Thursday, September 9, 2010

7 Pitch Entry #13: Vincent Kale

Title: Blackwatch: Order and Chaos
Genre: YA/Sci-Fi

The creatures of Chaos have been freed from their prison to wreak havoc on our world, if they can get past 15-year-old Lamarr Jeffers and his time-controlling watch; too bad he’s the one that let them escape in the first place.


  1. Cool story. I really enjoyed your pitch. Log line, not so much. Here's my stab at it.

    A fifteen-year old boy unwittingly plays with an odd looking watch that releases creatures of Chaos into the world; now only he can make things right.

  2. I think you might want to put your main character up front, 15-year-old Lamarr Jeffers accidently used his time-controlling watch to unleash the creatures of Chaos; now he has to find a way to imprison them before they wreak havoc on our world. Something like this, but in your voice.

  3. I'd agree with Melissa's suggestions. As written the comma in the first clause immediately made me feel bogged down, but if you rearrange, there's no need for it.

    Good job!

  4. Great idea. I agree with the others. Put the MC up front. Let him lead the action. I want to read more.

  5. D'oh! (Translation--I love the concept! :D)

  6. I actually really like it as is. Though putting your MC first is a good plan. ;) You can still keep the flavor of what you are trying to do though. Something like, Lamarr Jeffers didn't mean to release the creatures of Chaos to wreak havoc on our world, but now that he has, he's the only one that can put them back. IDK it's just off the top of my head, so I know it needs work, but you get the idea.

    Frankly though, I like your summary and pitch so much that I am dying to read the book!

  7. Thanks for all the comments! If only I had this army of critics throughout the whole writing process, I bet the book would be 10x better!

    If you're interested to see how "Blackwatch" turns out, please feel free to follow my updates at my blog! And, as always, if you have a blog I'll gladly follow back.

    Good luck everyone!


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