Title: I'm Here to Save Your Day: The Adventures of Bo Wolf
Genre: MG Adventure/Fantasy
A brazen boy faces a playground bully to reclaim the school jungle gym, only to discover the bully's mom– the lunch lady— is covertly a witch, and a far worse enemy, when he struggles to stop her diabolical plan to poison the school with her irresistible ginger snaps.
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This is great and it summarizes your pitch perfectly. Great job! :D
ReplyDeleteI've heard several agents suggest that log lines should be kept at or below 32 words; you have to be able to say them in one breath. With that in mind, you might want to shorten a little.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestions (which you can take whatever you want from and discard the rest):
- remove "brazen"
- remove "covertly" (if he discovers it, it's obviously not public knowledge)
- remove "and a far worse enemy" (if she's trying to poison the school, it's obviously worse than ruling the jungle gym)
- I'm not sure the "when he" phrase is proper English. If we break it down, you're saying, "A boy does one thing only to discover the bully's mom is a witch, when he struggles to stop her diabolical plan..."
hope that helps!!
Awesome. Thanks Sarah. I knew it was too long after writing it, but wasn't confident where to trim it. You helped me out. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the trim suggestions. I think you can further condense the last part, "lunch lady--who plans to poison the school with her irresistible ginger snaps." We get that he;s going to try and stop her. Lots of flavor! Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the trimming suggestions and have one more -- remove the mention of her being a witch. You don't say anything else about it in your longer pitch so it's just crowding here.
ReplyDeleteA brazen boy faces a playground bully to reclaim the school jungle gym, only to discover the bully's mom– the lunch lady— plans to poison the school with her irresistible ginger snaps. ?
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ReplyDeleteGood Jess. I like it. I did have this as the original: A brazen boy faces a playground bully to reclaim the school jungle gym, only to discover the bully's mom– the lunch lady— is a far worse enemy.
ReplyDeleteBut I wasn't sold on the "worse enemy" part. I do like your, "plans to poison the school with her irresistible ginger snaps."
So, I'll rewrite it as: A brazen boy faces a playground bully to reclaim the school jungle gym, only to discover the bully's mom– the lunch lady— plans to poison the school with her irresistible ginger snaps.
Of course, I thought the first was perfect, so you can tell that I'm not that good at loglines. Anyway this is even better. Your premise sounds so fun that I would totally read this. So your hook worked on me the first time. Good luck! :D
ReplyDeleteSo, I'll rewrite it as: A brazen boy faces a playground bully to reclaim the school jungle gym, only to discover the bully's mom– the lunch lady— plans to poison the school with her irresistible ginger snaps.
ReplyDeleteI liked this one! It's perfect!
Loved the pitch.
ReplyDeleteLove the logline.
Love gingersnaps.
When can I read this?
The new logline is perfect. Simply perfect. And it sounds like something Nathan Bransford would love. :D
ReplyDeleteFirst I'm really sorry this is so late. No lame excuses, but I don't think you really needed me anyway. :D
ReplyDeleteI really like the second pitch you've got here in the comments. I like how M. Bites Editor reworked that. It's exactly how I would have done it. Good luck!
Thanks to everyone for the amazing help.
ReplyDelete