tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post1271734271216563641..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages February Workshop - Braden Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-39220650731951634992012-02-22T16:28:45.506-05:002012-02-22T16:28:45.506-05:00Lookin' good, lookin' good! Can't real...Lookin' good, lookin' good! Can't really pick too much, except I'd get rid of the second instance of descriptor-phrase-that-uses-hyphens. I love this construction, but I wouldn't use it twice on the same page. If this is something she does regularly throughout the book, which would be fine IMO, just be sure to spread it out a little so we don't get tired of it. Other than that, great job!M.E. Summerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15721635796108451198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-37191845446153272752012-02-22T10:12:24.771-05:002012-02-22T10:12:24.771-05:00Hi Ann,
Lovely! Two minor things. One, separate o...Hi Ann,<br /><br />Lovely! Two minor things. One, separate out Mr. Trolp's dialogue at the end from the preceding paragraph and built it up even a little bit more with some of the dialogue cues and bits of business that you do so well. You're almost there, but it would be great to hit the ominous note even a little bit harder.<br /><br />Second, I'd love to see you show us the graph in more detail at the beginning to ground us in the scene immediately. Is it paper? Is the paper wrinkled? Is it written in pen? Is the pen smudged from where so-and-so spit on it while arguing that he hadn't lost 50 cents to so-and-other? How does she do the comparison? Just a few very specific details.<br /><br />Third, her internalization between the two sections of the "except" dialogue reduce the impact of the fact that she is looking at him and the import of it. I'd almost love to see you twist a cliche like:<br /><br />Except,” Mr. Trolp says, his eyes ****** inside me so **** it feels like he can ***** (some secret that reveals her character). “Except... dark energy didn’t exist for the first 4 billion years.” He lowers his voice. “But since then it’s been popping into existence pretty damn fast. You don’t end up as seventy-three percent of the universe without a fight, now do you<br /><br />Oh for crying out loud.<br /><br />Not sure that the lowering of his voice is right either. Really try to analyze what you want the reader to take away here and what kind of phrasing would best convey it.<br /><br />That's it. Love it and can't wait to read it again. :D<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />M.Martina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-31416616640891671332012-02-21T19:02:01.156-05:002012-02-21T19:02:01.156-05:00I love it! You've done a great job increasing ...I love it! You've done a great job increasing the weirdness of Mr. Trolp, as well as building her curiosity about the dark matter. Great job. The only tiny thing I caught was "“Except,” Mr. Trolp says loudly, looking back at me." It may be silly, but the adverbial dialogue tag stuck out at me like - well, like an adverbial dialogue tag! :D Maybe he smacks the desk and makes her jump? Or something else... IDK!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com