tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4212123417578640321..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages June Workshop - Poston 3rd RevisionMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-17932276314469479912012-06-27T17:51:43.905-04:002012-06-27T17:51:43.905-04:00Okay, so I think from when the stranger slides int...Okay, so I think from when the stranger slides into the booth..it's awesome. Love how he holds up his finger in a light warning, and you covey the drooling porter and her fear so much better! It totally works. :)<br /><br />But the first half...I feel like we're skipping around a bit too much. I wonder if it's a mistake to start with the stranger staring at her, because it means that the reader's paying attention to that, looking for clues, etc, and not paying as much attention as they should to Mal and her inner thoughts. There's a lot of info being conveyed here. I won't repeat earlier suggestions to cut out backstory, but I do think that starting with her being on the train because her mom left her might be stronger. While she's talking to the waiter/porter about being a vagabond, her thoughts can fill in the blanks as to her mom up and leaving. It will create a nice contrast--Ethan thinking she's worldly when really she's feeling like cast off luggage. Then, have her notice the stranger--perhaps when he goes to get the honeybun? and move forward from there. <br /><br />One final thing--she seems to not be as upset about her mom leaving her as she did in previous chapters. Here she almost seems too blase about it. The creepy stranger who keeps looking at her gets more emotion than she shows over her mom leaving her. If your intent was to show that Mal's had this happen before and is used to it, then you've achieved it (and that's totally fine!) I just thought I'd mention it because other versions seemed to show her more upset. <br /><br />Hope this helps a bit!<br /><br />AngelaAngela Ackermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01808259088625142389noreply@blogger.com