Monday, May 14, 2012

7 1st 5 Pages May Workshop - Amabel Rev 1


Author: Katherine Amabel
Genre: YA Fantasy
Title: The Hourglass Bridge

Di couldn’t decide whether to tiptoe away or start running. Regrettably, being paralyzed with fear made it difficult to do either.

There’s someone in my house! The realization slammed into her again. She stared at the miniature, wooden hourglass on the bookshelf, trying to convince herself she was overreacting. After all it didn’t look that scary, standing on a lace doily next to a bowl of potpourri, but those things had been there when she walked past a minute ago.

The hourglass hadn’t.

Coby? She grasped at a desperate hope as the silvery grains of sand tumbled through the rough, glass shell.  No. Her oblivious twin brother was upstairs, doing his absolute best not to get ready for school, while she was alone with a potential robber, axe murderer or raving lunatic for company.

Or even a living army of home-invading knock-knacks, she chided herself, searching for a better explanation. The hourglass must have been there all along, no doubt left by her parents on their way to work, she decided. Her passing footsteps probably shook out a blockage of sand, allowing it to pour as if it had only just been turned. No big deal.

Satisfied with her theory but anxious to get back on schedule Di checked her watch – and the sight woke her faster than being drenched in a bucket of ice water. How could it be that late already? Ironing Coby’s shirt had stuffed up her routine a bit, but by this much? The bus would be there any minute.

She rushed upstairs to the apocalyptic mess Coby called his room. His scruffy brown hair, stained uniform and grubby trainers were like camouflage amidst the chaos.

“Who lost my schoolbag?” he whined, kicking aside piles of dirty laundry and untouched textbooks.

“No-one. But can you hurry up? Please?”

Coby muttered something, probably rude, but at least he wasn’t making last minute fridge raids or playing living-room obstacle football. And if he complained again about face washing and teeth cleaning and other things fifteen-year-old boys say are a waste of time, she might just disown him altogether.

Like that’s ever going to happen. Di sighed. Despite Coby’s unflinching belief that she was adopted, their identical brown eyes said they were as close as family could get. So to their mutual annoyance, she felt compelled to fuss.

“Fine,” Di said. “I’ll find the bag. You get ready.”

“Right.” Coby finger-combed his hair as he dashed out, but he still looked like he’d been mugged. By a cyclone.

You’re welcome. I was running on time until… you.  Di grabbed her own bag from her room and hurried back downstairs, silently composing the lecture she would never have the heart to deliver.  When she stepped down from the landing she checked the bookshelf and froze.

The hourglass was gone.

Oh my god. Di pressed herself against the hallway wall to cover her back, throwing panicked glances up the corridor in both directions. If she went upstairs to warn her brother, she’d cut off any means of escape. But if she tried searching for the intruder, she couldn’t move anywhere without leaving the rest of the house open for them to sneak around.

Di locked her eyes on the hallway phone. And something crashed to the floor above her.

Coby! She dived back around the corner, without considering who she’d meet or how she might defend herself, and found Coby on the top step with his hands raised in surrender.

“Before you go mental,” he said as a cricket ball rolled out behind him, “that vase was ugly anyway.”

“Uh-huh.” Di waved his words away. “Did you see an hourglass here? There was a little antique one, like, a second ago.”

“Oookay.” Coby raised his eyebrows. “Forget the vase, you’re mental already.”

“Am not.” Di checked all over the bookshelf but she knew the search was pointless. Even from Coby’s room it had been in her peripheral vision the whole time. No one moved the hourglass, because it never existed.

“Let me know if you find a pot of gold while you’re at it,” Coby said, kicking the tennis ball back into his room and disappearing after it.

Ignore him. Sure he’d caught her creeping through the house with a butcher’s knife two weeks ago, looking for what turned out to be just a mouse in the pantry, but that didn’t make her crazy and neither did this.  No it was a trick of the light, made worse by tired eyes after last nights’ study cut into her scheduled seven and a quarter hours’ sleep.

Yeah, right, Di thought, until an involuntary yawn set her eyes watering enough to blur out everything around her. She blinked it away and found herself staring at the grandfather clock beside the bookshelf.

From the glass case, two solemn figures stared back.

What the—? Di spun around, searching for the source of the reflection, but the stairs were empty. Gripping the banister in case her legs gave way, she started to turn back again. Every incremental movement was stiff enough to make her neck creak but she didn’t have the courage to go any faster. Eventually her gaze reached the base of the clock. She raised her head.

“Found it!” Coby thundered downstairs, slinging his backpack over his shoulder while Di tried not to faint with shock.

“It was under my bed. The ball rolled right next to it,” Coby said, pushing past her to the front door. She didn’t move.

“You coming?” He paused. Di looked back at the clock. The faces had gone.

Tired. Plain, sane and tired, she told herself, refusing to believe anything else. She brushed the creases from her uniform, ran a hand over her ponytail to ensure there wasn’t a hair out of place, and followed Coby outside.

The bus passed their stop just as Di locked the front door. Coby couldn’t resist a race as the bus dragged itself up the hill and Di chased after him, dying of embarrassment; with her overstuffed schoolbag bouncing on her back, she felt like a giant, uncoordinated turtle.

At least it won’t make me any less cool, she reasoned as she caught up and climbed on board. Coby headed straight for the back seat, leaving Di, with her rank on the social ladder of about five rungs underground, to that most fiercely coveted of spots: smack-bang behind the driver. Waiting for her as always was her slightly freckly, slightly lanky, best-friend-ever, Josh.

“Since when do you have to run to get here on time?” He gaped at her as she joined him. “What happened, did every watch in the world stop working?”

“Yeah… I mean no… Coby was taking forever.” Di shook her head.

“You okay though? You seem stressed.”

“I’m just tired.”

“Were you up all night reading again?”

“Maybe,” Di admitted. Josh feigned disappointment.

“You need a life,” he teased. He was joking, but the honesty in his hazel eyes hit a painful nerve.

Di turned away, fiddling with her neatly trimmed nails to avoid his gaze. Josh was right; her life was about as exciting as leftover Brussels sprouts.

“Maybe you… you could… come out sometime,” he said quietly. Di jerked her head up and saw, to her astonishment, a hint of colour creeping up from his cheeks to the roots of his dusty blonde hair.

He met her eye, went completely red and turned to the rain streaked window…

7 comments:

  1. A lot of this works so much better now. I have a better feel for Di's personality. The way you've done the appearance and disappearance of the hourglass makes her (now toned down) panic more believable.

    You don't need "regrettably" - that just dilutes a nice line.

    "The hourglass hadn't" line sticks out - I'm not sure why it is there. Maybe change to something showing the sand is flowing through - giving that more emphasis to make really creepy. Then, while she is telling herself it had always been there, she (and the reader) won't quite be convinced.

    The blocking is still off when Di points out the missing hourglass. She's gone around the corner. I can't buy how she can possibly see the hourglass from different floors of the house unless she can see through walls. Maybe she leads Coby over the broken vase (emphasizing how little she cares about it?) to show him.
    After Coby? the next line should indicate who he is - otherwise is confusing. Maybe switch those two lines.

    Isn't it knickknacks?

    I think you can delete "Satisfied with her theory" - I think leaving some question is good as doing otherwise drains the tension.

    Did Di not see Coby at first in his room? Needs clarification so camo reference makes sense.

    I don't quite buy the line about teeth brushing - fifteen is about when boys start caring for their appearance. That's when they start noticing girls... Coby could be a late bloomer of course - if so, that should be emphasized. The fridge raiding and football thing (though I didn't really understand the game) works. Fifteen is a funny age for boys. They're still children in a lot of ways, and yet they can flip incongruously into adult mode. Is it really necessary to the story he be fifteen? It really sounds like you want him to be younger. Di's taking care of him makes more sense if he's her kid brother too.

    When Di thinks about the shirt ironing, it should be accompanied by some sort of emotion to give a hint as to why she'd do such an odd thing. Is she resentful? Annoyed a usually restful activity was rushed???

    Does this story take place in Britain? mental, cricket... Sometimes it sounds like it and sometimes not.

    The brown eyes line didn't quite work - Most people in the world have brown eyes. Is there an unusual feature you could use?

    WHY does Di feel compelled to fuss? Not just because they're related I wouldn't think.

    The lecture thing makes more sense now, but WHY doesn't she have the heart to deliver it? We don't need a load of backstory, just a hint. ie "If only Mom were here... I feel like you're being a little coy about the parents. Again, for such a responsible person, Di doesn't worry about the vase, like there was nobody to care.

    Are the solemn figures human? Male? Female? Then they became faces.

    Indicate the bus stopped...

    Is Josh her best, or her ONLY friend?

    I hope you are recovered from the flu :)

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  2. Yay! Great revision. Just a couple of spots that don't jive. I'd just take out the line about being able to see the hourglass from Coby's room. It's awkward and pulls me out of the story. I don't think you need it.
    I would like more details about the faces looking at her as I feel this is important.
    Also she's slowly turning back to it and just as Coby reenters I felt like she saw something in there. She tries not to faint, right? But then she looks for the reflections a couple of sentences later. The timing is off. Did she already turn to look or not? Clarify.
    As to the age of the brother. Heather is right. My son is thirteen and now cares a great deal. He has perpetually messy hair, but he won't let me touch it and spends time arranging it in the mirror. I don't get it, but I'm not a teenage boy. *shrugs*
    Overall very nice. I like Di's character. :D

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  3. I am still having trouble with your beginning and Di's fear of intruders. In this version, she's afraid of them, then tells herself it's nothing, then gets afraid of them again, only to snap out of it very quickly. If I saw an hourglass on a shelf in my house that hadn't been there before, I don't think I would immediately jump to thinking there were intruders in the house. I realize that if she isn't afraid that someone's in her house, then you may lose your very cool opening line! But it just keeps tripping me up.

    I agree that Coby still comes off younger than 15. I think you need to decide if you will bring his age down, or - if it's important that the two are twins - change his dialogue to make him older. You say that he "whined". I know that teens do whine, but it automatically makes me think he's a little kid.

    One last thing that stood out to me where the number of paragraphs that started out with her thoughts in italics. I would just be wary of using this device too often.

    I still love Di. She's a great character, and I think you have the start of a great beginning here! All of these things are just tightening up. :)

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  4. I still don't see why an hourglass would make Di jump to the conclusion that there's someone in her house. And why doesn't she walk over, pick it up, take a look at it?

    Neither Di no Coby act 15. She condescends him in her internal narration, like she's much older than he is. And he acts like he's 8.

    Di has a scheduled seven and a quarter hours of sleep? She can't function on less? No real teen lives like that. You party till two or three, and have just as many cups of coffee the next day.

    Josh is still bothering me. He;s the cliche' freckled, lanky, best friend. And why are they friends anyway? Does Josh have some horrible deformity that puts him five rungs underground on the social ladder, too. (Nice touch with that, by the way. Though I wonder about the difference between Coby and Di on the popularity aspect.) Why are we being introduced so early to Josh's [cliche'] crush? Is it necessary at this point?


    Much better revision. Curious what Di is short for--you might want to stick that in?

    Good luck!

    ~Riv Re
    Riv Reads

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  5. Embarrassed to say, but I was a teen who clocked my 7 1/2 hours of sleep. I believe I suffered from the same horrible deformity as Josh: nerdiness. :)

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    Replies
    1. haha so did I - in fact I still do! And as far as the names are concerned, RivRe I'm glad you asked - they're short for Diamond and Cobalt but I can't find a way to nicely bring that in.

      Thanks for everyone's advice again!

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  6. Maybe work Diamond's name in as she contemplates her feelings of inadequacy? ie "She didn't know why her parents would call her Diamond, like she was worth something." Maybe Cobalt wears a cobalt blue sports jersey and that seems fitting to Di? I don't think you necessarily need to clarify the names in the first 5 though, just the first chapter somewhere.

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