tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post1055783173035071195..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - June Entry #5, Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-8651381654672111452011-06-21T18:14:06.047-04:002011-06-21T18:14:06.047-04:00Thanks for all the good comments. I'm working ...Thanks for all the good comments. I'm working on it...Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-43076166105327746202011-06-20T23:05:53.294-04:002011-06-20T23:05:53.294-04:00Hi Rosi,
I'm not going to repeat what I'v...Hi Rosi,<br /><br />I'm not going to repeat what I've already said, although I still believe it all applies :D. I'd like you to establish earlier that he is ten, but do it in an unobtrusive way or humorous way. That way, you don't have to have him say, "but I'm only ten." You can go straight to "But where will I go?" which would be more poignant.<br /><br />I'm not sure about the wasteful foam conversation, but I think you could easily make that part of Freddy's comeback to Poppa, part of his bargaining. But who will get your beer and bring it back the way you like it, etc. etc. <br /><br />This has so much potential, Rosi, but be very careful to establish things at the beginning so that you don't lapse into melodrama during the situation with Poppa. The situation is so extreme right now, and Poppa has no redeeming characteristics at all, so ultimately we're not getting as much power out of the scene as we could if you rounded that character a bit more, and gave us more of Freddy's family life. <br /><br />I like the way you've brought out the voice more though, and I love knowing that he wants to be an architect. <br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-88257717846425168142011-06-19T16:06:01.134-04:002011-06-19T16:06:01.134-04:00Yes! The voice is really sharpening. Lines like, &...Yes! The voice is really sharpening. Lines like, "He had seen the back of Poppa’s hand enough times to know not to make him wait" and "Why would he ask?" are wonderful for giving us a glimpse of Freddy's thought processes. <br /><br />I do find the bit about the Cubs a little too obviously expository. This line stuck out for me: "Someone answered, “1918. Eight years! Da bums.”" It seemed to be there so the reader could do the math in her head and figure out the exact year in which the story is set. I think it boils down to the fact that this particular line of dialogue just didn't feel true to me. Just citing a date without any other information seemed... off.<br /><br />I mean, if I were talking about sports, I'd be talking about the players themselves, not just dates. Wouldn't someone say something more like, "Not since Kowalski packed it up in 1918" or a similar sentiment? Right now, it seems like the patron is just pulling a number out of thin air.<br /><br />As far as characters go, thus far, I'm really liking your portrayal of Poppa. It's very subtle. I can tell that Poppa is feeling mixed emotions here, but you're not clubbing me over the head with that.<br /><br />Overall, the passage is tighter and stronger. Brava!Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13544703229078531691noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-16215862705408862662011-06-19T15:20:23.045-04:002011-06-19T15:20:23.045-04:00I love the line you added where Freddy participate...I love the line you added where Freddy participates in the discussion at the bar! Yay! I think "Poppa was usually happy after work, but not today" maybe ought to be something like "Usually after work was the only time Freddy could count on for Poppa to be happy." because it still feels a little out of place with the way you're setting up Poppa's character. <br /><br />Still love the talk with Poppa. Heart wrenching.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com