tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post629247534792770647..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - September Entry #5 Rev 3Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-14524645826461588952011-09-29T10:56:51.391-04:002011-09-29T10:56:51.391-04:00I thought your revision was wonderful. I enjoyed r...I thought your revision was wonderful. I enjoyed reading from beginning to the end and could follow what was happening. I do agree with everyone about the beginning and about doing more showing and not contradicting yourself my re-explaining. With this much progress, you have a very creative story developing. Great job!!sheri levyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08044105588939751015noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-5293111420243304092011-09-28T15:52:42.185-04:002011-09-28T15:52:42.185-04:00Hi Kim,
I agree with what everyone said. For the ...Hi Kim,<br /><br />I agree with what everyone said. For the most part, I enjoyed the parenthesis, but I would be very judicious about using them. THE PRINCESS BRIDE is a great example of every instance of a parenthetical expression adding on so taht the cummulative effect is greater than the sum of its parts. I agree with the overall narrative balance. I think you've hit your stride, but I do think that you should pay attention to what you could conceivably show rather than tell going forward. Be especially mindful of instances where you show AND tell. The description of Funny-Foot being afraid to fall on his face is a classic example. You are almost--but not quite--doing both in that instance. You could easily shift to show us how he winces as the rocker brings his face nearly to the ground, then covers his bum as he rocks back the other direction. Your narrative is delightful, but the character is more delightful still, and I'd rather see that image more clearly than hear the voice in that instance. I definitely agree on the first paragraph. I get that we need the information, but I would still prefer to SEE Funny Foot roll up to the wall and see the fear and trepidation that has built up over three years. I'm NOT advocating that you lose the narrative elements, only that you start with your strengths. I ADORE Funny-Foot. Adore him. So, my feeling is start there. Good luck with this!<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-50243827892022296902011-09-27T12:00:38.194-04:002011-09-27T12:00:38.194-04:00I really enjoyed this! I think, personally, that y...I really enjoyed this! I think, personally, that you can lose the parentheses. You might want to try it and see how it reads without. I'm not sure about the first paragraph though. It feels so ominous and serious. I'm not sure if that's the right tone for the rest of the book. Just thought I'd put that out there.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-57766391804693152842011-09-27T01:25:47.061-04:002011-09-27T01:25:47.061-04:00Awesome job!
This flowed nicely and had such text...Awesome job!<br /><br />This flowed nicely and had such texture to it. I think you've found the right balance between the narrator and Funny-Foot.<br /><br />A few typos - missing punctuation, forth for fourth, etc - nothing major.<br /><br />I thought his part of the one sentence was a bit awkward.<br /><i>...hurt more than all the imaginary bumps he’d ever almost had</i><br /><br />Other than that, this was great!Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-90190844473108614642011-09-26T23:25:36.873-04:002011-09-26T23:25:36.873-04:00Mary D
zenrei57 (at) hotmail dot com
Terrific &am...Mary D<br />zenrei57 (at) hotmail dot com<br /><br />Terrific & creative; imaginative children should truly enjoy this - though I'd break up some of the lengthier paragraphs. <br /><br />Loved the Paper Wall!M.A.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/14924439808069320143noreply@blogger.com