tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post8783534282541773955..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages November Workshop - E. LawrenceMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-36543614848410059642011-11-29T08:42:18.495-05:002011-11-29T08:42:18.495-05:00Purple makes everything so much better. --> Pu...Purple makes everything so much better. --> Purple makes everything better.<br /><br />Agreeing on the Darius-squire bit. Why not try “Secondary” or “Aide” (Secondary sounds better in this context)<br /><br />After that are only more of the boring white apartment buildings, just like back home. <br />-->Beyond them, ...<br /><br />“What do I have to do?” I ask. –> I wait a moment, then I cock a quizzical glance at Darius. “What do I have to do?”<br /><br />I shift my weight from foot to foot. --> I catch myself shifting nervously from foot to foot. I force myself to stop.<br /><br /><br />It’s a routine job, really. -->It’s a routine job, really. My hands move automatically, guided by muscle memory. (Describe what your character might be thinking of right now…hands are focused, mind isn’t…this will add to story) <br /><br />“Out. Now,” I order. Darius grabs the kit and dashes behind me out of the building. --> <br />“Out! Now!” I snap, but Darius doesn’t wait for the order. He grabs the kit and dashes behind me, out of the building.<br /><br /><br />I, Astrid K-937, smartest girl in the entire world, don’t lose. This can’t be happening. --> This can’t be happening. I’m Astrid K-937! I’m _supposed_ to be the smartest girl in the world. I’m not supposed to lose. I can’t lose!K.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04173383193490894482noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-21350170471547129142011-11-28T16:29:58.626-05:002011-11-28T16:29:58.626-05:00Hmm. I'm now really interested in seeing what ...Hmm. I'm now really interested in seeing what happens with your final version. I haven't anything to add to the comments above but I do feel 'OMGoodness' and 'I, Astrid K-937' are lapses into valley-speak that are a bit out of tune with the rest of the way she speaks. Also, I'm not sure about 'squire'. I see your problem - perhaps (be interesting to see how you solve this when I reach your 'final' version') you could be more explicit about his role?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-55918322215227914012011-11-22T15:15:29.666-05:002011-11-22T15:15:29.666-05:00Arg.... I'm having difficulties with Darius b/...Arg.... I'm having difficulties with Darius b/c the MC really likes him (as a friend, like it said in my original version) but he's being really monotone here b/c he's acting as her test supervisor. Normally he's an awful lot nicer, but since this mission is a test he has to be really stiff and monotone. I'll try and work on this in my next revisions.<br /><br />BTW, I can't thank all of you enough for the wonderful comments. This has really helped me so much and I'm much more confident in my work now, and much better at accepting criticisms and making them work.Elanor Lawrencehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00936078326828012174noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-25365574149432173262011-11-22T14:07:17.676-05:002011-11-22T14:07:17.676-05:00I think the thing about Darius is that he seems so...I think the thing about Darius is that he seems so impassive (monotone). Maybe it's because he's tense, though.Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-65665156801549728622011-11-21T21:49:23.232-05:002011-11-21T21:49:23.232-05:00Hi Elanor,
I agree with what Beth said about this...Hi Elanor,<br /><br />I agree with what Beth said about this revision having more suspense, which was wonderful. The alarm and the fail were great additions.<br /><br />Actually, I like Darius, but this version seems to hint less at his personality than the prior one. I think you could freshen up the dialogue between him and Astrid to hint more at his personality and their relationship.<br /><br />This version read quicker because you got to the action quicker and then that action was suspenseful. It makes for a stronger opening.<br /><br />I agree with Cathy about the most intelligent girl quote. If you need that as part of the story, you might want to set it up better.<br /><br />Finally, your first sentence is a bit flat to me. I wonder if you can come up with something a bit stronger and more intriguing, but still something deep from Astrid's perspective?<br /><br />Great job on your revisions!<br />SusanS.P. Sipalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17943968424012034217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-69337607888648709262011-11-21T15:58:45.854-05:002011-11-21T15:58:45.854-05:00Hi Elanor,
This version sounds more suspenseful t...Hi Elanor,<br /><br />This version sounds more suspenseful than the previous two, so I think that's a good thing. (Isn't this fun!) Agree with Cathy that the action was a good addition. Nothing to get your blood flowing like a blaring alarm.<br /><br />Beyond that, I'm having a hard time connecting with your protag. I like bumbling underdogs better than cocky supergirls, so when she called herself the smartest girl in the world, it sounded kind of like arrogance gone to seed. At that point, I wouldn't have minded if she failed and they nailed her hide to the wall, just to teach her a lesson. : ) <br /><br />I liked that I knew for sure that this was a test, and that there was a lot riding on her performance. Wasn't sure about the part about saving America. That confused me. If she's an out-and-out agent, then why would she need the test? If she's an agent-in-training, I don't know if I'd trust her with the fate of America, unless she's just referring to what she'll be doing in the future. <br /><br />This is totally off, but I'd kind of like her to pull out a gadget (perhaps something that she's been concocting in her spare time at the dead of night which would show how brilliant she really is) that would give Darius (who I do not like) a jolt and give her an access into the building that no one had foreseen. Then I'd like to see her surprisingly humble in the face of his annoyance. (I live to annoy Darius.)<br /><br />One more thing. I was confused by calling Darius "squire." Didn't get this at all.Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-43799473785375611162011-11-21T12:39:22.882-05:002011-11-21T12:39:22.882-05:00I think you're zeroing in. I'm definitely...I think you're zeroing in. I'm definitely intrigued, and I love that she "fails" and is scrambling... it's a good action hook, I think. <br /><br />The only thing that really tripped me up was the "I close my eyes, willing myself not to cry. I, Astrid K-937, smartest girl in the entire world, don’t lose. This can’t be happening." Is she being facetious? Unless she's used to being the smartest or has been talked up as the smartest (in which case, maybe I'd like a touch of that shaded in... maybe that's why she's been so bored on the other cases? Am I just misreading your previous groundwork?) this just struck me as awkward. Can't imagine anyone referring to themselves like this outside of Big Bang Theory-styled uber-nerds, and I saw her as more "tough-secret-agent" type. <br /><br />Anyway, that's nitpicky. I think this is a solid sample here. Great job.Cathy Yardleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11968956085630495203noreply@blogger.com