tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post3212819247035470275..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages November Workshop - Entry #4 - Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-63199848743388040812011-11-28T16:09:59.422-05:002011-11-28T16:09:59.422-05:00I wish there was an 'edit' button! I just ...I wish there was an 'edit' button! I just wanted to add that the exchange between Jackson and his mother was particularly delightful. Somehow, Jackson as a character feels more 'present' in this chapter - I wish you'd included more of it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-77793147873359741102011-11-28T16:06:45.800-05:002011-11-28T16:06:45.800-05:00I'm gradually catching up (and it'll be in...I'm gradually catching up (and it'll be interesting to see where you went next with this). With this version, I miss the prologue! And I normally hate prologues. I think I find it more difficult to see how the letters-from-Iraq fit in - the prologue made me curious as to what the connection might be but the letters just leave me a bit puzzled. Though I could feel completely differently if I were reading this for the first time.<br /><br />The school scenes feel much stronger, though. The humour feels more natural and I love the interplay between Jackson and Ophelia - that felt very natural. I think it would be interesting to see how the first chapter feels with Buzz's gender being revealed sooner.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91833325905987511002011-11-20T02:32:41.961-05:002011-11-20T02:32:41.961-05:00Max Brunner said:
I love that you start with acti...Max Brunner said:<br /><br />I love that you start with action so early on. Writing those kinds of scenes is a talent and you've got it!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-73024883067975429512011-11-16T23:50:00.925-05:002011-11-16T23:50:00.925-05:00Thanks, everyone, for your comments so far. To be ...Thanks, everyone, for your comments so far. To be honest, I didn't like this one all that well. Originally I didn't have the letters begin until the second chapter, but I thought I'd try it out to give the reader more of a sense where I was going. <br /><br />I'll probably give the next revision a go at revealing Buzz's gender and see how it works. Originally it added humor to a scene further down the line when Jackson's Grandpa doesn't realize immediately that Buzz is a girl, but isn't crucial to anything in the plot. It's more of a burr under the saddle for Jackson, and his primary concern is Buzz's link to the army and his own family. <br /><br />Thanks again for the comments. They're so helpful!Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-78172066538201187972011-11-16T22:39:00.603-05:002011-11-16T22:39:00.603-05:00For some reason, I really enjoy this revision. I l...For some reason, I really enjoy this revision. I like how getting rid of the prologue (even though I did like it) enables us to see more of the actual story here. The visit to the principal's office and the whole thing with the two black eyes was really funny, very MG, and works well. Even though I'm about ten years too old for MG, I still really enjoyed reading this sample.<br /><br />Tiny nitpick: 'by being exceptionally cool in some desirable way.' Doesn't being exceptionally cool imply that it's in a desirable way? Is it possible to be cool in an undesirable way? <br /><br />I'm also a little bit more okay with not telling Buzz's gender in this version, but it's still a little annoying to me. Your narrator is giving us so many details about everything, yet he doesn't even mention something like, 'Despite being a girl, Buzz was the most popular kid around' or something like that. Anyways, if you are bound and determined to keep Buzz's gender hidden, then this version is definitely better than the last one, but I can't think of a way to make this better. I'm not used to this kind of thing, sorry.<br /><br />I do really like the diary idea, though. I think it gets across the idea that your old prologue did without the violence, which is great. <br /><br />On the other hand, I don't understand why it's the hat's fault. What's special about it? Does it have something to do with the MC's dad? It would be great if you could give us a slight indicator of this in the chapter. <br /><br />One last thing; I love your dialogue. It's really funny and feels authentic, not dumbed-down, but realistic for kids. I think you have the dialogue and voice of this piece pretty much down. <br /><br />Great job on this revision!Elanor Lawrencehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00936078326828012174noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-3783121431172438312011-11-14T18:59:11.961-05:002011-11-14T18:59:11.961-05:00Hi Beth,
I'm glad we got to see more of the s...Hi Beth,<br /><br />I'm glad we got to see more of the story in this version. And I like your letters from Dad openings. I like that you keep them short and that they give just a hint of Jackson't backstory.<br /><br />I can't make up my mind about concealing Buzz's sex, though. I totally agree with Cathy's points and wonder if your payoff will be worth the risk of possibly alienating your reader. I guess I'm holding my opinion mostly because I don't know how and when you're revealing it and for what purpose you're holding it secret. So, I guess, it's all in the way it's handled to me. However, if you decide to keep her sex a secret, I definitely recommend you throw in a couple of hints like Cathy suggests.<br /><br />Otherwise, I think these scenes read very fresh and lively. You let your action and dialogue drive your story and your descriptions are great.<br /><br />One other thing I like about your new letters from Dad beginning is that it gives us a hint as to why Jackson hates Buzz's hat.<br /><br />I'm intrigued with the setup between Jackson and Buzz, with both of their fathers in the army, and I'm assuming Jackson's is dead or missing in time? Anyway, I'm curious and want to see more!<br /><br />Good job!<br />SusanS.P. Sipalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17943968424012034217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-85533951580377181342011-11-14T13:27:27.981-05:002011-11-14T13:27:27.981-05:00I'm not sure that opening with letters from th...I'm not sure that opening with letters from the Dad work for me... but then, I was the lone dissenting voice who liked your previous war-violent opening, so I could just miss that. :) <br /><br />I'm still not fond of you keeping us in the dark re: Buzz's gender, either. It feels like a gimmick, and I'm afraid as a reader I'd feel tricked when the reveal happens. Mrs. Temple would refer to Buzz as "Buzz Murphy" but to the narrator as "Mr. Everly?" Wouldn't she say "Miss Murphy?" Your narrator notices Ophelia's wavy blond hair and blue eyes (even if it has no effect on him, as he is "a man who knew too much") but he won't even notice Buzz's deliberate choice to be a tomboy or describe anything other than the cap? It just reads forced to me, and I don't see how keeping her gender hidden contributes to the story. <br /><br />Even if you could just put in a little something that suggests it -- like Mrs. Temple saying he should be ashamed for picking a fight with Buzz (the prevailing belief being you shouldn't fight with girls) or something else that, when the reveal happens, the reader can say "ohhhh, now that makes sense." Again, just my opinion, but it really bugs me. <br /><br />Your descriptions and action scene (the food fight) are wonderful: I can picture it clearly in my head. Also loved the two black eyes and the banter ("What did you say?" "Ouch.") This is a lot of fun, and I'm still curious to see how the watch fits in. You've got a nice writing style.Cathy Yardleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11968956085630495203noreply@blogger.com