tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post1256305730349261742..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages December Workshop - Ledbetter, Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-37670903324694871772011-12-20T17:54:35.217-05:002011-12-20T17:54:35.217-05:00I already agree with what they said, especially re...I already agree with what they said, especially regarding Tos. I'd love to know a little more about him and how he protects Zeus--you already say that Zeus doesn't understand the other protection, but his relationship with Tos seems casual so I do wonder about that. Is he a part of the tribe? Also nitpicky, but why does Zeus call his mother Amalthea at the end? They seem closer than that. Great revision!Christina Reads YAhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14937783114868207494noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-85370039808575251362011-12-20T10:35:56.837-05:002011-12-20T10:35:56.837-05:00Another strong rewrite. Nice job! I feel like we...Another strong rewrite. Nice job! I feel like we're getting to know Zeus better. Really now it's nit-picky stuff. I like how you brought the sea nymphs in more, but felt you could have a more specific line to discribe them.<br />"Their iridescent eyes and seductive charms made me smile." Didn't really work for me.<br />shelleyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-27055114560203857192011-12-20T06:03:33.772-05:002011-12-20T06:03:33.772-05:00You've got a great voice. And I like the way w...You've got a great voice. And I like the way we can see where Zeus's character arc is coming from and going. I'm guessing we're moving from selfishness to a more-caring, responsible Zeus, right? He's concerned for his mother here, but I think we should see a glimmer of concern for Tos, too, when his skin looks like a fig. The POV is getting deeper with this revision and it's already pulling me into the story more. Great job!Sandrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02809497364875067330noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-50105117489178901772011-12-19T23:07:51.701-05:002011-12-19T23:07:51.701-05:00Hi Chris,
MUCH stronger. It is. I still have some...Hi Chris,<br /><br />MUCH stronger. It is. I still have some concerns about the reactions between Tos and Zeus and the motivations for the run, but it is getting clearer. Perhaps put yourself in Tos's POV though, and think this through from his perspective. What would he be thinking and how would he really be reacting. Lisa hints at this same issue, and it's what first tripped me up. If the situation is so dangerous, you have to show some compelling reason why Tos would agree to take Zeus out. You're almost there, but not quite yet.<br /><br />I love the goat passage. It shows a lovely gentle aspect of Zeus' personality to temper the adolescent horniness -- I'm assuming you're intending the obvious relationship there :). And I do like that you stay away from the overt sexuality of the nypmphs and go with more artistic imagery. <br /><br />I agree with Marilee's comment (and I think Lisa is getting to the same issue) about the last paragraphs. Again, put yourself into Zeus' POV more deeply here and go line by line to figure out what he's really thinking and feeling as he reacts.<br /><br />You're almost there.<br /><br />This is very nitpicky, but it has tripped me up on every read. The line "I trudged up the darkened beach, digging my toes in the sand with each step" clearly shows his reluctance when I stop to think about it, but I do have to stop to think about the phrasing conveying an active act of reluctance. Is he consciously impeding his progress, or is his body subconsciously impeding his progress? If the latter, maybe his toes dig in despite what his brain is telling him. This is an opportunity to convey conflict -- and in fact, I wonder if that isn't part of the key here. His common sense and Tos are both telling him to go, but the freedom and the nypmphs and whatever else are all calling him to stay.<br /><br />Looking forward to the final round!<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />M.Martina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91649258873116838972011-12-19T17:07:33.556-05:002011-12-19T17:07:33.556-05:00Lookin' good, Chris! Much better each time. :D...Lookin' good, Chris! Much better each time. :D I only have two notes for you. One is you are still repeating words too close to each other. Words like: pace and Totally for example. So go through and look for repetition. Second, I would like to see more of Tos' reaction to the fact that he really did let Zeus stay out too long this time. Is Tos' panic unusual? Does it unnerve Zeus as much as seeing the sun deity descend? That sort of thing will help develop your secondary characters and deepen the reaction from the reader.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-1650808613863619682011-12-19T14:44:57.828-05:002011-12-19T14:44:57.828-05:00I really like this new beginning - you show Zues a...I really like this new beginning - you show Zues as having an artist's soul, which makes the later scene that much more striking. <br />I still found last passages to be a little harder to follow - I think I was hoping for some internal thoughts of Zeus (just a sprinkling since it's obviously a fast moving action scene, but some kind of reaction). <br />Great revision!Marilee Hayneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16757885702409755120noreply@blogger.com