines without the pitches. This one tells me the idea behind the story, not the interest of the story. Also, picking nits, but the grammar "100 pounds hefty" to me sounds as if 100 pounds is heavy. You mean 100 pounds in excess, right? Excess of what?


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