Thursday, September 9, 2010

6 Pitch Entry: #20 Andrea Pelleschi

Title: The Case of the Carousel Ghost
Genre: MG mystery/paranormal

A 14-year-old amateur ghost detective takes on a case at the local amusement park that involves murder, women’s rights, and the art of carousel carving.


  1. I would like to see more added to this pitch to explain...What's in it for your MC and what obstacles will the MC face while attempting to solve this case? Otherwise the pitch is not complete, only telling the character and setting but not giving a complete plot with MC's motivation and conflict.

    Hope this helps! Good Luck!

  2. You've almost got it, just let us know the personal stakes of your MC. I would mention that she has to "become" the trapped lady in another time period or something to that effect. It's just not quite complete. Best wishes, Andrea!

  3. Right now the only sense of obstacles that your MC seems to have is to solve the murder. It doesn't make us hold out breath and wonder "Oh what an impossible choice! What is the MC going to do with this choice?"
    You need to add a choice here so that we want to read the book and find out.

  4. Love it! I agree with a previous comment of ID'ing specifically what's at stake for the MC.

  5. This is an excellent logline with fresh, intriguing details. I agree with the others that you need to add the stakes though. Also, prioritize your list to place weight where you really want it.


  6. I'm SOOO sorry this is late. I won't give you some lame reasons as to why, but I hope you'll forgive me. :(

    Okay, my first thoughts on this are it’s not attention grabbing enough. And (this is a personal pet peeve) I’m not sure I like that little bit about women’s rights. It feels like you’re pushing an agenda instead of writing to entertain. I’ve heard so many times that an agent will say no just for that reason.

    My suggestion would be to say this instead:

    When 14-year-old ghost detective, Kate O’Reilly, takes on a new case at an amusement park, she finds herself pulled back in time into the body of a woman whose husband murdered and stuffed her into one of the carousel horses.

    I tend to make my loglines a tidbit long, so you may have to fiddle with this some, if you have a wordcount requirement, but IMHO this will catch their interest and tells them what the plot of the book is without turning them off. :D If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me. :D Hope this helps.


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