Thursday, September 9, 2010

6 Pitch Entry #18: June Goodwin

Title: Paying for the Sins of My Father
Genre: Young Adult

A father's crime places his daughter in conflict with avengers of the worst kind: immortal, determined and deadly.


  1. Having read your pitch paragraph, I think this is an accurate logline. However, your protagonist isn't doing anything here--you might want to give her some action. Right now, I focus on two things--the father's crime and the avengers. I'd like to know more about what the main character is doing :)

  2. I think you could strenghten this by adding more detail: the MC's age, what exactly is at stake, how she plans to thwart these avengers. It needs to be fleshed out a bit. Good luck!

  3. Ditto, and I agree. The logline is tidy and precise, but feels distant and far from the main character. The focus should be her dilemma and what she must do to solve it. Obviously, she has to avoid these deadly things, but it doesn't really say that, or how she must combat it.

    I'd also like to see Sky's name in there--and the romance bit if that is a big part of your novel. It seems that way from the query. Also, I think it's really important that Ryan, the guy she falls for, is part of the "evil, immortal network" that wants to use him to destroy Sky. That's a cool dilemma that you could include for more zest, here.

  4. This logline is doing what it's supposed to: offering a glimpse of what the book is about and promising action, but I agree that it's a little vague. Right now, we're offered action, but we don't really care because we have no idea who the action is happening to. Your query does a great job of inticing us with details and making us care for your protagonists. With a few more details from your query here in the logline, it would be a smash!

  5. The logline sounds good, but it's a little generic and passive. Be more specific and give us a reason to immediately care about your MC. You're almost there!


  6. I’m SOO sorry I’m so late on this. I won’t give you lame excuses, I just hope you’ll forgive me and that you’ll find my suggestions helpful.

    Okay, this doesn’t really tell me anything about your MC. It is interesting, but I think to really grab the agent’s/editor’s attention it needs a tiny bit more work.

    Try this:

    When fourteen year-old Sky moves to South Carolina, she learns not only has her father stolen thousands of dollars from the local people, but her new boyfriend is an immortal who has been sent to kill her by one of her father’s victims.

    This is a little long, (as always for me), but I think it gets the point across. Gives a little glimpse of the plot and makes us instantly compassionate for your MC. Hope this helps.


Tell us what you think. We'd love to hear from you! :)