tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post6994483285086742864..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - September Entry #4 Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-3213380066346143342011-09-26T23:50:05.626-04:002011-09-26T23:50:05.626-04:00Mary D
zenrei57 (at) hot mail dot com
Okay, havin...Mary D<br />zenrei57 (at) hot mail dot com<br /><br />Okay, having gone back and re-read all, I think THIS is my favorite version. The author has quickly pulled me in, nothing's too detailed or overwritten, yet we are teased with delightful tidbits of weirdness that beg for expansion down the road.<br /><br />While others may disagree; personally I DON'T want everything immediately spelled out for me too early on in a story. It's more fun for the reader to comfortably insert themself as the story unfolds.<br /><br />Truly. I LOVE THIS ONE!M.A.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/14924439808069320143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-16698069721217504572011-09-16T11:42:29.574-04:002011-09-16T11:42:29.574-04:00Sarah, I thought this was a fabulous revision!
T...Sarah, I thought this was a fabulous revision! <br /><br />The beginning was much more clear and engaging. Still funny and great voice! I also love the mom's entry dialogue - I think it's okay that we don't know exactly what she's talking about. <br /><br />There were a couple of things I found confusing though:<br /><br />-When Marcus says "don't call me that" does he mean his name or "deranged"?<br /><br />-MC's internal dialogue after saying "the curse doesn't exist." Not sure what she meant by all of that. <br /><br />-I was also unclear whether the spilling the salt was a sign of curse or the way to break the curse. If it's the latter, it doesn't seem that the mom would be so hysterical. <br /><br />Overall, this is a very enjoyable read and I'm drawn in!Sara B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01975666427972056060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-288648501366151582011-09-14T14:02:36.531-04:002011-09-14T14:02:36.531-04:00I think I'm going to have to kill my darlings ...I think I'm going to have to kill my darlings and start in chapter 3. *sigh*Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-12434825051483931782011-09-13T20:28:00.229-04:002011-09-13T20:28:00.229-04:00I'm seeing things a more clearly now in the in...I'm seeing things a more clearly now in the interactions with Marcus, although I'm not sure why she will rue the day she turns 13 - because it's an unlucky number? I am still a little unclear on what precisely the mom is talking about, but it's all coming together. I really enjoy the character's voice.Jessi E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/15106758044105449908noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-81673405911425949332011-09-12T16:28:05.962-04:002011-09-12T16:28:05.962-04:00Sarah - this is awesome! So much clearer this time...Sarah - this is awesome! So much clearer this time around. Good job taking your time with it. You still have that amazing voice and situation going. Still just a couple of spots you could smooth over, but soo much better. And I'm definitely feeling more for your MC. Especially that last nugget with the birth certificate. :D I guess my only question is regarding this supposed cure. I get that you can't reveal the info yet, that's cool. BUT as KS pointed out above, the wording was awkward (though I think it reads exactly as intended). I'm guessing the cure has to do with some kind of action that's supposed to result in bad luck? If I'm wrong, you need to clarify. If I'm right you still need to clarify! He he. I need to understand the info you are giving me clearly, so I need to see whether the curse IS the bad luck, or the bad luck is the cure for the curse. Does that make sense? <br />Also, the beginning makes it sound as if the problem with her brother is purely physical, when obviously it is not (whether caused by a curse or not). Just wanted to point that out. AND would it make more sense if it were a crutch not a cane? Just a thought, but IDK.<br />In any case, I'm loving it.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-50801691107993525752011-09-12T15:05:55.606-04:002011-09-12T15:05:55.606-04:00I need to know more about the curse. I read this o...I need to know more about the curse. I read this over a few times to make sure I understood the plot and the characters. Any way of adding information on the curse? I loved the cuckoo clock and the comparison to her crazy family. Cute!<br />It seems very mean at this point in the story to want to break her mother's back. Why did the bowl pieces screech across the floor? And I wanted to know more about the hint, 'of her beloved brother.' I didn't see any change. <br />You have a fun story idea going. I think with just a little more clarity it will come together.sheri levyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08044105588939751015noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-40400193803441527422011-09-12T13:31:55.686-04:002011-09-12T13:31:55.686-04:00I have to say I was a little lost and had to read ...I have to say I was a little lost and had to read this more than once. It seems like when the people in this family turn 13, they are cursed - unless they find a cure?<br />If that is the main point, it is very interesting concept, it just wasn't clear.<br /><br />Also, the paragraph where the mom comes in seems a little strange. The mom seems very bizarre. If that is the case, maybe a little more background would help. <br /> She flipped the lid on the trash. “Milk? Spilt milk!” She whipped around. “Did you cry? Cry!” She caught her breath. “Wait. Is it don’t cry?” Mom’s head jerked from Marcus, to the trash, and then to me. “Which is it? Cry? Don’t cry? Tell me!”<br /><br />I did like the part about her looking at her birth certificate with a magnifying glass so see if she was adopted. Seems like there could be a clue with that.Halli Gomezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09667712458691917486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-41612532447970672422011-09-12T11:39:59.688-04:002011-09-12T11:39:59.688-04:00There was no cure, especially not one steeped in b...There was no cure, especially not one steeped in bad luck. --> I'm questioning the phrasing of this. <br /><br />Your descriptions and focus/clarity have improved, but after that great run, that last paragraph seems like a wall. I would consider rephrasing it somehow.K.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04173383193490894482noreply@blogger.com