tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4183564782469060811..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st Five Pages Workshop - May Rev 3: Entry #2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-80833927874935754772011-06-03T22:41:53.159-04:002011-06-03T22:41:53.159-04:00Good job! Everyone has caught most of my nits. I s...Good job! Everyone has caught most of my nits. I still think you could drop most of these adverbs and do one last check to make sure you've rooted out the commonplace figures of speech in favor fo ones that advance Death's character. But overall, a very strong revision. Great job!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-18437742878584715302011-06-01T11:40:49.536-04:002011-06-01T11:40:49.536-04:00Beautiful as usual, but I do have a few notes. The...Beautiful as usual, but I do have a few notes. The typo was already pointed out. The squat man sentence. I would look for and remove extraneous words like "but" in this sentence: " But Aamira quickly gains ground."<br />That will tighten the prose and make it even more powerful. <br /><br />I agree that the car accident was better before the details were filled in, specifically the "clipped" line. That makes it feel so much less dramatic to me. <br /><br />The line where he is in complete silence throws me, wasn't he already? If you are referring to the clock say that. The ticking stops. <br /><br />The Uriah thing - if we're leaving it in, make the memory more shocking. Not "It's similar to" More like "Uriah's face flashes before me. So similar..." Or something along those lines. <br /><br />So powerful. Great job.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-69984760567790602812011-06-01T06:41:50.821-04:002011-06-01T06:41:50.821-04:00Hi Sara,
I would combine the second of third sent...Hi Sara,<br /><br />I would combine the second of third sentences at the beginning, so it flows a little more. Maybe just: I stroll along the sidewalk that leads into the park and take the antique pocket watch from my vest pocket.<br /><br />This sentence is great:<br />The ticking clock echoes in the otherwise deafening silence that surrounds me.<br /><br />I love the new detail about the boy looking back at Aamira when she falls, and then shrieking with joy when she gets back up.<br /><br />For the part about the accident, I prefer the way you did it before with a vagueness around the details. It gives it a more ethereal quality I think. Maybe: A silver car tries to veer, but not soon enough. The ticking is at its loudest and its fastest, it has reached its pinnacle.<br /><br />Also, unlike Margie, I like having Aamira look at him because she comes across as strong immediately. <br /><br />I would rewrite the sentence soon after that though, because each time I read it I thought he heard Aamira gasp and then he heard someone else. Maybe: Hearing someone from the other side never happens, not even when I watched Uriah’s death.<br /><br />This scene is so powerful. It moves me every time I read it. I look forward to when I can buy the book and finally read past page five!Ann Bradenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06948850218207863022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-26254428280142571562011-06-01T01:24:28.214-04:002011-06-01T01:24:28.214-04:00Sara,
Really nice rewrite. I had a couple of thin...Sara,<br /><br />Really nice rewrite. I had a couple of things to point out, nothing huge.<br /><br />>>>>He giggles as he runs.<br />Aamira bolts after him. <br />A squat man round man walking his dog watches Jakes runs by.<<<< YOU HAVE TWO RUNS IN A ROW. PLUS AN EXTRA "S" ON JAKE, I THINK. AND POSSIBLY MISSING A WORD IN THERE SOMEWHERE.<br /><br />>>>He studies the silver car. It had not been enough and there is nothing to be done for it.<<< I THINK THERE'S ALSO SOMETHING MISSING IN HERE.<br /><br /><br /><<>> I ALMOST THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE OUT THE SEES ME--AND HAVE IT BE A SHOCK WHEN SHE GASPS--HAVE HIM BE SURPRISED AT THAT MOMENT AND REALIZE SHE SEES HIM THEN. I'D LIKE TO SEE THIS MOMENT DRAWN OUT JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE. She becomes stunningly real to me in this instant, no longer an invisible casualty of my job.<br />I hear her gasp, a distinct sharp intake of breath. I hear someone from the other side; <br /><br />That's about all I have. I have really enjoyed reading this. Let me know when you get a deal :)Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.com