tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post7309321687810088263..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st Five Pages Workshop - May Rev 2: Entry #5Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-25096280944975704372011-05-28T20:42:27.718-04:002011-05-28T20:42:27.718-04:00He comes off more sarcastic in this version rather...He comes off more sarcastic in this version rather than funny. I don't know, maybe it's just me. <br /><br />Either way I think it's spectacular. I can't find a single thing to comment on!Editor Cassandrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575298681582664196noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-51081364735742944302011-05-27T01:50:30.367-04:002011-05-27T01:50:30.367-04:00Ubber super cute! Love it.
What does the fanny ...Ubber super cute! Love it. <br />What does the fanny pack look like?<br /><br />I really don't know what else to say for edits.<br /><br />I will be the first in line to buy it when you get a deal on this. This has got to be one amazing fanny pack!Sara-Marissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16155108851058013752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91643618486277395512011-05-26T11:48:24.536-04:002011-05-26T11:48:24.536-04:00I love the revisions you made!
The only thing I f...I love the revisions you made!<br /><br />The only thing I found was that you could make it more clear whether he moves the knight or not when he says "tough call" because I thought he was interrupted in the middle of his decision. Since the last definitive bit about the game had been the "chuckle of doom," I got turned around when they return to the game and it's grandpa's turn, and he falls asleep to keep from losing.<br /><br />But, regardless, I smiled the whole way through this.<br /><br />E-mail us when you get your book deal!Ann Bradenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06948850218207863022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-81152991120227388972011-05-26T11:27:13.018-04:002011-05-26T11:27:13.018-04:00Hey Carrie, I had to work really hard to find some...Hey Carrie, I had to work really hard to find something to pick on ;)<br /><br />I agree with Martina about the description being a minor intrusion and slowing the flow.<br /><br />The other thing that I found is this dialogue exchange;<br /><br />"It's a fanny pack."<br /><br />"A fanny pack." YOU NEED A QUESTION MARK HERE. BUT ALSO I THINK DWAYNE SHOULD DO SOMETHING HERE. LIKE: I PINCHED THE STRAP AND DANGLED THE PACK IN FRONT OF ME. IT HAD THREE ZIPPERED COMPARTMENTS....I don't know, just something<br /><br />That's all I got. Great rewrite ;)Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-51751553650992103032011-05-25T14:53:49.801-04:002011-05-25T14:53:49.801-04:00Hi Carrie,
Great revision. I'm with Lisa, thi...Hi Carrie,<br /><br />Great revision. I'm with Lisa, this is pretty much perfect. The only section that slowed for me was:<br /><br />"Pay attention, boy." He always called me boy, even though I’d been twelve for two weeks already. Grandpa wiggled a finger in his ear, causing the furry gray tufts of what hair he had left to stick out like a horned owl’s. "I'm trying to tell you, it's time."<br /><br />"And I'm telling you it's only 3:30.I don't have to be home until four." <br />Sometimes having a grandpa in the nursing home meant repeating yourself. <br />Over and over and over. On the other hand, he was pretty cool for an old dude. Mom said we looked a lot alike with red hair, blue eyes and freckles. She said we acted a lot alike too, but I don’t think it was a compliment.<br /><br />My hand hovered over my knight. The perfect move? Or the Kiss of Death?<br />Tough call.<br /><br />Grandpa coughed – years of cigar smoking will do that – making him sound like our neighbor’s cat hacking up a hairball. He shuffled over to the closet and rummaged around. "It's time I passed along to you my greatest treasure."<br /><br />Treasure? My ears tuned in like a satellite dish. Since they stuck out from the side of my head like an orangutan’s, it wasn’t that big of a stretch. "Cool, Grandpa. Is it a watch? A medal from the war?" When I was a kid, we’d fight epic battles and he let me wear his medals. Now they were kept in a frame on the wall in his room at the home.<br /><br />There's still a bit too much description and backstory woven in here. You do it skillfully, but it slows the action. At the very least, I suggest you move the coughing thing down to where you have the voice stuff later on, and pare the cigar down to "a cigar cough" to speed things up. If it was me, I think I'd pull the mom description, too. The only other place it was slightly intrusive was the long line of geniuses, but I think that would be fine if you pulled the earlier description. Play with it and see what you can do. None of this is going to keep you from nabbing an agent and a quick sale if the rest of the ms is anything like this.<br /><br />Great work!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-40611678096417922182011-05-25T12:40:36.327-04:002011-05-25T12:40:36.327-04:00OMG! Love it!! It flowed well, the description of ...OMG! Love it!! It flowed well, the description of the game/their dynamic was perfect. The only thing I can even think to say is "Shady Acres" sounds cliche. But maybe that's preferred in this case. IDK. I pretty much got nothin' for you. It's great.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com