Tuesday, June 29, 2010

8 #37 Bonnie Staring

He just didn’t get it.

The cute new guy in the desk next to mine kept waving at me. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem, but during one of Mr. Bhatia’s math tests it was a total don’t.

I risked a glance to the front of the classroom. Our teacher focused on the back row—probably eyeballing one of the delinquents who forgot it was a test day and showed up.


  1. I like this. I think the voice is great and I'd read on to see if she (or the cute guy) gets in trouble. And hey, why is he waving at her? lol


  2. This made me smile.
    We all want to know who the cute new guy is and why he’s waving!

    I’m sorry. I got nothing for you on this one. I think it's great the way it is… I just want to know more about the new guy.



  3. Seriously. WHY IS HE WAVING?? I don't know, if I HAVE to find something to work on here, I would say it's that the first sentence is a little long (having to describe the fact that he is at the next desk) Maybe you don't have to mention where he is. We get they are in a classroom from the next sentence. Yeah, I like that! Look: The cute new guy keeps waving at me. Normally, that wouldn't be a problem...

    That flows well. I keep giving the advice to cut whatever isn't necessary and it will shine. I think it might be good advice. LOL.

  4. I like this too! Especially since a new cute guy probably wouldn't normally wave. It makes me wonder why he's doing that! Very fun.

  5. Thanks ladies!

    Since no one has mentioned the first line (He just didn't get it), I think it's safe for me to assume I can ditch it and focus on the cute waver. ;)

    This is a terrific opportunity, and it's amazing to see everyone else's stories develop further once the other lines appear.

  6. Yes, I agree that you could drop the "he just didn't get it". I think the cute new guy waving is an excellent hook! Sounds interesting.

  7. Hey there!

    You've got voice in spades! I liked it very much. Do drop the "he just didn't get it". Had I even noticed it upon first read, I would have stumbled a bit over it...

    Just a little note: Is cute guy 'right next' to her? To me..waving is a bigger movement. Is he slyly trying to get her attention during the test, or totally blowing it by waving like a maniac? :D Like...what KIND of wave is it? Just a thought...

    Overall, I'd keep reading. I mean, who passes over clueless cute guys? Not me. :)

  8. Great job here!

    I agree with the others about dropping the first line. And the last line threw me off a bit, too. Specifically, "probably eyeballing one of the delinquents who forgot it was a test day and showed up." I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this. Is the teacher eyeing some kids that just walked through the door? Or is he still mad that some kids weren't prepared?


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