tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4953469589140480806..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages August Workshop - Zero Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91744022858735271692012-08-24T02:00:55.027-04:002012-08-24T02:00:55.027-04:00I agree with everyone else: this version is the st...I agree with everyone else: this version is the strongest. At this point, tighten, vary your sentence structure (you've got a bunch of paragraphs that all start with "I" for example) and smooth out the dialogue, and punch up the beginning. Apart from that, I'd love to see a little more focus. If the exchange student and his "otherness" is where the plot is centered, hit that a bit harder in this beginning. Emphasize any strangeness and mystery in the way that he was chosen and arrived, etc. If the focus is his effect on Scout and Bryan's relationship, clarify that relationship a little bit more. I love the sense I get that Bryan is gay and that Scout hit on him and he has now placed her at arm's length. I'd keep reading just for that. (Of course, if I'm wrong and Bryan isn't gay, then I'd suggest you give us a better grounding from the get-go about what caused the rift between them.) If Bryan is gay though, how does Scout really feel about the exchange student--a guy--coming to stay. Has she reconciled herself to Bryan's sexual preferences? What dimension does this add to Bryan's anticipation and is his mom completely clueless? There's so much to explore here, and you've done a great job settin gup the options. I'd just like a little more clarification so I know what to think and how to direct my attention.<br /><br />Great job!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-48246092642024927902012-08-22T21:00:52.105-04:002012-08-22T21:00:52.105-04:00I meant "arms folded". That was a revisi...I meant "arms folded". That was a revision mistake on my part. I'll also consider the other phrases.chihuahuazerohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15677672177353350936noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-53555291659700433112012-08-22T20:59:35.647-04:002012-08-22T20:59:35.647-04:00I agree. The opening paragraph could have more pun...I agree. The opening paragraph could have more punch, but I don't know how to approach that.<br /><br />What do you think should be trimmed?chihuahuazerohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15677672177353350936noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-53451230811716325762012-08-22T20:57:30.471-04:002012-08-22T20:57:30.471-04:00Fitz's Root Beer is an attempt at local color....Fitz's Root Beer is an attempt at local color. I'll consider it.<br /><br />I'll also consider reading out loud dialog. <br /><br />In any case, thanks for helping us in this workship!chihuahuazerohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15677672177353350936noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-50561741677720670332012-08-21T12:52:52.954-04:002012-08-21T12:52:52.954-04:00While I didn’t like how you wrote the paranormal b...While I didn’t like how you wrote the paranormal bit in the earlier version, I would quite like to see something to give me a clue where this is going.<br />Minor things:<br />I don’t know what this phrase means - planted my feet into the brick, feet folded. (but I am English)<br />This phrase doesn’t feel right to me - Nah. I was looking too into it. (too into it? - again I am English)<br />I would remove the due to money constraints – as you imply them by the old clock radio and the garage sale buy<br /><br />Dialogue I would just make it a command – Put your suitcase in there ...<br />Timhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01878752949268111927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-40987519463387827562012-08-21T09:58:20.741-04:002012-08-21T09:58:20.741-04:00I like this revision a lot better. The dialogue st...I like this revision a lot better. The dialogue still kind of threw me, but Leah already addressed that. One other thing I might suggest would be to find a stronger opening paragraph if possible...something to really grab the reader.<br /><br />One other thing. This might just be me, but the first 5 felt a little long and drawn out. It might help the pacing to try to trim it down some maybe.The Author of Desideriumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18345879806087106132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-49557667037005983042012-08-20T23:41:57.946-04:002012-08-20T23:41:57.946-04:00This is really good! I found the initial confusion...This is really good! I found the initial confusion mostly gone (though "Fitz's Root Beer" threw me off - I don't drink root beer, so didn't realize it was a brand until I googled it, and until then thought it was another name I was going to have to keep track of).<br /><br />If there's one thing to work on here, I think it's the dialog - it's much better, but still seems slightly stilted at times (i.e. "Mom and I"). One technique that sometimes works for me is to read dialog out loud, with a partner if I can find one, and change anything that feels unnatural to say out loud.<br /><br />Good luck!Leah Cypesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11123736070369470635noreply@blogger.com