tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4643883353112492191..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - June Entry #3, Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-84279510557039658672011-06-16T15:32:15.393-04:002011-06-16T15:32:15.393-04:00Tardy to the party, but I've read both version...Tardy to the party, but I've read both versions. I loved the first version, but the second is much better! This is just very strong overall. I'm drawn right in. The only thing that stopped me was the MC not being able to remember what she had for breakfast. It just seemed unnecessary and unreal. Very powerful stuff. Great job.Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-21812956276439712462011-06-15T08:05:45.297-04:002011-06-15T08:05:45.297-04:00I agree, the prose is lovely. I can tell it'll...I agree, the prose is lovely. I can tell it'll be difficult to find somewhere to shorten the narrative but I really think it needs to move just a tad quicker. And may I say I'm glad it's you and not I who needs to figure out how to do it? :)Suzanne Luceronoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-9474927337379529372011-06-14T21:49:32.851-04:002011-06-14T21:49:32.851-04:00This was beautifully written. The prose is gorgeou...This was beautifully written. The prose is gorgeous, no doubt about it. I love how visceral everything is.<br /><br />However, I feel like the pacing could be a little snappier. We get a lot of beautiful description of the MC's pain and her sensory perceptions, but I'd like the rescuers to show up a little earlier. That's when I really started to connect to the character. I cared about Lucy's predicament immediately, but I didn't start feeling concerned about Lucy herself until facts about her began to trickle in.<br /><br />But for lovely prose, this is absolutely tops. You've captured disorientation in a really poignant way.Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13544703229078531691noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-25782437849854174762011-06-12T17:54:11.113-04:002011-06-12T17:54:11.113-04:00Yay!! Great revision! It's really getting ther...Yay!! Great revision! It's really getting there. I think the next step is to pare down the opening. I know it's hard to kill your darlings. I KNOW. And you are a good writer, so it's not like there's anything wrong with what you've written, it's just too much because you haven't really moved the story forward for a bit. And that's important. Every bit has to have a purpose. SO, let's start with this. "A huge weight pins my legs to the ground. I can’t move them, can’t even feel them." If you can't feel your legs, how do you know there's something weighing them down? Think it through logically. She asks a lot of questions. I'm not sure trying to remember what she ate for breakfast is exactly logical there either. We get it's an accident pretty quickly, yet it takes her several paragraphs. Every time I think okay she's got it what's next? She says it again. Take those first maybe ten paragraphs or so and see what you can cut and still have it make sense. Get us there faster. Get her there faster. Not rushed, just not extra-info. Ask yourself whether the words add to plot? Character? Etc. Again, to me, it's when she calls for her parents that I start actually connecting with her. Also, be careful. You have several of the first paragraphs starting with an "I". "I strain" "I turn" "I teeter" and you want to vary that. <br /><br />Great job with incorporating the flashback! Great work. I can't wait to read next week. :DLisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-68242934900968706232011-06-12T14:14:28.981-04:002011-06-12T14:14:28.981-04:00Hi Kate,
YAY! I know you have reservations about ...Hi Kate,<br /><br />YAY! I know you have reservations about this, but it really is much stronger this way overall. Taking out the flashback leaves the tension intact.<br /><br />My only problem at this point is that I don't quite believe it. Don't get me wrong, I think you're almost there, but I feel like you're focusing a little much on externals rather than internals. For me, it's more about balance than anything else for the next step. <br /><br />I suggest you go through and really put yourself deeper into her shoes, immerse yourself in her life. What does she think and feel as she encounters each step, as she hears things? What memories and thoughts can the physical sensations and smells trigger? How do they connect to past experiences?<br /><br />I also worry a little that you're going too long with some of this looking for that knock-your-socks-off opening. Hitting with this much power leaves you with nowhere to go through rising action, an unfullfillable promise, and you've given us no exposition phase at all. I would definitely keep reading, but I am a little worried about a flaw in the overall structure leading to a let down at the end. I really hope that the payoff here isn't going to be that you spend the book remembering bits and pieces until she realizes the accident was her fault, that she is responsible for killing her entire family. I'm probably off base, and having a synopsis would surely take care of my doubt. I'm going to trust that your plotting skill equals your writing skill and that you've considered your pledge with the reader to keep giving them more building to the payoff at the end. <br /><br />Even with an opening this strong, especially without giving us time yet to come to care about the character, you have to be especially careful to keep us reading as the power level drops. Hopefully you've got this covered--again, you write with authority, so likely you do--but it is something to consider. If you can't plot a strong line of rising action going from here to the climax, you may need to find a way to bring this down a few notches.<br /><br />Hope this helps. I look forward to seeing where you go from here.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.com