tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post5137466896723511795..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - September Entry #1 Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-2786231325578066512011-09-21T09:10:54.023-04:002011-09-21T09:10:54.023-04:00And now I stood alone, dripping wet, clutching the...And now I stood alone, dripping wet, clutching the box for #52 Black as Night and hoping the frightening reflection in the mirror was an illusion <br />--> Now, I was alone and dripping wet, clutching the box for #52 Black as Night, and hoping like hell that the mirror's frightening reflection was only an illusion. No such luck.<br /><br />In contrast to the sparse writing on the outside of the note, sketches covered the inside. --> pick another word for "covered"....Or rephrase the whole sentence somehow. It feels like it breaks the flow a bit.<br /><br /><br />The steam from the shower swirled near the ceiling and slid down the walls. It was suffocating, as if the very vines had burst forth from the page and were closing around my neck. -- Good description, but try something like this: I opened the note again, and this time, in the bright light of the bathroom, I noticed a date hidden among the sketched foliage. I stared at it. My eyes narrowed and I stared at it again. As the steam from the shower swirled near the ceiling and slid down the walls, I suddenly felt I was suffocating. Like the vines had burst out of the page and were closing around my neck.K.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04173383193490894482noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-14163874461963018022011-09-20T15:25:07.323-04:002011-09-20T15:25:07.323-04:00Hi Sara, I did like last week's version best. ...Hi Sara, I did like last week's version best. I am happy to see her read the letter and to feel her feeling of wanting to devour the contents of that box. That was good! I liked your ending with her feeling swhile reading the note. Try writing the last line without THEN, I've enjoyed reading this chapter. Sherisheri levyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08044105588939751015noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-81313224613185285572011-09-19T11:37:13.548-04:002011-09-19T11:37:13.548-04:00I too think that first sentence can be changed or ...I too think that first sentence can be changed or eliminated. I know you want to catch attention with it, but those kind of foreshadowing sentences don't typically work in your favor. <br />I like the reading of the note before she goes to work, I agree with Martina that she should find it in a more plausible way. That's kind of where I was also going with the accidentally knocking it over thing, BUT I like the idea of going into the box of scarves or whatever that she hasn't gone through thoroughly before. <br />I get Mrs. Liu's line about the family being a bottleneck and although I really like her humor, I kind of hope she ends up with a bit more dimension and less of a stereotype. That could turn people off. <br />The Betty Page thing. Maybe she can make a snarky retort to Cliff like, "What are you? Eighty?" Or something better that you think of if you want to keep the reference. <br />Still great work!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-8542673698458744582011-09-19T11:08:58.678-04:002011-09-19T11:08:58.678-04:00Clarification -- on seeing the other two comments ...Clarification -- on seeing the other two comments just now, I admit that I'm not crazy about the second part of the first sentence. I love the voice in the first clause. "The plus side in looking like a total freak" sets her tone and the paragraph beautifully. Could you think of a different end to that sentence without foreshadowing the note? <br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-85529408178821001462011-09-19T11:05:36.404-04:002011-09-19T11:05:36.404-04:00Hi Sara,
I LOVE the new opening -- must stronger ...Hi Sara,<br /><br />I LOVE the new opening -- must stronger -- and I still love the energy and humor of this piece. I do continue to have some questions/concerns though that you might consider.<br /><br />1) I really like that she finds the note sooner and then comes back to it. That's a positive change. But finding the box of her mother's things now, in such proximity with a box she must have put up there herself, doesn't quite ring true. If she had put the box up there, wouldn't she have noticed it then. And if she had, then wouldn't she have looked in it then. Furthermore, why look in the box now when she is in such a hurry? I wonder if this is all easily resolved by making her not a scarf or a hat person, and having never had anything that would cover her head, but remembering photos of her mother wearing lots of scarves. If there's a box of her mother's clothes up in the attic that neither she nor her father had ever had the heart to throw away, might she think to look in there and find the note folded somewhere where it could have been overlooked earlier? The specific solution doesn't matter, ultimately, so you can use whatever works for you. I do think that you need to be certain that finding the note feels organic and not like an obvious device.<br /><br />2) I like the relationship with Cliff, but why would he comment that she looks "odd" later, rather than the first time he sees her?<br /><br />3) If there is just one family of four waiting after Cliff, why would Mrs. Liu call that a bottleneck. Can you beef this up a little?<br /><br />4) Overall, the energy is great and you have a gift for conveying a lot of information in a few words without making it feel weighted down. I wonder though if you could vary the pacing a little bit--it starts to feel a bit too breathless overall by the end. Consider where her thoughts would slow and where they would speed up, where she would feel rushed, and where she wouldn't.<br /><br />Also, since the next revision this weekend will be the one posted, go through and consider where you can eliminate some adverbs and generic adjectives. You've got a lot of them packed in here, which is part of what lets you convey the mood and setting so fast. I'm not advocating getting rid of all of them, but varying the density with unadorned sentences or sparser, specific details might add more texture and dimension.<br /><br />Great job! Looking forward to the next round.<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-4703001618738216182011-09-19T11:05:23.767-04:002011-09-19T11:05:23.767-04:00I agree that it read better before. But I just wen...I agree that it read better before. But I just went back and tried it again without the first sentence and it flowed nicely. I don't think you need to tell us that she's learning the truth about her mother. This whole book is about showing that, isn't it?<br /><br />The mystery of her mother is outlined nicely with the note and talking about how she would've been dead already.<br /><br />The beginning minus the first sentence sets a nice teenage tone and voice, too. You've captured that well.<br /><br />Second paragraph might be better with a few less "I" statements.<br /><br />How big/heavy is the box? Wouldn't she carry it to her room for closer inspection later? Why leave it in the attic? Does anything else from the box come into play later?<br /><br />I still don't know Bettie Page. Is that someone today's teens would know? Are you dating your book with that reference?<br /><br />I think I need a little more on why her hair is so hideous. I got a more hideous vision of it from the very first entry, but now it's more like black all over except for some missed spots in the back. Her skin has some mottling, but that should be covered by the scarf. I know black hair dye looks phoney because black hair tends to have other colors mixed in, but I'm not getting a good feel for hideous here. I think one sentence in the first paragraph would help a lot.<br /><br />When she talks of the 28 washes, you might want to have a reaction like "Thank God I chose a temporary color." Not sure if you need it, but I think it's a helpful detail rom a logic standpoint.<br /><br />Good job overall!Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-62737655306839642822011-09-19T10:26:27.291-04:002011-09-19T10:26:27.291-04:00I liked it better the first time. There seemed to ...I liked it better the first time. There seemed to be less rush between scenes (very first one, attic, Cliff, Mrs. Liu.)<br /><br />I do like that she read the note when she first found it. Maybe she could have it in her pocket and put her hand on it when Mrs. Liu was insulting her. A little comfort item. <br /><br />And I liked the way she took the note out again and took in every part of it.Halli Gomezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09667712458691917486noreply@blogger.com