tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post2390323252686294255..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages November Workshop - Entry #3 - Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-70446229668646781932011-11-27T15:16:57.185-05:002011-11-27T15:16:57.185-05:00Hi Max - thank you but I don't consider myself...Hi Max - thank you but I don't consider myself better than anyone!!!<br />The hook point is interesting - how much should one give away in the first 1250 words? Possibly I'm not giving away enough.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-90466621682208747262011-11-27T15:15:28.461-05:002011-11-27T15:15:28.461-05:00Hi Elanor
Thanks for the comments and in the last...Hi Elanor<br /><br />Thanks for the comments and in the last minute revisions I'm about to tackle, I'm definitely going to try and address the POV problems. Voice is definitely a problem.<br /><br />I'm probably not trying to write a YA novel at all in a lot of ways and I originally had it pegged as MG. But MG doesn't quite work either...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-20604111940028320812011-11-20T02:29:23.676-05:002011-11-20T02:29:23.676-05:00Max Brunner said:
You've got a lot of talent ...Max Brunner said:<br /><br />You've got a lot of talent and do a great job of blending action and dialogue. The first paragraph pulls me in with a great hook. I wouldn't mind another strong hook a little further along to keep us going. That's about it as far as criticism goes. You're better than me so I don't really feel like I have any right to give you any advice.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-86503281194108888262011-11-19T17:38:14.443-05:002011-11-19T17:38:14.443-05:00First off, I LOVE the idea. You've made it a l...First off, I LOVE the idea. You've made it a lot clearer in this revision, and I can now say that the premise of this story- guys wakes up having lost all his memories, so he doesn't know if he's in his real life or not- is definitely s omething I would read. This is a great opening for that kind of story, and the small changes you made really help get the idea across.<br /><br />That being said, this doesn't feel like YA to me yet. As a teen, someone who reads and writes almost exclusively YA, I find this hard to fit in. First of all, most YA is written in first person (more on that later.) Secondly, I'm really disconnected from the story so far. The first half, where we figure out what's going on, was great, but as the story progressed you started talking about names and places that I didn't get. Lastly, to do with both of those, you don't have your teen voice down yet. <br /><br />To elaborate, YA is often first person because YA is all about character. I once heard that the definition of MC was that it was about saving the world, but YA was about the character finding themselves. So far, despite the fact that the story opens with a character losing his memory (a personal problem) the story feels to me more like MG, like the main problem is the world, not the character.<br /><br />Personally, I don't think you should write this story in first person. Fantasy (or parallel historical fiction, whichever your story is) is a broader story, so third person works better. However, your plan to try writing it in first person sounds like an excellent idea. This will allow you to get a better feeling for the voice. 'Voice' is crucial in YA; editors describe it as the single most important thing they look for. If your story doesn't have an authentic teen voice, they won't want it. <br /><br />Basically, you need to make it feel less distant. We need to care about your main character. Right now he's confused, we get that, but it could help if he was a little less of a crybaby. He doesn't need to be perfect by any means, but he needs to be a little bit more there, more active. Perhaps he refuses to drink the medicine? Or maybe he draws a sword off the wall and demands answers? Whatever you decide to do, making your hero more active will make the story much more interesting.<br /><br />All in all, you've got a great hook and I'd love to read a story set in a parallel world about a guy who's lost his memory. However, the voice of the story and this main character could use some work.Elanor Lawrencehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00936078326828012174noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-59721962087247360712011-11-17T14:17:44.112-05:002011-11-17T14:17:44.112-05:00I like this better than your first version, becaus...I like this better than your first version, because I have a better picture of what's happening and who the characters are. I'd also like to know if I can trust Sardis. He seems like he's going to be a trustworthy person so far, but if he isn't, it would be nice to have a little foreshadowing of this.<br /><br />The first mention of the dark hole in his mind could be smoother, I think. Boys are allowed to cry, but in MG or YA fiction, it would probably take more than discomfort or frustration to bring it about. It might take despair, but Jerald isn't to that point because he's uncertain about his own past and future as well as that of his family. It does make him appear childish rather than YA.<br /><br />Also agree first person is a good thing to try here.<br /><br />I know you want the menace to creep in over the first couple of chapters, but you might not have that much time to hold your audience. If you keep them curious about Jerald, then you might.Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-36281228063849984432011-11-15T12:35:12.740-05:002011-11-15T12:35:12.740-05:00Fourth = first - sorry, been a long day!Fourth = first - sorry, been a long day!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-60217142592437911472011-11-15T12:34:19.734-05:002011-11-15T12:34:19.734-05:00Thanks, both! I'll step back and mull this ove...Thanks, both! I'll step back and mull this over for a bit. I agree about the emotional content and I think it's going to be one of those things where I creep slowly towards the right tone re-write by re-write and (hopefully) get there eventually. I do intend to try Susan's suggestion of a first person rewrite just to get the feel for it before returning to fourth (though I'll be keeping that to myself!) <br /><br />Jerald's weakness is another kind of problem. This is someone who as a character needs to grow into being an autonomous, strong individual for a number of reasons (Sorry, spoilers, as River Song would say) and I want the menace to creep in over the first couple of chapters rather than all at once. But I can see that there's a difficulty in terms of a character that people would be prepared to go on a journey with from page one onwards. <br /><br />I have a LOT of work to do on that first paragraph, at any rate.<br /><br />I do have another, fairly drastic possibility in terms of dealing with the first five pages, mind... <br /><br />And, hey, aren't boys allowed to cry sometimes? :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-83129453762832938652011-11-14T21:52:24.812-05:002011-11-14T21:52:24.812-05:00Hi Gabriel,
First, just one little detail -- you ...Hi Gabriel,<br /><br />First, just one little detail -- you say in Jerald's POV that the servant had mentioned his mother, but actually Sardis mentioned the rebels attacked his "family." It was in Jerald's POV early on that he thinks his mother was with him. Unless I missed another mention elsewhere.<br /><br />I agree with Cathy about the beginning. In fact, I'd say that there's a bit of distance throughout the first pages, but mostly at the beginning. I think it would be great if you could do a read-through totally focused on Jared's POV and emotions and wherever possible take it deeper into his head and show his emotions a bit stronger here and there.<br /><br />Otherwise, I think this is great and the pacing is good. I'm curious as to what happened and remain curious as to whether Sardis is hiding a secret or not.<br /><br />Good job!<br />SusanS.P. Sipalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17943968424012034217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-26295544763043414832011-11-14T13:52:22.086-05:002011-11-14T13:52:22.086-05:00I like that the servant's aware of the memory ...I like that the servant's aware of the memory loss... his reactions make more sense, and the backstory delivery becomes more fluid, a touch less forced. <br /><br />This is a tiny point, but the opening paragraph reads very distant for me, as if in omniscient narrator, because of the word choice. You might consider altering it a touch, to something like: "When he woke, his first thoughts were of the bitter taste of medicine, the shadowy figures of men standing over him, arguing... and pain." Don't put "the boy" in. Personally, I'd drop the last sentence, too, or change it to something like "Medicine. Had he been sick? He couldn't remember. Why couldn't he remember?" (Okay, that's wordy, but you get the idea... it's basically similar to what you're doing in the following paragraphs.)<br /><br />The only other thing: Jerald is coming off as fairly weak in this, with the tears and the fact that he's simply doing as he's told. He says he needs to be careful, but he drinks down the stuff Sardis gives him. I'm not getting a sense of menace here. Should I? Should I be questioning whether Sardis can be trusted or not? And if Jerald really does feel in fear of his life (which he probably should, what with the head injury and all) I think I want to sense that a little more. You've got some great description here. Could you perhaps shade in a little more emotional atmosphere? If I feel like he's genuinely in trouble right now, I'll connect more to his outcome. Otherwise, I just feel like something bad happened, but at least he's safe at home, even if his parents are dead or whatever. <br /><br />I'm still interested in this story, but I'd like a stronger hook.Cathy Yardleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11968956085630495203noreply@blogger.com