tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post1313284359012117227..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages April Workshop - EdwardsMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-73943663900734112592012-04-14T04:09:49.872-04:002012-04-14T04:09:49.872-04:00Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to thi...Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this one! <br /><br />I really like your voice; it definitely sounds like you have an MC I'd be interested in reading about. I'm still not sure about the placement of the baseball game but you and Jay make good points for it being where it is.<br /><br />Given the title suggests Harold ends up doing something right, maybe a little bit of foreshadowing of that in the first chapter would be good to give us some idea where this is going?<br /><br />Oh, one more thing. From my (very limited!) experience of kids with Asperger's, I'm struggling to believe Harold would say "peed your pants" if it was actually lemonade. "Wet your pants" would perhaps be better as it's true either way.Robert Jameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00052921423866643389noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-23258935895811730812012-04-12T23:27:32.044-04:002012-04-12T23:27:32.044-04:00Thanks Di'Nae & Jay. My son doesn't ca...Thanks Di'Nae & Jay. My son doesn't care to read but he will read about baseball. That is why I have the game so early - to reel in readers like him.<br /><br />I have a revision ready that switches some things around. I will be anxious to see the feedback.<br /><br />Thanks for your time!Danahttp://momslifeponderings.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-30045844968669677432012-04-12T06:08:06.117-04:002012-04-12T06:08:06.117-04:00As a former boy, current man and father of a boy, ...As a former boy, current man and father of a boy, I absolutely loved the placement of the baseball story here. In fact it serves the Jake and Harold story line by keeping and building the tension. When an error occurs in the game, the readers thoughts inevitably turn to Harold. The end of the game leaves us with more info about Jake and still thinking of the dilemma Jake seems to THINK is all worked out... but we readers can sense that it's not going to be as simple as Jake thinks.<br /><br />When kind readers want all the beans spilled in the first 5 pages and lament about wanting to know where it's going. It means you've done a good job... so please finish this and let us read the rest. This story deserves to see light of day and ink of paper. (that second thing doesn't make sense but I needed something to balance light of day.)Jayhttp://sang-froid.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-31883133078832140532012-04-11T18:18:24.717-04:002012-04-11T18:18:24.717-04:00This story sounds like one of those great MG books...This story sounds like one of those great MG books that I would have loved when I was that younger. The voice in the story is very strong and convincing. I can tell that there will be many twists and turns with the two boys. Also I love the baseball talk, it makes me feel like I'm there. The only question I have is where this is all leading to? Are there other problems besides with Harold? Those questions probably be answered later in the book, I'm just nosey. -DiNae' BillingsleyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-30756601799693886882012-04-11T14:35:00.924-04:002012-04-11T14:35:00.924-04:00Great suggestions all! My head is spinning (and hu...Great suggestions all! My head is spinning (and hurting just a bit). :)<br /><br />The relationship between Harold and the MC and baseball are all SO critical to the story. I've got to sort this out! Thanks!<br /><br />@ Anonymous - yes! I've read Okay for Now. It's excellent!Danahttp://momslifeponderings.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-22074628992770725242012-04-11T08:44:54.592-04:002012-04-11T08:44:54.592-04:00Wow! That Harold a stinker! I have to admit I ke...Wow! That Harold a stinker! I have to admit I kept wondering what the actual story was. I think starting off by telling us so much about another character probably isn't a good place to start. I want to know more about MC. And I felt at time his voice was a little mature. "Forms of humiliation," seems old as some other words that I feel young people don't use. But, I do like the premise. I think if you can figure out in one sentence what your main character wants and then focus on that throughout, it will help. Right now, I'm confused as to where this is going. About the baseball, I just finished Okay for Now, by Gary Schmidt and he uses baseball and stats throughout and it's a pretty incrediable book. If you haven't read it, I'd suggest it. Can't wait to see your revisions for this. Good luck. ShelleyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-28178599571379647972012-04-10T22:56:21.426-04:002012-04-10T22:56:21.426-04:00Hello Dana,
The voice works as a MG boy. I like t...Hello Dana,<br /><br />The voice works as a MG boy. I like the first paragraph and feel a little stronger hook could be made by placing the conflict in that paragraph or paragraph 2. We understand that Harold felt humiliated and we'd like to know what is he going to do about it, which you hint at in last paragraph, closer to the beginning. Suggest keeping paragraphs 8-10.<br /><br />Chapter 2: First 2 paragraphs introduce us to current setting and potential conflicts: Keep them. Paragraphs 3-7 are backstory, and although interesting, can be condensed to the most important items you want the readers to know right away. Weave in the rest of the info in other chapters. <br /><br />Readers are taken away from the "humiliation," or point of Ch. 1, 1st paragraph's intro by diverting into the baseball game. Paragraphs 8-10 which don't seem to connect to Ch. 1 story. <br /><br />See you next week. MonaAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07925934256050681032noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-72336357758385480012012-04-10T12:34:16.337-04:002012-04-10T12:34:16.337-04:00Hi Dana,
I'm a little funked because I don...Hi Dana,<br /><br />I'm a little funked because I don't quite know where this is going. And while there were moments where i loved the voice, there were moments in the first chapter where I felt like there was some authorial intrusion going on too. Could we possibly see a scene with Harold (You really are dooming this poor kid, aren't you?) and the MC? Could there be a new girl in the neighborhood or something, and Harold tells the pee story and that sets us up for what it's going to be like in middle school. Could Harold express enthusiasm for hanging out together, and the mc's mother tell him he has to be nice, so that he's really between a rock and a hard place?<br /><br />Building a scene or two in the first chapter might make us feel a little more of a connection between that and the second chapter. But I'd like a better sense of the significance of the baseball game or a link with Harold to keep us feeling like we're moving forward in the action. If you set up that beginning to show that Harold is going to torpedo his plans, then you reflect on the knowledge that he had plans for getting to know the popular kids (as you have already done) but that Harold is going to be a problem, could you maybe put the second game into real time and have some of the other team so he wants to impress them before Harold comes into the picture? Or whatever would make sense within the context of where you are going. <br /><br />Hope that makes sense. Of course, this is your story and you should tell it any way that speaks to you. I'm just not feeling that the first half (despite its charm and true dilemma) was as genuinely kidcentric as the beginning of the second chapter, and I don't understand how the baseball flashback connects to anything at all. If you can tie them up together, I think you'll have a great beginning.<br /><br />Looking forward to seeing where you go from here.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-69598313166268114792012-04-10T01:16:37.807-04:002012-04-10T01:16:37.807-04:00I'm with Lisa on this one. I'll comment mo...I'm with Lisa on this one. I'll comment more fully later in the week, but as a baseball fan I loved the stories - I just think that they might be better a bit later on.Robert Jameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00052921423866643389noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-36555657494022712642012-04-09T19:03:49.383-04:002012-04-09T19:03:49.383-04:00I like the narrator/MC in this. He's got a goo...I like the narrator/MC in this. He's got a good kid voice. I do feel like so far though it's kind of a lot of backstory and we haven't gotten to the meat of it yet. I wonder if some of the baseball stories could wait a little bit? I like it, and I suspect a lot of MG boys will too, but you set up the issue as starting middle school while trying to distance himself from his friend and then kind of fall into a whole chapter of baseball, which is clearly important to him. Either that or shorten up the backstory considerably and get back to the main story. That's my feeling anyway, others might disagree.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com