tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post7263253355668909858..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - June Entry #2, Rev 3Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-63982983527024025042011-06-26T23:25:11.663-04:002011-06-26T23:25:11.663-04:00If you want your MC to use big words, by all means...If you want your MC to use big words, by all means, let her. She could be a mature-for-her-age 17 year old. I like how you worked the goth girl into the latter paragraphs, so we'd know what was going on. My curiosity is piqued by the additional details near the end.<br /><br />So much has been taken away from the opening scene that it seems a bit fragmented. A little tightening and perhaps ramping up the tension would lead quite nicely into the journalism meeting scene.<br /><br />This is shaping up to be an intriguing story and I love the fleshed out characters. Best of luck with your novel.Sandra Cormierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00231342310371529022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-7835236886711154622011-06-26T22:54:15.671-04:002011-06-26T22:54:15.671-04:00Thanks again for the crits, everybody! It's be...Thanks again for the crits, everybody! It's been very cool hearing your thoughts over the past few weeks!Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13544703229078531691noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-64944131840946314952011-06-26T20:38:09.221-04:002011-06-26T20:38:09.221-04:00This is better. I do agree with much of what was s...This is better. I do agree with much of what was said above, particularly what Heather said, so won't add much. I am still bothered by why your MC would feel like she should do something when the body is being rolled out or why she should be crying when she has no idea who is under the sheet. I do think a high school journalism class is always a good place to have a story. So much going on and so many interesting people there.Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-45758966818116642842011-06-26T18:36:09.694-04:002011-06-26T18:36:09.694-04:00I think you've improved quite a bit over the c...I think you've improved quite a bit over the course of this workshop, so nice job! I'm trying to pinpoint what it is that's missing, because I feel like there's something that could be MORE. I agree with the above points that you have to have the action followed by the reaction, and that she should sound a bit more teen. I that it's empathy with your MC. I don't really get that until you get the part where she's been ostracized and her actions regarding the memorial. Here's my thought, make the internal comparison to the girl who died from the very beginning. I was most interested when you mention that they were the only two dining alone. Can she herself in the other girl's situation? You know - what would people do if it were me? Just a thought.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-53703574499072820922011-06-25T20:38:22.090-04:002011-06-25T20:38:22.090-04:00I like this a lot more now. The voice is fabulous...I like this a lot more now. The voice is fabulous and there are a lot of intriguing elements in here that will drag readers on. She sounds very adult in places, but maybe that's because she's been forced to be adult - I don't know. If that's the case, leave it. If not, consider some of the more adult sounding phrases into something more teen-speak.<br /><br />But I'd definitely read on.Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-43881866226964143052011-06-25T15:04:49.588-04:002011-06-25T15:04:49.588-04:00This is a first look for me. A few thoughts:
I th...This is a first look for me. A few thoughts:<br /><br />I thought the mc was a boy until the very end of the first chapter. Can you work her name in earlier? I also assumed the mc was on a bicycle, or maybe a skateboard.<br /><br />I felt that the mc was taking the body too personally without a good reason. At this point, she has no investment. Kind of like watching a stranger's house burn down. It might be shocking, but it would be remote. Is there a way to make this personal?<br /><br />I'm not sure I buy that she has all that empathy for the coach. If she spoke with him and observed his reactions, then I could see it. Perhaps work that in at a later point?<br /><br />Why would she feel like she has to do something? Paramedics and cops are already there. Which brings me to - what does the mc want? She should always desire something. I see potential in worrying about drawing the cop's attention. A little dialogue there could do the trick. Can you give a hint what kind of trouble she was in?<br /><br />You can do without things like "I thought" or "I registered" - that's assumed and it distances the reader.<br /><br />I like Mallory's voice, she sounds like somebody I could spend the length of a book with - but look out for words that she probably wouldn't use like "brevity."Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-60284914552355241732011-06-25T11:50:54.706-04:002011-06-25T11:50:54.706-04:00Hi Feliza,
This is stronger--and still very good-...Hi Feliza,<br /><br />This is stronger--and still very good--but I'm still not buying her emotions. You're still giving a lot of reaction before action. I thought originally you could get away with the first line, but now I'm rethinking that. It's setting us up for the problems in the rest of the piece. Since we haven't encountered the ambulance or the police car, we have no context for "This wasn't good." I suggest you start with the cars--that's such a strong paragraph anyway. Then when she realizes it isn't good, we'll be there with her. Carry this through, because you have a lot of that. Check every line to make sure that your action occurs first, and then you have your reaction motivation units in proper sequence when you do react.<br /><br />Similarly, "don't know how long I waited, holding my breath and hoping this was all just a false alarm" doesn't give us a complete thought. All *what* was a false alarm? The cars, I presume. Maybe if you get more specific. The combination of a police car and an ambulance couldn't be anything but trouble, unless maybe it was a false alarm, another of XXXs pranks. I hoped so, but wasn't optimistic. Only, of course, in her voice, etc. <br /><br />Speaking of voice, be careful with that too. She sounds very adult when she says things like "was pondering the very limited possibilities when I registered a dark uniform and the shiny wink of a badge--"<br /><br />All the way through, ask yourself what *she* would say, how *she* would phrase things, since you are doing first person POV, this is critical.<br /><br />Final things, watch out to make sure your figurative language is really on point. Morning sunshine doesn't really come off as a warning or ominous for most people. If it does for her, you need to supply a context or we won't get it.<br /><br />Hope this helps. This has a LOT of potential. I like your heroine and you've hinted at lots of great conflict.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.com