Saturday, June 18, 2011

4 1st 5 Pages Workshop - June Entry #5, Rev 2

Rosi Hollinbeck -- Middle Grade Historical

Freddy ran to his front porch and grabbed the tin pail. He got to Ohio and Green out of breath and sweating. The buttons on his knickers were loose, and the heavy cuffs flapped against his shins. Poppa wouldn’t like it if he looked like a bum. The car was still a block away. Dropping the pail, he buttoned his knickers below his knees.

Squat, brick tenement buildings and a rusty overpass carrying Chicago traffic stood across from him. Someday he would design beautiful bridges and elegant skyscrapers like those in the Loop. Someday. If he studied hard in school. And he would. No factory work for him.

Poppa stepped from the streetcar and handed Freddy a quarter. They didn’t speak German much since the Great War, but when he spoke, his thick, guttural accent turned “w’s” into a “v’s” and the soft “th” sounds into hard “d’s” or “t’s.”

“No wasting time. We got some tings to talk about. You come straight home after de Schenke.” He turned and walked away.

“Well, that don’t sound good,” Freddy muttered as he walked to the speakeasy. Poppa was usually happy after work, but not today. Freddy hurried. He had seen the back of Poppa’s hand enough times to know not to make him wait.

Freddy pushed his way to the bar and put his pail up. He could barely see over the tall counter, but Otto knew who he was and what he wanted. And he knew better than to give Freddy a pail of foam.

“How you doin’, kid?” Otto smiled down at him. “Got a quarter? Put it up here.”

Freddy slapped the quarter down and watched while Otto filled the pail and scraped foam off before fitting the lid. The Cubs game blared from the radio behind the bar. Grover Cleveland Alexander was pitching against the Boston Braves, and the Cubs weren’t doing too well.

“Stupid Cubs! When’s the last time they had a real team?” some guy at the bar growled.

Someone answered, “1918. Eight years! Da bums.” He slammed his mug on the bar and pointed to it, letting Otto know he wanted another.

“Hey! Alexander’s a great pitcher. If anyone can help the Cubbies pull this out, it’s him.” Freddy didn’t like hearing guys talk bad about the Cubbies. He loved them and would like to hang around to listen to the game, but didn’t dare.

Otto pushed the pail across, shook his head slightly, and said, “Don’t you know bein’ a Cubs fan is gonna break your heart, kid?” The men all laughed.

Freddy took the pail, walking as quickly as he could without sloshing. It was only two blocks to home, but the wire handle cut into his hands. His arms ached by the time he set the pail on the sink-board. He pumped cool water to get the kinks from his fingers.

When he turned around, Poppa loomed over him. Poppa lifted the lid and nodded with a satisfied look. “No wasteful foam. Das ist gut. And you didn’t spill none. Ya. Sehr gut.”

Yes. That is good. Good he got it right. Poppa took a glass mug from the cupboard and dipped into the beer. He drank it down without a breath and filled it again, sat heavily at the kitchen table, and kicked another chair out from under it.

“Come. We talk.” He nodded toward the chair.

Freddy heard a whisper of feet by the partly-closed door to the hallway. His older sisters, Emmi and Gertrud, peeked between door and frame. Emmi crouched so Trudy could see over her, and she wiggled her forefinger at Freddy as if waving hello. Freddy sat. His feet didn’t quite reach the floor, and he swung them without thinking.

Poppa drank another half beer and wiped flecks of foam from his bushy mustache. His sharp blue eyes pinned Freddy to the chair.

“Momma been getting sicker and sicker. Doctor says she needs better medicine and food. More meat and such. You want Momma to get well, don’tcha?” Poppa said.

“Of course, Poppa. We all want Momma to get well.” Why would he ask?

Freddy searched his memory, trying to figure out when she had first gotten sick. It was a few days before Christmas. Now in August, she still stayed in bed, so small she was like a doll under the covers. Even though Trudy was only fourteen and Emmi twelve, they took care of Momma, bathing her and helping her turn so she wouldn’t get sores. They didn’t go to school anymore. Trudy whizzed around with brooms and rags, keeping everything shining. When Freddy smelled delicious aromas, he knew Emmi was in the kitchen, working her magic with vegetables from the garden the three of them kept in the back yard.

But everyone worried about Momma – his sisters and even his grown brothers, Walter and Karl, who came by to visit two or three times a week after work.

Freddy helped Momma walk to the back porch each afternoon to sit in the sun for a little. He was almost as tall as she was and thought he probably weighed more. He surely was stronger. When she laid her hand on his arm, it was as if a dry autumn leaf had landed there. Sometimes he thought he should carry her out, but she was so fragile, he was afraid she would break or fly away on a puff of wind.

Poppa picked up the salt shaker and sprinkled some in his beer. “They cutting back hours at the factory. They only gonna pay us to work ten hours each day and only half a day on Saturdays starting next week.” He stared at the table top, then picked up the glass and drained it again. “You gonna need to go, Freddy. We can’t afford to keep you.”

Freddy heard a quiet sob from behind the door. When he looked, Trudy was gone, but Emmi remained, her eyes wide and full of tears. Freddy swallowed hard, forcing his own tears down.

“Go, Poppa? Go where?” Freddy tried to look into his Poppa’s eyes, but Poppa took his jackknife out, opened the little blade, and started cleaning the black from under his cracked, blunt fingernails.

When Poppa spoke, his voice was thick, as if he needed to clear his throat. He seemed embarrassed. “We don’t got enough, Freddy. You’re a man now. You need to go.”

“Poppa,” Freddy said, almost a whisper, “Please, Poppa. I’m only ten. I don’t know where to go. I can find milk bottles and turn ‘em in. Or carry shopping for rich ladies. Maybe Otto down at the bar will lemme sweep and mop. I won’t eat much. I can —”

“Stop!” Poppa thundered, his fist hitting the table hard. The salt shaker fell over, spilling on the table top. Freddy stared. That was bad luck. He should throw some over his shoulder, but he couldn’t move.

Poppa stood and walked to the sink-board to fill his glass.

Freddy stared at the pail. It had cost a quarter. A QUARTER! And Poppa had one every day. But he couldn’t afford to keep his son.


  1. I love the line you added where Freddy participates in the discussion at the bar! Yay! I think "Poppa was usually happy after work, but not today" maybe ought to be something like "Usually after work was the only time Freddy could count on for Poppa to be happy." because it still feels a little out of place with the way you're setting up Poppa's character.

    Still love the talk with Poppa. Heart wrenching.

  2. Yes! The voice is really sharpening. Lines like, "He had seen the back of Poppa’s hand enough times to know not to make him wait" and "Why would he ask?" are wonderful for giving us a glimpse of Freddy's thought processes.

    I do find the bit about the Cubs a little too obviously expository. This line stuck out for me: "Someone answered, “1918. Eight years! Da bums.”" It seemed to be there so the reader could do the math in her head and figure out the exact year in which the story is set. I think it boils down to the fact that this particular line of dialogue just didn't feel true to me. Just citing a date without any other information seemed... off.

    I mean, if I were talking about sports, I'd be talking about the players themselves, not just dates. Wouldn't someone say something more like, "Not since Kowalski packed it up in 1918" or a similar sentiment? Right now, it seems like the patron is just pulling a number out of thin air.

    As far as characters go, thus far, I'm really liking your portrayal of Poppa. It's very subtle. I can tell that Poppa is feeling mixed emotions here, but you're not clubbing me over the head with that.

    Overall, the passage is tighter and stronger. Brava!

  3. Hi Rosi,

    I'm not going to repeat what I've already said, although I still believe it all applies :D. I'd like you to establish earlier that he is ten, but do it in an unobtrusive way or humorous way. That way, you don't have to have him say, "but I'm only ten." You can go straight to "But where will I go?" which would be more poignant.

    I'm not sure about the wasteful foam conversation, but I think you could easily make that part of Freddy's comeback to Poppa, part of his bargaining. But who will get your beer and bring it back the way you like it, etc. etc.

    This has so much potential, Rosi, but be very careful to establish things at the beginning so that you don't lapse into melodrama during the situation with Poppa. The situation is so extreme right now, and Poppa has no redeeming characteristics at all, so ultimately we're not getting as much power out of the scene as we could if you rounded that character a bit more, and gave us more of Freddy's family life.

    I like the way you've brought out the voice more though, and I love knowing that he wants to be an architect.



  4. Thanks for all the good comments. I'm working on it...


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