tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post2648618243784075529..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: Query Letter #26Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-20450792012595486682010-10-02T21:50:35.208-04:002010-10-02T21:50:35.208-04:00I love the voice! However,I think it has to be exp...I love the voice! However,I think it has to be expressed in small bites in the query for time's sake. What's the basic premise? <br /><br />Everly Blue's thirst for blood, pales in comparison to her desire for Chance Caldon, the hottie who dug her up.<br /><br />I think that sums it up in the first line. The rest really needs to be trimmed. What stuck out for me... which is JMHO... is the price. 1,000 souls gives you freedom. That's a hard decision, maybe. Tell me why? Are they innocents? Babies?<br /><br />The victims would draw me in because that is a moral dilemma. I'm not so drawn to who did her and ran. I'd stress the conflict.Sangay Glasshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02522075900678929866noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-78325501505512331782010-10-02T19:53:37.936-04:002010-10-02T19:53:37.936-04:00I agree with Carol that this has a great voice, bu...I agree with Carol that this has a great voice, but is also way too long. It should be 2 paragraphs (or 3 short ones max) about the plot - otherwise it starts to feel too much like a synopsis. We need the hook, the conflict, and why we care.<br /><br />The other thing that struck me is odd was in why she was surprised in paragraph 2. She woke up in a coffin, thirsted after someone's blood, and was surprised to find out that she was a vampire? Really? I think the only thing I'd be surprised about was that I was only a half-vampire (which is what I initially thought!)Nikkihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04951894771043230927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-89552830040582834012010-09-30T11:28:22.787-04:002010-09-30T11:28:22.787-04:00This has a nice voice, which I'm assuming matc...This has a nice voice, which I'm assuming matches the tone of the novel (a good thing). It seems slightly long to me, altho that could just be me. Agents are busy people, and the briefer (yet complete), the better; a query is simply to whet their appetite. Your line at the end about fans of the supernatural seems a little unnecessary. It's obvious the story has romance and danger, and supernatural stories mostly all have that, so it's an unneeded line. <br /><br />One thing that snagged me, that while "pound back plasma" has a kinda catchy ring to it, plasma is not blood, it's only part of the blood--and not the red part, either. Vampires don't only drink the plasma (unless she's diff?). It's not accurate.<br /><br />There's a typo in the 2nd paragraph: thousan w/o the d. I do love the sentence about the "pesky taste for blood that just won't go away." In the 2nd paragraph, you have 2 sentences that begin with And. I'd omit at least one, probably the last one. It reads fine--and actually stronger--w/o the And: Her life might as well be over. In the 4th paragraph, it seems the "the" isn't needed in the second sentence (all the while...).<br />But these are all tweaky things. Once you tidy those up, I think you'll have a great query letter!Carol Riggshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14092209912983783974noreply@blogger.com