tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post137142168141868112..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - September Entry #1 Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-17965129145403085882011-09-13T22:45:14.234-04:002011-09-13T22:45:14.234-04:00Off the top, I want to say how much I liked this....Off the top, I want to say how much I liked this. A lot. That said, the beginning didn't draw me in--the note from her mother did, although I agree with Lisa (Hi, Lisa!) in that if I saw a note from my dead mother that I never realized was there, I wouldn't stuff it in my pocket--and I didn't like "gingerly"--I don't think a teen would think of doing anything gingerly.<br /><br />I think the intro of Greenly should wait until she appears in the book--the mention of her to begin the chapter distracts us from main character. <br /><br />What if you started out with something like:<br /><br />Nobody told me that Salon Sensations #52 would turn everything Black as Night, not just my hair. I glanced at the clock as I scrubbed my ear. I had fifteen minutes to get cleaned up and to work.<br /><br />Or something like that to get us immediately into her situation.<br /><br />I loved the Chinese restaurant. I was a waitress for like two days at one in college. Yep, only lasted two days. One training and one on my own. I couldn't take the yelling when I made a mistake. <br /><br />Loved the return of the neighbor boy and he'd better be the love interest, because I'm already clamoring for more of their interactions.<br /><br />Really nice job. I'd want to read more. Heck, I do want to read more.Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-41699389579186144762011-09-13T20:11:21.351-04:002011-09-13T20:11:21.351-04:00I really like the way this flows this time around,...I really like the way this flows this time around, although I agree with the others who are wondering about the time frame of her visiting the attic. Could she have just moved some of the special boxes up to the attic and remembers what is up there and goes for it? Or maybe she has some other reason for being up there other than looking for clothes?Jessi E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/15106758044105449908noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-53564950964649114512011-09-13T19:35:17.237-04:002011-09-13T19:35:17.237-04:00I really liked this - esp. Mrs. Liu's voice. F...I really liked this - esp. Mrs. Liu's voice. Funny! Agreed with one of the revisions that tightened your graphs, however it did raise one question as to why - if she's been going to the attic for years to get clothes - it's taken her this long to find the note. Or if she hasn't gone to the attic, why now specifically?Melodiehttp://foreverrewrighting.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-22764107034466011942011-09-12T22:48:01.253-04:002011-09-12T22:48:01.253-04:00I really like that you don't tell the reader t...I really like that you don't tell the reader too much. Just enough but not too much. Great.Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-14216174600154887032011-09-12T15:31:20.652-04:002011-09-12T15:31:20.652-04:00Great revision. Love that first line though I'...Great revision. Love that first line though I'm not sure you need both everything changing and knowing the truth about her mother. I think keep the mother part as you're showing it's the day. I think it could also use some tightening. There is some telling and showing the same thing, some extraneous info, some wordiness. Here's an example of the first few paragraphs and how I would tighten them.<br /><br /><br />Before I knew the truth about my mother, my biggest concern was the chemical spill site formerly known as my head. Greenly had convinced me that standing out was the solution to my boy problems—namely, there were no boys in my life. Enter Salon Sensations #52 Black as Night.<br /><br />When the last day of winter break came around, Greenly was still stuck under eight feet of snow at her dad’s place in Montana, I decided to carry out the plan on my own. So there I stood, dripping wet, hoping the frightening reflection in the mirror was an illusion. Closer inspection revealed the cruel reality. I was a freak. I was also late for work.<br /><br />Between the hideous starched crimson uniform and my now jet-black hair, my pale skin looked practically transparent, like the underbelly of one of those creepy fish at Emperor’s Wok. Splotches of dye lingered on my neck and ears. All I could do was damage control. I rummaged around my closet for something to conceal the mess. Nothing worked.<br /><br />I took the narrow steps to the attic two at a time, pushed by the skeletons of old lamps and ghostly sheet-covered furniture until I found a Tupperware crate stuffed with clothes. I dug through until I found a kelly green scarf. It would have to do. <br /><br />On my way out of the dusty space, a box I’d never seen before caught my eye. Suzanne was scratched across the side in my father’s writing. I had to go, but I couldn’t resist pulling apart the box’s worn cardboard flaps. I picked up the photo album and opened it at random. My mother looked up from the page, holding what must have been a baby me. My throat caught at her warm, open smile and easygoing stance. I traced her face with my finger before shutting the album with a kiss. As I slid the box back into its spot, a folded piece of paper fluttered to the ground. The graceful cursive read “To Jocelyn with Love.” <br /><br />I gingerly slipped it into my pocket and hurried on my way. <br /><br /><br />Sarah Laurenson<br />(Damn Blogger not letting me post as me - again.)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-20236474614823287532011-09-12T13:09:54.231-04:002011-09-12T13:09:54.231-04:00I really like the voice in the first two paragraph...I really like the voice in the first two paragraphs. Very witty. <br /><br />The next paragraph seems a little too full of adjectives, and color ones at that:<br />...raced to change into my starched crimson dress. Between the hideous uniform and my now jet-black hair, my pale skin looked practically transparent, like the underbelly of one of those creepy fish at Emperor’s Wok. <br /><br />I wonder about her going into the attic too. If it is winter - as described by her friend being snowed in and the snow-dusted figure of Cliff - wouldn't she already have her winter clothes, including scarves, accessible? And why would she think she would be able to find something wearable in an attic that is obviously dusty.<br /><br />I like the dialogue between her and Cliff. She sounds like she has quick comebacks which I love!<br /><br />One last thing, I agree with Lisa about adding things like she is more worried about being late than reading the note because... <br />Adding a few lines throughout might help to identify with her motivations a little more.<br /><br />Overall, great beginning! Very interesting.Halli Gomezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09667712458691917486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-43559833747542363772011-09-12T12:53:20.775-04:002011-09-12T12:53:20.775-04:00You're getting there, though there are a few i...You're getting there, though there are a few issues I would love clarification for. First, I know more about Greenly than your MC. I get that she's somewhere without as much snow as Montana, but... I like her motivation for going in the attic, but it feels a bit rushed/forced. Maybe if I felt more anxious about her being late. I would think a note from her dead mother that she'd never seen before would trump being late for a job. UNLESS she needs the money for something? She's on her last warning before being fired? Etc. Maybe that's why she's in a whirlwind looking for the green scarf and even could knock into the box that the note is in? Just a thought. Maybe she could even be pulling it out to see when the annoying neighbor boy walks in, making his presence that much more annoying? Then she forgets. <br />Speaking of which, this line "I smirked and gestured toward the cashier." Why is she smirking? Wouldn't she be embarrassed by this? She would wince, or fake smile or something like that I think.<br />The last line should have maximum impact here and I think just: "My mother couldn't have written the note. By the date on that piece of paper, my mother had been dead for *x amount of time*. IDK you can do better than me!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-64343189211377122652011-09-12T12:20:08.405-04:002011-09-12T12:20:08.405-04:00Great rewrite, Sara.I loved the pacing and the dia...Great rewrite, Sara.I loved the pacing and the dialogue. The flow was fun to read.I think if I had watched a note fallout of the photo album I'd want to open it immediately and read it. I loved the changes you've done with the hair, too. I wondered about her friend,Greenly. After rereading that paragraph I caught that she was on winter break. Is Josie going to school too? You could include her with just changing the word 'our' winter break. In the second paragraph after Josie has colored her hair,you use the same words, the rest of my life, and I don't think it's needed again. Maybe another phrase! Loved the rewrite and very strong character, mystery set up, and story. Good job!sheri levyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08044105588939751015noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-45775894822012278112011-09-12T11:22:57.925-04:002011-09-12T11:22:57.925-04:00We were supposed to do it together, but when the l...We were supposed to do it together, but when the last day of winter break came around and Greenly was still stuck under eight feet of snow at her dad’s place in Montana, I decided to carry out the plan on my own. --> Make two sentences at least--> We were supposed to do it together, but when the last day of winter break came around, Greenly was still stuck under eight feet of snow at her dad’s place in Montana. I decided to...<br /><br />So there I stood, alone, dripping wet, hoping the frightening reflection in the mirror was an illusion --> As I stood, ..., dr..., I could only hope that the ...<br /><br />It was the Sunday before the rest of my life, and I was a _total_ freak.<br /><br />Splotches of dye lingered on my neck and ears, enhancing the effect. --> good addition of detail. the "enhancing the effect" part needs a little rephrasing.<br /><br /><br />On my way out of the dusty space, another box, one I’d never seen before, caught my eye. Suzanne was scratched across the side in my father’s writing. --> I think the story would flow better if she accidentally knocks this box over. When she picks it up, she can then note the details.<br /> <br /><br />Suzanne was scratched across the side in my father’s writing --> rephrase this sentence a little. Suzanne should probably be in quotes.<br /><br />mother looked up from the page, holding what must have been a baby me --> mother looked up from the page, holding a baby me<br /><br />“Looks like you missed a piece back here. Actually, a few pieces…” --> “Looks like you missed a piece back here. Oh, and a piece here, and well, actually, you've missed quite a few pieces…” <br /><br />By then, I would be two; by then, she would be dead. --> tweak this line. Too many thens. <br /><br /><br />Better flow, better focus. I see a great deal of improvement here.K.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04173383193490894482noreply@blogger.com