Tuesday, June 29, 2010

5 #99 girl jordyn

After high school, we were going to move to Austin. We were going to forego college and get a tiny, unglamorous apartment that would barely hold our bodies and our instruments. Bit by bit, we told ourselves, we'd break into the business. We wouldn't be stars - that was too ambitious - but we'd be something. We'd be musicians, real ones, with fans outside of our school district.


  1. I like the writing here. Nothing super exciting happens, but it doesn't always have to. I think the writing alone would keep me reading. Nice job.

  2. I agree. I like it. It has a nice flow. The only thing I can possibly think of to say is that you use "were going" in the first two sentences, but I truly believe that is what you are going for here. It is a style/voice decision and it is conscious. Of course I'd have to read the rest! But, the fact that I want to is certainly encouraging.

  3. You do a really good job of setting up your story in the first few lines. We know they're struggling musicians, we know their age range, and I felt there are so many different avenues where the story could lead. Did they not go to Austin? Did they not move in together? I want to know!

  4. It's fun to imagine a group of musician friends from high school heading off to college together to be bandmates/roomates. There's a million conflict possibilites in a story line like that!

    You could break up the "we were going" repitition by changing it to "The plan was to forego college..." in the second line. Just a thought.

    Very good!

  5. Very interesting! I'd definitely read more. In your last sentence I would get rid of the word "of". Also, you might want to consider ending this paragraph with a hook of some sort - something to propel the reader forward.


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