tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post3276432296741231660..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st Five Pages Workshop - May Rev 1: Entry #2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-18725905964833702552011-05-19T21:35:13.941-04:002011-05-19T21:35:13.941-04:00I agree that the tense issues are mostly locked do...I agree that the tense issues are mostly locked down now, and you've smoothed out a lot of the initial issues. Great job.<br /><br />I believe you can tighten this a bit. As a huge overwriter, I look at this extra hard, so take this with a grain of salt. BUT...<br /><br />In your first couple paragraphs, for example, you could cut a few words:<br /><br />The sun shines on this Saturday afternoon in the small town of Dayville[,] Connecticut, and a gentle breeze swirls [the] turning leaves [already] fading from waxy caterpillar green to [] lemon zest, saffron red, and [] orange peel. I [squint] at the sun and [] wonder what it [would be like to feel its] warmth [] or the chill that goes with the changing of the seasons.<br /><br />There are people everywhere. None of them suspect it, but a dark cloud [] edges [] closer. I [check the time on] the antique pocket watch from my vest pocket. The second hand ticks, its sound available to my ears alone.<br /><br />Obviously these are extreme cuts, just for illustrative purposes, and the result isn't necessarily better, just shorter. My point is that you need to consider every word, especially in these first five pages. See which words add significantly, and which can be removed to give you room to squeeze in some extra plot development. With many agents, you are only going to get to send five pages. Make the most of them and show us more of Death's dilemma, make us really feel his longing, for warmth, for life, for Aamira. Show us how he feels for the boy, what he makes of Aamira's tears. Does he reach out and try to feel them? Does he put his hand on her hair, hoping to feel it, to comfort her? Punch these things up. And what is it about this boy and his sister that is different--that is going to make THE difference in his life? Strengthen that.<br /><br />I agree with Lisa about the flashback. It felt a little distracting. <br /><br />As far as the voice goes, I'm going to disagree with Lisa--or agree, depending on interpretation. I wouldn't want Death to sound like a teen boy. Instead, consider adding some additional worldbuilding in the sense of giving us insight into what Death wants, what he needs, and how different this world is from where he spends his time. I'm thinking of stories like Brenna Yovanoff's THE REPLACEMENT, which was creepy in a truly beautiful way. Death isn't a teen boy here, so I don't think you want him to sound like one. Keep at this. You're getting there! Good job.<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-35112508315446917412011-05-15T15:17:54.145-04:002011-05-15T15:17:54.145-04:00This is a great revision. I really want to know w...This is a great revision. I really want to know what happens next!<br /><br />I like the beginning without those original first lines, but the first sentence now is really long. I was thinking you could split it at the "and" or you could combine the first couple paragraphs so you had something like this...<br /><br />There are people everywhere on this sunny Saturday afternoon in Dayville, Connecticut. None of them suspect it, but a dark cloud lingers and edges its way closer. I take the antique pocket watch from my vest pocket and look at its face. The second hand ticks, its sound available to my ears alone.<br /><br />2:38<br /><br />Four minutes and it will be time to collect him.<br /><br />I stroll along the sidewalk that leads into the park. A gentle breeze swirls about rustling the turning leaves as they fade from waxy caterpillar green to vibrant shades of lemon zest, saffron red, and shades of an orange peel. and so on... <br /><br />I love this line: I keep the living this way, nothing more than a palette of bright dancing colors.<br /><br />One thing to consider is whether it would make sense to refer to Aamira as his older sister rather than a "young lady" when you are first describing the scene. It might help ground us in their relationship more quickly. But, of course, you might have some very good reason for not doing that.<br /><br />I thought it was nice to give the background of Uriah being the first soul he took and the only other time he looked back. However, I was pulled out of the story a bit by all the detail of his death and Death's opinion about humans and war. I think that is great to include somewhere, but I don't know if right here makes the most sense. In my opinion, it would make sense to have a brief mention of Uriah and then keep going with Aamira to keep this powerful scene intact and to leave us with a bit of mystery in terms of what happened to Uriah.<br /><br />One nitpick: I wouldn't think that the clock's ticking would speed up at the end.<br /><br />But, anyway, I loved this before, and it's even stronger now. Well done!Ann Bradenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06948850218207863022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-49995960837882454402011-05-15T13:16:37.166-04:002011-05-15T13:16:37.166-04:00Thank you so much for all of the help so far! Marg...Thank you so much for all of the help so far! Margie-It does change to Aamira's pov. :-) her voice is MUCH more teen than death'sSara-Marissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16155108851058013752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-56562904369052014832011-05-15T11:41:42.151-04:002011-05-15T11:41:42.151-04:00PS. I would definitely keep reading after this.PS. I would definitely keep reading after this.Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-64115962731021177652011-05-15T11:40:26.892-04:002011-05-15T11:40:26.892-04:00Wow. Your changes made this so much more powerful....Wow. Your changes made this so much more powerful.<br />Nice job.<br /><br />I agree with Lisa about the flashback, that's the only time that I'm really pulled away from the story. And I wonder if it wouldn't even be more powerful without it. <br /><br />I love that he can "hear" through her for that one moment. <br /><br />Even though it won't be posted here, I hope the next chapter is from Aamira's pov.Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-49389628200431254852011-05-15T01:38:55.447-04:002011-05-15T01:38:55.447-04:00Yay! You fixed most of the tense issues (and the o...Yay! You fixed most of the tense issues (and the only one I saw I think was a typo). I think it reads much better, and you made the time thing so much clearer. By describing the absence of the senses, you gave us a better understanding of Death's experience. I GOT it when he was momentarily pulled into her reality. Still love the child and the sad situation. <br /><br />I feel like the flashback to his first "kill" could be smoothed out a bit. Perhaps more detail to the battle. A specific example or two of all the humans killing each other as he spins from one gruesome scene to another? That would certainly leave an impression. <br /><br />Knit-picky thing, but in that last paragraph - take out the word terrifying. I think it will work better. Also earlier try taking out "I hold out my hand." You use hand in the next sentence and I'm not sure this phrase is necessary. <br /><br />The thing I'm not getting is that Death is a teenage boy. I'm sorry to say that. Especially after all the praise. But you have to know. It's tricky to write from the perspective of the supernatural, and so far the only part that felt "young" enough was when he wanted to be with the girl. I want more of a teen voice for this, and I think based on your writing, you can do it.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com