tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post3471810264265911708..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - September Entry #3 Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-83131225169781857132011-09-16T11:34:49.571-04:002011-09-16T11:34:49.571-04:00Hi Sheri, I can see you've been working hard o...Hi Sheri, I can see you've been working hard on this! I think you've done a better job of including relevant details and giving us a clue as to what the main problem of the story is (MC and best friend conflict about growing up). Definitely a story-worthy problem that I'm sure many MG readers could relate to! <br /><br />I agree with the other comments that there are still some areas that could use tightening, and I still think you can omit the dialogue about packing up the car. As Lisa said, if it's not revealing information about the characters or providing necessary plot info, it can go. (Because the reader can assume that they'll pack the car before they go; it doesn't need to be spelled out, know what I mean?)<br /><br />The main challenge I see is regarding the MC's voice. I'm guessing she's around 11 or 12? For the most part, you do a nice job of reflecting that, but when I read the phrase "my temporary fourteen-month old Aus shepherd-in training to be a service dog" that pulled me from the story. Seems like a bit of an info dump, and not something a child would say. At the same time, other parts seemed too childish, like her phrase "I want to swim and play in the sand, don't you?" Even if she has zero interest in boys, I don't think she would be so shocked about her friend's interest. Maybe she could talk about wanting to surf/boogey board etc there rather than later and make a funny comment about not caring about boys. Just a thought. <br /><br />Overall, good work!Sara B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01975666427972056060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-44941162489926289952011-09-15T11:37:21.453-04:002011-09-15T11:37:21.453-04:00Thank you all for your great comments. The duffel ...Thank you all for your great comments. The duffel bag has been a question. I have a duffel bag with wheels, so that is why I kept that line. I hope others are not confused. Suggestions, please!! I've really looked for my verb changes. Thank you so much for pointing those out. The second chapter goes further into Sara and Trina's differences and the ride becomes very difficult for Trina.sheri levyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08044105588939751015noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-18124677135800134732011-09-13T20:18:50.167-04:002011-09-13T20:18:50.167-04:00I love the way the details about the dogs are stag...I love the way the details about the dogs are staggered in with interaction from her friend. I think it shows the reader what to expect and brings the action along. I do agree that excluding the phone conversation since the girls are going to be seeing each other... Maybe some of the interaction with the dogs could happen in the car on the way to Sarah's house? Then, you can show the dogs doing this kind of behavior in action in relevant places in the rest of the story.Jessi E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/15106758044105449908noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-52060266484947147002011-09-13T16:54:06.393-04:002011-09-13T16:54:06.393-04:00Love the descriptions of the commands to the dogs ...Love the descriptions of the commands to the dogs - like where she counts in her head before letting Sydney get in the car.<br /><br />I'm wondering if this would have more impact if there was no phone call. Have her be excited about the trip, maybe tell the dogs they'll love running on the beach with Darby. Then show her reactions to Sarah's changed appearance and talk of doing things like looking for boys. <br /><br />Did Sarah bring Darby? Last I saw he was twining between Sarah's legs. I'm assuming Sarah's parents took their own car and Darby went with them? Do you need Sarah's parents at the beach? There's room for humor here with all three dogs and the two girls in the back seat.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-35775120178292914772011-09-12T15:46:25.376-04:002011-09-12T15:46:25.376-04:00Hi! I like the addition of Sarah and the interacti...Hi! I like the addition of Sarah and the interaction/voice of the MC in response to her, so good job! I still see several tense switches. You need to decide past or present and read through for consistency. <br />One small thing - you call the suitcase a duffle, then describe it (wheels, the way it closes, etc.) like a rolling suitcase. <br />I still feel like there's a bit too much detail. She's excited about the trip, we are introduced to the dogs and Sarah, then maybe a bit too much exposition/business with prepping the car? See what's needed. Go through and ask if each sentence is necessary. Does it either move the plot forward or build character? <br />Great revision!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-19740057809904526042011-09-12T10:56:08.501-04:002011-09-12T10:56:08.501-04:00Sydney, my temporary fourteen-month-old Australian...Sydney, my temporary fourteen-month-old Australian shepherd in- training to be a service dog, followed me out and sat at my feet. --> Needs rephrased. Too much info in one sentence. Move some of it to the paragraph descibing Sydney's hair.<br /><br />I had pictured Sarah with her black and white Springer spaniel, Darby, and with my own dogs having the adventure of a lifetime, running up and down the beach, splashing in the waves, making sand castles and who knows what else. --> again, too much in one place. Rephrase and make this two sentences, at least.<br /><br />Still need to watch tense-issues. You're doing better, though.<br /><br />After breakfast (comma)<br /><br />We drove across the street to Sarah’s house to caravan. I blinked and looked again. I couldn't believe my eyes. What the heck? Someone's taken over the body of my best friend.--> Not my favorite sentences in this piece. The first sentence needs some rephrasing (just sounds a little clunky). The last sentence also needs to be slightly rephrased. How about something along the lines of: "My best friend looked like she had been possessed by the spirit of a young Britney Spears"...or something similar.<br /><br /><br />Much better definition on the dogs' respective characters. Now they are starting to stand out as seperate entities. Do the same with Darby, please (one or two sentences for this dog). <br /><br />Overall, you've got a tighter read here, and more movement in these paragraphs. This is a much more interesting read than your first run.K.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04173383193490894482noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-224759213451951222011-09-12T10:13:46.480-04:002011-09-12T10:13:46.480-04:00Liked the feel of this. It sounded rather like mid...Liked the feel of this. It sounded rather like middle grade rather than YA?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07957545161716269528noreply@blogger.com