tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post5627213595467368446..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - September Entry #5Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-60814944931474240272011-09-10T12:50:55.871-04:002011-09-10T12:50:55.871-04:00Hi Kimberly,
Sorry this is so late. I've been ...Hi Kimberly,<br />Sorry this is so late. I've been out of town and you're probably already working on your revision, but i felt I needed to send my comments. <br />You have a beautiful poetic feel to your writing. I love the rhythm and whimsy. I still was confused after reading a couple of times even though I loved the words. What was humping around? I didn't start getting into the story until the detective caught him and you put in the description of where he came from.I enjoyed your details, but with so much information, you gave away some of the tension that could have happened. Great ideas and very original.sheri levyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08044105588939751015noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-433873164974634312011-09-06T22:43:23.400-04:002011-09-06T22:43:23.400-04:00I love the word-play in this! Right away it puts t...I love the word-play in this! Right away it puts the reader in a state of whimsy. Anything fantastical could happen. <br /><br />What distracted me a bit were new words, places, terms given right up front. Perhaps they could be introduced a bit more gradually so that the reader can savor and absorb them at the same time. <br /><br />The concept has me wondering what different directions it could take.Jessi E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/15106758044105449908noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-49756131058255819102011-09-06T16:33:59.399-04:002011-09-06T16:33:59.399-04:00This was very interesting - reminded me of Alice i...This was very interesting - reminded me of Alice in Wonderland and I think it would be a blast to read aloud with a child. <br /><br />You had some great imagery - I loved the first line, the image of the big Detective with his magnifying glass, the Jug that's a jug. Great!<br /><br />Some thoughts:<br /><br />With the Detective, I would tone down the "Hurrumph"s, etc. I think just one or two would be as effective, Likewise, you don't need to include the line "who preferred to talk in muttered coughs and half-sneezes" since you've already done a great job showing that. <br /><br />For some of the the Funny-Foot descriptions, try to do more "show, not tell." For instance rather than tell us it's difficult for him to climb the jug, make us laugh or wince (or something) as you show us what it's like for him.Sara B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01975666427972056060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-26378892921109595782011-09-05T17:06:50.909-04:002011-09-05T17:06:50.909-04:00Your voice is fun and unusual. I love it. The stor...Your voice is fun and unusual. I love it. The story, for me, started somewhere around the third paragraph. Then it started to flow. Most of the stuff you tell in the first couple of paragraphs is shown in the rest of the chapter. Awesome job.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-59419740904940524192011-09-05T13:20:57.185-04:002011-09-05T13:20:57.185-04:00Whoa. I can honestly say that's the most origi...Whoa. I can honestly say that's the most original piece of writing I've read in a very long time. I think what you're doing here is the kind of thing that will need to find just the "right" person that gets it. It's not the typical industry standard, not to say that's a bad or even good thing. It just is. <br /><br />I'm not even sure I'm the right person to give you feedback. But I will approach it as though I were reading it with my kids. I want more description I believe. At least of our MC, because this world is so very different. It's certainly fun, but I also wonder if the audience is younger than most MG are nowadays...<br /><br />I feel like the story itself is hiding a bit behind all the fantastic elements and commentaries. What IS the story exactly? Is it that FF has to accomplish something important but the detective has gotten in his way? Can you state the goal? Can we feel a bit more of FF's trepidation at the hands of the detective? Does he have experience with such detectives? Is what he's done actually against one of the rules? Or is it just the detective's craziness? Some questions are good to keep us reading, but too many make it difficult to get into. <br /><br />I'll look forward to your revision.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-58004770799005448422011-09-05T11:41:12.661-04:002011-09-05T11:41:12.661-04:00Hi Kimberly,
This is an enjoyable storytelling vo...Hi Kimberly,<br /><br />This is an enjoyable storytelling voice, reminiscent in some ways of classic literature like Winnie the Pooh and Kipling. Lots of great, original elements. The Jug, the detective, the papanouche, the three-legged donkeys--all so cool! I especially love the Funny Foot and the way his face hurts more from thinking about falling on it than it does from actual falls. <br /><br />However, I do have a few questions.<br /><br />1) Could you handle the Funny Foot description and introduction a little more quickly and efficiently? Kids no longer have, unfortunately, the attention span that they did for the classics, so I worry that what is fascinating to me might not hold their attention quite as much.<br /><br />2) The introduction of Laws comes a little suddenly, so is there a more obvious (and jeopardy-filled-nail-bitingly-spine-tingling) way to introduce this? Could you have the Funny Foot pause to rest beside a sign on the border of Bink perhaps, one which talks about the laws in a your great, dry humor and lets us know that pretty much anything in Bink could be against the law?<br /><br />3) Can you give us a reason why the Funny Foot has to cross into Bink? This might be especially effective once we know the laws are so restrictive.<br /><br />4) Can you describe the Detective and the Bink person for us? Give us more details, and give us a better sense of what Bink is like as well? I love that first sentence, but leaving the immediacy of that description to go into "always" mode weakens the image for the reader and by the time we get back to the story in real time, the description has faded.<br /><br />5) Again, I love the story-telling voice, but are there places where you could show the action more effectively? For example, "This was very difficult for poor Funny-Foot to do, because of his queer feet, but he managed it somehow by hanging onto the railing and pulling himself up by hand. (Still, every time he pulled forward, he very nearly fell all the way back down the steps.)" Could you build the drama more into the action rather than front-loading it with the statement?<br /><br />6) Similarly, do statements like "He might have broken his legs, only there was always a big pile of straw on the floor of the Jugs." weaken the suspense for the reader? How would losing a little of the storytelling in favor of creating a closer bond between the reader and Funny Foot pay off? Letting us discover that there is straw at the bottom only after Funny Foot feels like he's been falling a long time and is positive his feet will be broken and never be right again, just like his great uncle XXXX who had to spend the rest of his life rocking in a chair (or whatever much more brilliant bit of characterization than mine you can throw in here).<br /><br />You've got an amazing imagination, and this is such a cool world. I'm fascinated to see what you will do in the rev.<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.com