tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4504763182078246894..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: July 1st 5 Pages July Workshop - Koon - Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-9357229791652247922012-10-23T01:58:58.273-04:002012-10-23T01:58:58.273-04:00Great job. You tell us the setting sooner, we have...Great job. You tell us the setting sooner, we have a clearer sense of Tabitha, you have just the right amount of description. Very good rewrite. I did find it unbelievable the internal scolding paragraph as it took me away from how old this character is supposed to be as it sounded too old a voice for MG. cheap prom dresseshttp://www.promstreet.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-81211852148768751862012-07-27T22:32:57.448-04:002012-07-27T22:32:57.448-04:00You know Rosi - 4am the other morning I woke up wi...You know Rosi - 4am the other morning I woke up with a smoother way to phrase the poppy line and by the time I was able to grab my phone to type it in I had forgotten it :(. I will work on that :)Shelley Koonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14593426180496597520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-51170203287373522302012-07-27T22:31:31.084-04:002012-07-27T22:31:31.084-04:00Awesome ty!Awesome ty!Shelley Koonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14593426180496597520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91318684264534264302012-07-27T22:30:38.855-04:002012-07-27T22:30:38.855-04:00I'm terrible with commas - my critique group t...I'm terrible with commas - my critique group took all my commas away because I abuse them so (O.K. - just kidding. sort of...)Shelley Koonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14593426180496597520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-36951778963554059952012-07-27T22:29:23.492-04:002012-07-27T22:29:23.492-04:00I'm still not sold on the "whoa" eit...I'm still not sold on the "whoa" either but not sure what ultimately is going to work there. Sometimes I just stick stuff in as placeholders - if I don't I'll stare at e word for three hours... It is the first time she is wearing the suit but she really isn't a whoa kind of girl!<br /><br />They do have rats in the mountains but not really where she is housed so I need to ponder that a bit. The data transfer thing is tolerable but as she moves quicker and the data stream faster it does become painful and is key towards the end of the chapter.<br /><br />Good things to ponder - ty!Shelley Koonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14593426180496597520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-89326792774937241402012-07-27T22:25:22.012-04:002012-07-27T22:25:22.012-04:00Thanks all ;)Thanks all ;)Shelley Koonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14593426180496597520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91158862354036942642012-07-27T09:01:30.160-04:002012-07-27T09:01:30.160-04:00This is tighter than before. The more I read this ...This is tighter than before. The more I read this entry, the more I realize that you're succeeding in making me curious to learn more about Imp. <br /><br />Small things: I wondered when Imp says "Whoa" at the beginning if she's not familiar with wearing a suit or whether she simply is always amazed when she sees how they work. You might want to clarify.<br /><br />Also, I stumbled a lot in this paragraph:<br /><br />"The suit shifted colors rapidly to match the passing scenery. Imp’s heart beat sped up rapidly as if to keep time as the data flow throbbed through her body. The exhilaration of the tingling gave way to the unnerving sensation of a thousand tiny rats gnawing on the tender threads of nerves. Imp pushed harder, hoping to outrun the pain until the world began to dim at the edges of her vision."<br /><br />For starters, "throbbed through her body" sounded too sexual especially when it's followed by "the exhilaration of the tingling..." I also found the metaphor that it felt like a thousand tiny rats gnawing to be an odd one. For starters, how would Imp know what gnawing rats are like and if everything is dead right now, are there even rats around for her to know about? Additionally, the beginning of this paragraph makes it sound like she likes the feel of the data transfer but by the end it sounds like a horrible sensation given the rat metaphor. These can all be easily fixed however.SCRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10693280919426091466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-42845866504482056002012-07-25T15:12:43.816-04:002012-07-25T15:12:43.816-04:00I connected way more with Imp here! I love her rea...I connected way more with Imp here! I love her reactions to the suit :) I saw a couple of places where you might add a comma, but that's just a small, technical thing. Overall, I'm intrigued by the world you've set up and I love the interaction between her and Janip. This sounds like a really cool story! Great job throughout this process!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14121018905141253640noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-39811524510612434232012-07-25T08:37:50.272-04:002012-07-25T08:37:50.272-04:00Hi Shelley,
Terrific revisions. You have a great g...Hi Shelley,<br />Terrific revisions. You have a great grasp of dialogue between Imp and Janip. It's playful and semi-flirty. Your tension during this scene is strong- particularly when Imp believes she's not alone. I would only make the suggestion to read this out loud because there were a few points where the descriptions felt "clunky" or heavy toward the beginning of the piece. I think reading it out loud will help you tighten that up. As Becca said above, one area had "rapidly" used twice, which is easily fixable. These are tiny fixes and truly, the bigger movements are set. Fantastic job!Marissa Graffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03120823155731859924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-44854522968528573142012-07-24T23:18:25.023-04:002012-07-24T23:18:25.023-04:00I agree with Becca. The emotion is much more appar...I agree with Becca. The emotion is much more apparent and draws the reader in better. I loved the humor and the back-and-forth between Imp and Janip. It also helped me as a reader to connect to the characters. There was a phrass that stopped me. "Black and charcoal poppies of color bloomed across the suit." Poppies of color that are black and charcoal didn't make sense to me. And when you say the suit shifts colors, you might want to change colors to shades or tones or something other than colors to keep the reader in the black-charcoal-gray state of mind. Really nice rewrite.Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-10928921271770561402012-07-24T21:57:30.657-04:002012-07-24T21:57:30.657-04:00Hi, Shelley. For this revision, I say: Success! No...Hi, Shelley. For this revision, I say: Success! Now that I'm seeing some emotion from Imp, I'm more connected with her. Also, I like the clarifications you've made to the technical aspect of the stealth suits and what Imp is doing. I don't recall the changes being major, but it's all much clearer to me, so great job there.<br /><br />Now that the characterization and basic plot line are smooth, I'll say that there are a number of places where the writing doesn't read smoothly--commas missing, repeated words, wordy sentences. Things like that. Most of this should be taken care of if you read it aloud or have someone else read it to you. We read slower when we read aloud, and our brain doesn't skim and trick us into seeing what we think are there, like it does when we read silently. Try that technique to tighten up the writing and I think you're in excellent shape. Best of luck!Becca Puglisihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08945707666707799601noreply@blogger.com