tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post8271058081930349873..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st Five Pages Workshop - May Rev 2: Entry #3Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-78413761165404226572011-05-28T20:43:03.101-04:002011-05-28T20:43:03.101-04:00"Yes, in our home, they sometimes go hand in ..."Yes, in our home, they sometimes go hand in hand." <- Who's he talking to?<br /><br />Your writing is very choppy at the start, "Lunch at Melting Pot with Omar. Rather stay home than break bread (and dip it) with Mom’s florist/terrorist boyfriend. Jury’s still out whether Omar is actually a terrorist but it does make good blogging and tweeting." One or two of those would be okay, but to have such choppyness so close together feels like a rough draft.<br /><br />I don't get the feeling that he's sixteen. I would have guess thirteen if you hadn't said so. Perhaps add a bit more internal stuff towards the end when the MIB shows up that shows him thinking about the welfare of others?Editor Cassandrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575298681582664196noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-8075019709328818692011-05-27T09:21:17.851-04:002011-05-27T09:21:17.851-04:00Hey margie.....oooo this is getting SO good! I onl...Hey margie.....oooo this is getting SO good! I only have 2 nits, one...the photo album ...The runt who sired me has never been in the picture. Not one. Trust me, I’ve looked.<br />To me it reads it's just her and Simon, the father has never been in the picture, when I think you're aiming for the father has never been in any family pictures, or snapshots....it's clever, but too clever I'm afraid..lol...<br /><br />the other is I swallow all the sarcastic barbs begging to spill out of my mouth like projectile vomit......i would change spill to spurt, playing on the projectile part....<br /><br />and that's it..love love love it! =)<br /><br />carrieCarriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04479579957810307690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-27615090291442780432011-05-27T01:27:25.958-04:002011-05-27T01:27:25.958-04:00Wow, great revision! I love that you brought out ...Wow, great revision! I love that you brought out Frank and Lily knowing one another better. And now knowing that he's looked for photos of his Dad makes me wonder if that's coming up later. Even if not, it gives an insight into Simon as a person. :-)<br /><br />Any other little thing has already been addressed by everyone else, the "The doorbell rings ends our witty exchange." and whatnot.Sara-Marissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16155108851058013752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-72985779207702879022011-05-26T11:07:36.950-04:002011-05-26T11:07:36.950-04:00This line:
This Frank dude is kind of bossy.
made...This line:<br />This Frank dude is kind of bossy. <br />made me laugh out loud.<br /><br />I LOVE your revisions - the way Simon's much more integrated into the Federal Agent scene, especially. His voice comes through even more strongly now.<br /><br />For this part: "She passes my room. “Hey, Si,” she says, unaware that we have unwanted visitors who are probably armed"...<br />The way it reads now one could think she is passing his room, sees him, and says, "Hey Si-". Can she be passing a different room instead so it's clear that he's just listening to her progress and neither of them have seen each other? <br /><br />Also, I really like that Simon's comment about googling whether florist shops spontaneously combust (which is hilarious) now comes before he finds out Omar is dead. Now he can be funny AND compassionate.<br /><br />Awesome work!Ann Bradenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06948850218207863022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-30228788497134140862011-05-25T13:07:58.785-04:002011-05-25T13:07:58.785-04:00Hi Margie,
I'm with Lisa, I can find only a h...Hi Margie,<br /><br />I'm with Lisa, I can find only a handful of tiny tweaks--this is so strong!<br /><br />“Simon,” Mom calls down the hall to me. “If you make us any later…” I'd love to see you finish this statement. It would really let you cement the Mom's personality and the relationship between her and Simon, plus smooth the transition to Simon's thought. Yes, that impacts the next paragraph a little, but I think you could use "even more" and still squeeze in the lovely thought about vindictiveness.<br /><br />"That’s kind of the problem when you’re sixteen and look like you’re twelve." is in the wrong spot given that he doesn't have to show an image when he's blogging and tweeting. Maybe he uses the blogging and tweeting to actually get people to listen without judging him based on his looks?<br /><br />Make it clearer that "Lunch at Melting Pot with Omar. Rather stay home than break bread (and dip it) with Mom’s florist/terrorist boyfriend." is a tweet. Show him picking up his phone and tweeting it.<br /><br />I still think you need to tweek: "Mom,” I meet her gaze in the mirror, our brown eyes locking. “That’s assuming he reads more English than plutonium rich.”<br /><br />Maybe something like: That's assuming he can read English words other than plutonium and bomb.<br /><br />Add "lingering" or something similar to "mist cloud of hair spray"<br /><br />Lisa covered the doorbell, so I'll leave that, except to say that you have a LOT of different rings in the paragraphs around it.<br /><br />"I open the door and immediately wish I’d taken the couple of (extra) minutes to pull over a chair. Two (dark-suited) men in dark glasses and even darker expressions stare down at me. Standing like twin sentries(,) they block any view behind them.<br /><br />I don't buy the tweet in the pocket. No matter how good he is, that would take too long and doing it in the pocket is awkward. But you wouldn't lose anything by simply letting him have the thoughts you were going to tweet.<br /><br />That's it. Put a fork in it, and write the rest quickly so we can read about your book deal!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-7493639231543009922011-05-25T12:20:13.810-04:002011-05-25T12:20:13.810-04:00Even better! Wow. A few tiny things is all I got. ...Even better! Wow. A few tiny things is all I got. 1. "The doorbell rings ends our witty exchange." Needs rearranging. Either take the "s" off rings or change to "ending". 2. The tweet - I think I figured out what was wrong! You don't indicate when he actually types it that it's a tweet. Even just italics would probably work. Or stating that he pulled out his phone - some snarky comment about his thumb muscles IDK! and 3. This threw me at first: "The runt who sired me has never been in the picture. Not one. Trust me, I’ve looked." It's clever but I really didn't get the "not one" for a minute so that slowed me down/pulled me out. <br /><br />Okay - that's it!! I want more Simon!!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com