tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post7451400621097718089..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - September Entry #3Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-64725216294886881672011-09-07T09:52:57.852-04:002011-09-07T09:52:57.852-04:00Hard to tag in when the good ladies above have it ...Hard to tag in when the good ladies above have it nailed. The tensing is jarring. The backstory on the beasties could likely wait page or two. Good reference in the proper terminology ("release", etc.). If you’re going to focus immediately on the dogs, I’d like to see a few more aspects of their personality. I know that well-trained dogs will behave in a similar fashion, but their personality quirks always kick in too. We had a lab that would do the tip-of-the-tail-thump when told to sit and would sit perfectly but he’d hang his head low like a martyr while sitting. At the same time, we also had a borzoi that needed a quick whirl around prance with an excited snap of her teeth before sitting prettily. One of your dogs is obviously the “saint” of the pair, and the other obviously has more innate bounce and more of an ornery streak. Show us more of this.<br /><br />Also agree that we need more of a balance of info on the friend. Could show the MC looking at a picture of the two of them together somewhere… it will give you a little more of a lead in to the drastic change that’s coming.K.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04173383193490894482noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-4427892151182030592011-09-06T21:31:55.791-04:002011-09-06T21:31:55.791-04:00I like the "getting ready for vacation" ...I like the "getting ready for vacation" feelings that this scene brings up in my memory. I think that your readers will draw from that in their own experiences as well. <br /><br />Will the dogs going to play a large role in the story or will it focus more on the relationship between the girls... or a bit of both? I really enjoyed the dogs but felt that there was a little too much telling about the dogs' stories. If they aren't going to be part of the central story, I think the focus on them here could be reduced so that the reader has an idea of what to expect. I agree this could probably be worked in throughout the story, maybe in short snippets.<br /><br />Maybe the scene could focus on the girls and the dogs interacting in order to show what the "before" scenario looks like?<br /><br />I think this sounds like a concept that a lot of kids this age have to deal with as friends mature at varying levels.Jessi E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/15106758044105449908noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-24756924811404008042011-09-06T15:50:46.593-04:002011-09-06T15:50:46.593-04:00I loved the dog characterizations - they definitel...I loved the dog characterizations - they definitely ring true and were endearing. I also thought the ending was a great hook, and am intrigued to see what happens. A few thoughts - <br /><br />-I thought the "Will I ever grow?" seemed a little out of place, even though I imagine this concerns the mc...maybe there's a better way to include this issue?<br /><br />-I wanted a stronger clue as to what Sarah said on the phone. I felt I knew more about the dogs, their emotions and motivations more than the people.<br /><br />-I'd leave out some of the 'housekeeping' stuff (telling how people are getting from point a to b, etc) - I think you could omit the whole section at the end from "Shh" i grinned..." to "..copied his sit" without losing anything.Sara B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01975666427972056060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-38626487591465097102011-09-05T16:57:19.165-04:002011-09-05T16:57:19.165-04:00Great voice. I was hooked. Then it slipped into te...Great voice. I was hooked. Then it slipped into telling and back story and you lost me for a bit. Do we need to know Mom’s a vet tech yet? It’s breaking the fourth wall to tell the reader in that position. I wonder if you should start with her going to get the first puppy from Puppy Raisers and explaining a bit about her answer to her grief then. Then bring in Jake. Four months later and we’re all going to the beach. Make it all happening in the now instead of filling us in with a lot of back story in the first chapter.<br /><br />I love the premise that she’s still dog crazy and her best friend has become boy crazy. With that and the emotional impact of letting the one dog go at 18 months shows great promise for the conflict, escalating tensions in the rest of the story.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-85490114000324066582011-09-05T12:55:24.243-04:002011-09-05T12:55:24.243-04:00Martina keeps beating me to the punch today! LOL. ...Martina keeps beating me to the punch today! LOL. I like your character. She's certainly got her own voice. But I did notice the tense shifts, which distracted from the story. Example: "It's not my fault they're so loud. They're just normal, active dogs" is present not past as you've established. In any case, the other thing that I noticed was that the info about the dogs was a bit much. I like dogs, and if this is a book primarily about them, I guess it still works. But if this is about your MC and they are one (albeit large) facet of her life, I think you can tone it down a bit and add info throughout. I guess I wanted a balance between the trip, who she is, and the issue with her friend, as well as the dogs. Maybe it's also that a lot of this time is spent with her thinking about things. It's hard when you're trying to set up so much, I know, but a touch more action would be good. And I don't mean ninja's with swords or anything like that, just her doing and interacting. It might be interesting to see how she balances the interaction between the dogs vying for her attention and a parent or friend. Just a thought.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91129278932243612352011-09-05T11:02:36.874-04:002011-09-05T11:02:36.874-04:00Hi Sheri,
Lots to love about the setup here. I ad...Hi Sheri,<br /><br />Lots to love about the setup here. I adore the background of the puppy raising, and I'm intrigued by the promise of conflict between your mc and her best friend as they stand on the knife-edge of adolescence. As a reader, I know I am in for an interesting ride wondering whether your mc will change to keep up with her best friend, or whether the best friend will reluctantly drag her into situations she isn't ready for while they are stuck together. That's a great recipe for conflict, growth, and humor.<br /><br />I do have a few questions:<br /><br />1) Is all the dog info and backstory necessary this early on, or can you weave it in through action a little later? Can you avoid the brief flashback that disrupts the forward flow right at the beginning?<br /><br />2) Is there conflict that will arise out of Jake's disobedience or failure to be trainable? If so, could you have him actively impede his packing, or do something else that sets this up more strongly?<br /><br />3) Can you show her lack of interest in clothes and girlish things more actively?<br /><br />4) Does everything in this piece sound authentic to the age and POV of your mc?<br /><br />5) Is there a way that you can avoid the jarring tense shifts that you've introduced by showing her thoughts this way?<br /><br />This is a lovely premise, and I'm eager to see how you answer these questions in your revision.<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.com