tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post6104429341413201058..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages June Workshop - Freeland 2nd RevisionMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-84324753620696529382012-06-26T07:32:18.488-04:002012-06-26T07:32:18.488-04:00Hi Lori, I'm sorry I didn't see your reply...Hi Lori, I'm sorry I didn't see your reply to my comment until now. As a reader, if I see something defined as sci-fi, I do expect the world to be different or unusual (science or technology-wise) from the get-go, though I don't think it has to be heavy handed. I don't think it needs to be laid out 100% in the beginning, just a little tidbit dropped in to hint at what is to come. I see that you changed the genre from Sci-fi to Paranormal in your third revision, and that might be a better fit if you don't have a lot of science in your book (like Claire mentions above). p.s. not to drive you nuts, I love the cliffhanger in this version more than the third revision... and like I mentioned before, the story hooks me despite whatever genre it lands in. Keep up the great work!Rose Margaret Denizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16854703458788448819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-67881711884951667082012-06-25T02:02:58.076-04:002012-06-25T02:02:58.076-04:00Revising now :)Revising now :)Lori Ann Freelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07475399413507876752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-92224222639271545042012-06-24T08:50:28.398-04:002012-06-24T08:50:28.398-04:00I really like that you get her into the parking lo...I really like that you get her into the parking lot a bit sooner, and cut some of the unnecessary details. I love that she's not so perfect either, and has a secret of her own. The one thing I wonder tho, is if her internal and dialogue ranting is maybe too harsh in light of the lie she told or the secret she kept. I mean without knowing what it is, it's tough to say, but I thought I would put it out there for your consideration. <br /><br />I love your psycho-killer/murder victim thoughts, I do! But that said, I feel like maybe you sound this horn a bit too much. I feel like maybe there's a bit too much here about her anger masking her fear of having to come out in the dark. I wonder if maybe a little less inside the car would be better, and then have little catalysts do the work. I didn't quite get why a car peeling out would freak her out. Maybe instead just as she gets out and listens to how sinister and quiet it is, a car's headlights come on. It stays there for a second, then leaves. Then there's this element of 'was that guy just sitting in the car WATCHING me?' Now that's creepy. <br /><br />Anyway, the idea sort of came to me so do what you will with it--it might not fit with your intentions for the scene. You make good use of sentence structure to keep the pace strong. :)Angela Ackermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01808259088625142389noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-84125873320840120152012-06-21T15:26:56.925-04:002012-06-21T15:26:56.925-04:00Thanks Elana! Appreciate it :)Thanks Elana! Appreciate it :)Lori Ann Freelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07475399413507876752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-36898451901304786162012-06-21T11:09:38.625-04:002012-06-21T11:09:38.625-04:00This is brilliant: "The twilight sky began a ...This is brilliant: "The twilight sky began a slow slide into night"<br /><br />I really like the "Sleek and Sporty" bit, but I don't think she needs to worry about him seeing the smudge. Number one, it's dark. Number two, it's on the passenger side, and who walks around checking their car before getting in and driving away? Now, if she'd smashed the front end or something, I'd understand. So maybe instead of her worrying about him writing down her license plate--she has no idea how long he's been there, and any number of cars could've parked next to him--I think she should think something more along the lines of "maybe he'll leave before I get back," Or that SHE'LL leave before he returns, so some other things about avoiding a personal interaction so she won't have to lie and keep her eyes away from the damning mark. Does that make sense? <br /><br />I love that Kate has a secret too! And sidenote: I do think it would be nice to know they're twins. Twins have like, a sixth sense about things, and they really DO share everything. So that would be a nice nugget to throw in somewhere, just once. <br /><br />Love this: "my voice hit the bottom end of yelling"<br /><br />Croco Killer! LOL! This is awesome.<br /><br />Oooh, nice ending. But I want it to be more powerful even. Like this: "It was my sister. <br /><br />My twin.<br /><br />"Claire." (I want Kate to say "Claire" at the end.)<br /><br />That way, you'd get the twin thing in in a very dramatic way, and I like that without being over-dramatic. (Of course, I don't always get what I want, and this is your book, so do what you think best.)<br /><br />As for the sci fi elements up front, I've heard arguments on both sides. Some really want it, some don't care--especially since your jacket copy will likely indicate some sort of sci fi -- and don't forget the cover will too. Me, personally, I don't really care if everything isn't laid out 1000% in the first chapter or first page. I think if Kate gradually learns about herself and her powers, then that's how the reader should experience it too. I may be in the minority on that, but there you go.<br /><br />Also, if it's a powers thing, it might be paranormal. That's typically how "powers" are categorized. Most people think of sci fi as space ships or space travel or advanced technological gadgets. I know my books have both paranormal and sci fi elements, but they are different. The fact that one of my characters can sense people's emotions is paranormal. The fact that there are spiders that do maid service, identify people, and shock people into submission is science fiction. Does that make sense?<br /><br />Also, genre-blending is pretty fun these days, and there seem to be more and more books with such a thing, so I don't think it's bad, and you can play to both sides.Elana Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05877856005992028912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-83990651540952266002012-06-20T14:14:49.136-04:002012-06-20T14:14:49.136-04:00Does this solve the sister/twin issue?
My headlig...Does this solve the sister/twin issue?<br /><br />My headlights splashed across the back of her baby blue Beetle. While my twin drove a cuter, newer, sportier car, I’d opted for an older, cheaper Corolla when our parents dangled money to pay half the purchase price. Claire still owed them money and I was free and clear.Lori Ann Freelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07475399413507876752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-73796691836235229742012-06-20T12:22:53.473-04:002012-06-20T12:22:53.473-04:00Thank you! I will add in twin sister :)Thank you! I will add in twin sister :)Lori Ann Freelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07475399413507876752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-11934464220971316702012-06-20T10:29:29.206-04:002012-06-20T10:29:29.206-04:00First of all, love these lines:
There were other...First of all, love these lines: <br /><br />There were other more pressing things to deal with. Real things. Claire things. Crazy things. Things my head couldn’t process that should immobilize my heart more than the thought of some psycho hiding in the trees with a machete.<br /><br />Love a lot of the lines, but this paragraph really picked up the pace and showed Kate's descent into panic about her sister.<br /><br />Also, since I've read previous versions, you may call Claire her TWIN sister, that way this little, super important fact is put up there right away. Maybe when you say "my sister, Claire," you can just add twin in there. :)<br /><br />I think this is really super. It's fast paced and intriguing.<br /><br />As for science fiction, I don't believe it has to be set in the future. It just needs to have a lot of science to be considered science fiction. This may actually end up being more paranormal than science fiction, but I don't know the whole "what makes a story a paranormal" thing. I thought it was just ghosts and vampires and werewolves, but I think any kind of strange element makes it a paranormal... try to find other stories that are similar to yours and see what they are categorized as.<br /><br />That's the one thing I hate about being a writer is having to categorize my work!<br /><br />Love the rewrite and the cliff hanger at the end of the chapter is superb. Great work!Claire L. Fishbackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01769874003046497946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-39093682425421925932012-06-19T23:25:24.152-04:002012-06-19T23:25:24.152-04:00Great idea!Great idea!Lori Ann Freelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07475399413507876752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-21685271104532219072012-06-19T23:13:40.982-04:002012-06-19T23:13:40.982-04:00You did indeed introduce the mc's name. Not su...You did indeed introduce the mc's name. Not sure why I skimmed over it.<br /><br />Maybe: "No matter what lame excuse my sister Claire threw out,"Heather Hawkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16098673743504191567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-78340286475979584622012-06-19T19:14:35.711-04:002012-06-19T19:14:35.711-04:00So science fiction doesn't always have to be f...So science fiction doesn't always have to be future, right? Maybe I'm confused. My MC will discover she has some abilities, but not right away. The romance main character makes his appearance in chapter two. <br /><br />Honestly, I'm so confused about if and why I have to throw the sci/fi stuff in right away since discovering it is part of Kate's journey. If anyone can clear that up,it would be fabulous.Lori Ann Freelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07475399413507876752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-31288662489106007602012-06-19T19:11:19.308-04:002012-06-19T19:11:19.308-04:00Got it. I use this line early on to tell her name:...Got it. I use this line early on to tell her name:<br /><br />Get a grip, Kate. It’s a piece of paper.<br /><br />And then I talk about Claire and use the word sister but not in the same sentence. Would it help if I did?Lori Ann Freelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07475399413507876752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-43020250278245380112012-06-19T07:26:30.300-04:002012-06-19T07:26:30.300-04:00I like it, Lori! It's my first read, though, s...I like it, Lori! It's my first read, though, so I'm not sure what you mean about the chapter change. It grabbed me - yes to the good pacing and tension mentioned above. The sibling loyalty and resentment felt very real, and the fear, too. Only thing I got confused about was it being sci-fi/romance. Had to double check that at the top. Nothing in this opening leads me to believe there is any sci-fi or romance. All the objects (car, text, flashlight) seem very present day. Otherwise, I want to read more!Rose Margaret Denizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16854703458788448819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-54194479379230294462012-06-18T22:16:57.301-04:002012-06-18T22:16:57.301-04:00This is my first look. I think I understand where ...This is my first look. I think I understand where the following issues come from, given the comment before this one.<br /><br />I wasn't sure Claire was the sister until almost the end of this passage.<br /><br />I don't know the mc's name and am not 100% certain of gender. Only indication was the hair.<br /><br />I think the start would be stronger if you mingled the interiority of the first paragraph and the action of the second. I'd like to be grounded very fast with scene setting so I'm not floating.<br /><br />This stuff will be easy to fix - otherwise, nice pacing and tension.Heather Hawkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16098673743504191567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-48315462365519002742012-06-18T19:30:53.962-04:002012-06-18T19:30:53.962-04:00Okay, so this new section has now become chapter o...Okay, so this new section has now become chapter one and the part where Kate actually finds her sister is now chapter two. Interesting how things evolve :)Lori Ann Freelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07475399413507876752noreply@blogger.com