tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post6998492480463228794..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: First Five Pages Workshop - March, Revision on Entry #4Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-21255291172741367562011-03-13T00:29:48.685-05:002011-03-13T00:29:48.685-05:00The reason why I had the eye bit in the story is b...The reason why I had the eye bit in the story is because my high school chemistry teacher told us during a lab not to get a particular chemical into our eye because it would turn it into an eye. But it's no biggie, I can change that.<br /><br />I hadn't realized how many small errors I missed! Alessandro should have been changed to Roderick. And I did mean writer, not reader.<br /><br />I see Martina and Vicki mean about maybe combining the two class scenes. I'll have to think about how I can make that work because I don't see an English teacher hating a student for writing during class. I'll have to think on that.<br /><br />You all have given me such great feedback! I'll work on slowing down the pace while ramping up the tension. I'm definitely going to change Riona's reaction to the story (make it a lot stronger) and working on showing more. Thanks, everyone!Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-68324769342706315772011-03-12T17:36:08.795-05:002011-03-12T17:36:08.795-05:00This revision is so much better and I love that yo...This revision is so much better and I love that you started with her in school instead. So cool and intriguing that they both wrote the same story--word for word. I agree with the others about adding sensory details. I couldn't get the egg eye thing and maybe she could have almost burned her eye or something, but I'm not into science so that could be it. <br /><br />Really make Riona freak out about the story thing, maybe she can knock her backpack over or knock a book to the floor, and the entire class and Artex looks at her and she has to recover or something. She's just not freaked out enough in that scene. All and all - loved it! :DBrenda Drakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01263237745979525170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-21864962123455694802011-03-12T16:23:57.149-05:002011-03-12T16:23:57.149-05:00I like this so much better than the previous begin...I like this so much better than the previous beginning. I like the development of Artex and Riona's relationship and the question of whether he can read her mind, and why would he. And ending with her catching a glimpse of the demon from her dreams will keep a reader turning the pages.<br /><br />Lots of little line editing issues, however. The word beside begs for a pronoun to follow. Riona worries about Artex stealing her Alessandro story but we've only seen him with her Roderick story.<br /><br />Following up a bit on what Martina said, is the chemistry class scene necessary?<br /><br />I like where this is going. Great job!Vicki Tremperhttp://www.vbtremper.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-35712465622354931812011-03-12T15:27:28.591-05:002011-03-12T15:27:28.591-05:00A couple more things, because I don't want to ...A couple more things, because I don't want to mislead you as you are making decisions. The egg thing threw me. I couldn't get the visual and chemically it isn't possible. Also agree with Janet's comment about Cassie. More critically, at the beginning of a story, every single line, every word, has to advance character and plot. I'm not sure what you accomplished with two separate classroom scenarious. They read authentically, but is there a reason you can't make McMichael's the english teacher so you can combine the two? <br /><br />While I like this version much, much better, don't let that stall you in brainstorming. You've made huge strides and the deeper you can get us into the unique aspects of the story and your world the better off you will be.<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-27995138780410895612011-03-12T14:36:58.750-05:002011-03-12T14:36:58.750-05:00WOW! HUGE difference, Nicole. So much stronger, mo...WOW! HUGE difference, Nicole. So much stronger, more unique, and more fun. I thought it read very authentically right up until we got to the Artex exchange about her being a good reader (assume you meant writer, btw?). Then you lost me a bit. In any case, we don't need to know what the writing was about there, because you very cleverly *show* us the kind of thing she is writing a little bit later. Loved that. But I concur that she dismissed the coincidence too easily. You might consider having Artex say something ambiguous in the earlier exchange that mirrors what she was thinking, then when he reads her story, she is sure. And that makes it harder to dismiss the demons she's been seeing for a while and assumed were just overactive immagination. As Lisa says, it's a question of where you want to take the story and how you want to get there, but this is an enormous improvement over the previous draft. <br /><br />Great job! And thanks for sharing it with us!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-71968118242231197152011-03-12T13:44:22.475-05:002011-03-12T13:44:22.475-05:00I really liked your new beginning. It felt a lot m...I really liked your new beginning. It felt a lot more authentic. I LOVED that Artex started reading her story word for word. You had me there. <br /><br />But I was disappointed that she would shrug it off so easily. Any writer knows that it's no coincidence when two pieces are identical. Not in a million years.<br /><br />I thought Cassie came across as a bit of a fake for calling the quiz rough when she'd known the answers for how many years? Just something to think about. <br /><br />Otherwise, I agreed with Lisa and Beth about slowing down a little and show us who this girl really is (vs. telling).<br /><br />I'm definitely wanting to read more, though. Loving the premise!Janet Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12688012956157161889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-32287015435036795182011-03-12T13:18:00.881-05:002011-03-12T13:18:00.881-05:00The idea behind your story is intriguing and (at l...The idea behind your story is intriguing and (at least to me) unique. As a writer, I also love stories about other writers, so that's a draw right there. Also, I really want to know who is tuning into whose thoughts. Riona is convinced Artex is tapping in to hers, and that she's got the unique story, but it could be that she's tapping in to him and not realizing it. Anyway, overall I like the story and think it would appeal to teens.<br /><br />Here are some things that I think would bring out the strengths in your story:<br /><br />• I stumbled a little over all the unusual names. I like Riona, but I'm not sure about Tyebeta. I had to stop reading and spend time trying to figure out how I would interpret that in my brain every time I came across it. If a name wakes the reader up from the reading experience, I'd consider changing it.<br /><br />• Telling rather than showing. It's the bane of the writer, and there are places where telling is appropriate, but some of Riana's thoughts slow down the story too much and pull me out of it as a reader. I don't think they're necessary, either, and detract from the mystery that you're building with the story as a whole. Don't tell the reader so much. Let her come to her own conclusions.<br /><br />• If feel awkwardness in your language choices sometimes. I'm guessing this isn't your final draft anyway, but take some time to read your sentences out loud and see if you stumble over them. I think they could become more smooth with work.Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-78568519263367650622011-03-12T12:45:36.735-05:002011-03-12T12:45:36.735-05:00I love that you really took our critiques to heart...I love that you really took our critiques to heart. To me it shows you are willing to do what it takes. I have three main pieces of critique for you. I'm going to be somewhat vague on purpose because I'd like to see what you make of them. <br /><br />1. Show don't tell. I know, I know, we've all heard it before and we all get called on it. But some of these scenes would have such a huge impact if you slowed them down and let us experience them with Riona. Ask yourself throughout if we (the readers) can tell something is true without you stating it.<br /><br />2. Sensory details. I know Martina already mentioned this, but it is important. Smell. Hearing. Taste. Touch. They can really bring certain moments and characters to life. Experiment.<br /><br />3. Emotion/reaction. Some weird stuff is happening here. Is Riona reacting appropriately? What would she really think and feel when these bizarre things happen? <br /><br />I think you have an intriguing story here. I really want to know why Artex had the same story! Did it really happen and she knew at some level? Did he read her mind? Just take your time and try to experience it along with your character because that's what I want to do vicariously. :DLisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com