tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post3514323247503407248..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages August Workshop - Wise Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-53711569171322861242012-08-21T11:28:27.500-04:002012-08-21T11:28:27.500-04:00This jarred me because until the "I" at ...This jarred me because until the "I" at the very end of the final paragraph I thought it was going to be told in third person.Chelseyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08279604060499054571noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-80683278755080114052012-08-21T11:21:01.752-04:002012-08-21T11:21:01.752-04:00A very substantial revision, taking a very differe...A very substantial revision, taking a very different approach. The writing is very polished and the voice is compelling. You are a skilled writer and it shows.<br /><br />That said, on a character/plot level, this didn't work as well for me as the earlier versions. Whereas before I got a sense of a very self-directed protagonist who cared about her friends and was mired in some mysterious and ugly drug-dealings, here it just seems like we're just describing a bunch of teenagers hanging out, making out, and doing drugs. The protagonist seems much less self-aware, and there's no mystery that pulls me in to find out what's going on (there is the brief mystery guy, but I'm afraid that's not enough of a mystery for me).<br /><br />I also agree with Candyce that it wasn't very clear what was going on with all the various advances, hints about cheating and jealousy, who liked who, etc. Though to me it seemed like that ambiguity might have been deliberate.<br /><br />I'll also say this might be a reading preferences issue; I would be much more interested in a hard-hitting book about teens struggling with drugs (which was what I thought from the original beginnings) rather than a book about the various complicated relationships between teens who happen to be doing lots of drugs at the same time (which is what this beginning would lead me to expect).<br /><br />I hope this helps!Leah Cypesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11123736070369470635noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-6886202309311855872012-08-21T10:28:25.338-04:002012-08-21T10:28:25.338-04:00I like this revision a lot. And I don't know i...I like this revision a lot. And I don't know if I mentioned this earlier, but I love your writing. The one thing that kept nagging at me while I was reading this was what the relationship was like between Aaron and the MC. This might have been just me, but I got the feeling that he was making unwanted advances, and then it wasn't really addressed after that. Did something happen? Will we find out later? By the way, is Sean the college student she was talking about in this draft?The Author of Desideriumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18345879806087106132noreply@blogger.com