tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post9210763769170112949..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages April Workshop - BillingsleMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-69745927950329495642012-04-11T01:24:33.825-04:002012-04-11T01:24:33.825-04:00This has a good beginning, but I'll say typos ...This has a good beginning, but I'll say typos and tense changes had me rereading and focusing on that more than the storyline. I had a few believablity issues which I think if you set us up better may not be the case. Is this where the story begins? And is this fantasy? I didn't get the fantasy part, which I think you have to introduce soon. There's potential here. Just need to slow down and really work on the storyline. ShelleyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-18989239996993932002012-04-10T23:49:20.626-04:002012-04-10T23:49:20.626-04:00Hello DiNae',
The most important thing for me...Hello DiNae',<br /><br />The most important thing for me, as a reader, is to have the first three or four paragraphs introduce a strong voice, the conflict, and an interesting premise. As the others indicated, you do have the conflict established right away and it is an interesting one. I do not hear the main character's voice though.<br /><br />Return to paragraph 3 and tell us a little more about the 'tug in my abdomen,' since I'm guessing it has to do with the 'shifting.' This could help us know the character more.<br /><br />Dialogue has to be at cross purposes. Reduce the 'conversation' with Star and give us the most important info to the story in an edgy way to ratchet up the tension. Show us more and 'tell'us less. Stay in your narrator's head.<br />Hone in on the others comments about point of view, tense, and grammar. <br />See you next week,<br />MonaAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07925934256050681032noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-82597574283868096952012-04-10T12:15:19.033-04:002012-04-10T12:15:19.033-04:00Hi DiNae'
There's a lot to like in this,...Hi DiNae' <br /><br />There's a lot to like in this, and a fascinating premise. I'll just echo what everyone else said here. I think the main thing you need to do here is trust that you have your reader hooked from the get go, so all you need to do is not lose us along the way. For that, we need the story slowed down a little bit and grounded. Make it breathe for us with a few choice details about the location, the mc, the other characters. The shifting is particularly critical. <br /><br />Pay particular attention to your mechanics for the next round. Things like "Whipped me out" "yarned" etc. take away your credibility, as does the improper use of dialogue attributions.<br /><br />"Hey boy, come here.” The tall slinky man said.<br /><br />Should be:<br /><br />"Hey boy, come here,” the tall, slinky man said.<br /><br /><br />Look at your comma, period and capitalization usage overall. Always use commas between multiple adjectives and look up the basic usage rules. Always capitalize a complete sentence after dialogue. <br /><br />These are absolutely basics. Respect your writing by looking them up before your next revision so that we can look beyond them to the truly marvelous potential in your story and characters.<br /><br />Looking forward to seeing what you do for next time.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-72804991423494649562012-04-09T21:51:25.513-04:002012-04-09T21:51:25.513-04:00You've got a very interesting story here. I am...You've got a very interesting story here. I am curious to learn more.<br /><br />Even if "shift" describes one particular move, I'd only use it once (maybe twice). It didn't seem to me that the MC could "shift" back to the car from the side of the house.<br /><br />Take a look at some of your tense and spelling - "shook his head and looked down", you're (not your) and tube (not tub) top. <br /><br />Also, there is a Norcross High School in GA, so I'd probably make up a high school name that isn't so readily recognizable (at least to Georgians) since you also mention UGA.<br /><br />I like that the MC cares about the school receptionist.Danahttp://momslifeponderings.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-8057309552027063572012-04-09T17:41:53.336-04:002012-04-09T17:41:53.336-04:00Your tense is shifting back and forth all over the...Your tense is shifting back and forth all over the place. Pick either present or past and go through and make sure it all matches. It's easy to get mixed up when writing in a new tense, so you have to be extra careful! I hate to say this, but I didn't know the MC was male until Star kept trying to get him into bed. Go through the prose and make sure you're being clear about the mechanics of everything. It's a complex scene to start out with, a very intriguing and attention getting choice! But to do that we have to be clear about what's happening. The shifting thing is confusing. I didn't realize at first that it was some paranormal ability, maybe detail for us the experience so we get it since it's obviously important. <br />I had a little difficulty believing that Star would give up info that freely and cleanly. Maybe something a bit choppier on her part? Also, I'd like to be grounded in a place. Is this Vegas? Then give us some world details.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-53602746915849177042012-04-09T11:53:05.589-04:002012-04-09T11:53:05.589-04:00I think you've got an incredibly interesting c...I think you've got an incredibly interesting concept here and I'm definitely keen to find out more about the drug-dealing principal, the narrator who can 'shift', and the collision course I imagine they're on. <br /><br />A few things which stand out - it's really, really dialogue heavy, especially around the middle. The long conversation between the narrator and Star could do with a bit of description to break it up, I think - and possibly a few more indications of who's speaking when.<br /><br />Can everyone 'shift' or is the narrator the only one who can? I'm assuming it's a unique talent of his but I think it might be helpful for us to know a little bit more about it.<br /><br />I'd also avoid using words twice in the same sentence where possible. "I inhaled and felt the tight bandage around my waste but I felt numb from my chest to my waste" might be better as "I inhaled and touched the tight bandage around my waist, but my body felt numb between my hips and my shoulders." <br /><br />Also, the first chapter could do with a little more to let the reader picture the characters. A brief description of the narrator and of Sal, who seems like he'll be an important character, would be useful. <br /><br />Hope the feedback is useful!Robert Jameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00052921423866643389noreply@blogger.com