Tuesday, May 31, 2011

4 1st Five Pages Workshop - May Rev 3 - Entry #5

CHAPTER ONE

Sunlight beamed in through the window and bounced off Grandpa’s bald spot. “It's time."

"It's only 3:30, Grandpa." Ten minutes to say good-bye to my nursing home buddies, five minutes to bike home. Plenty of time to win our weekly chess smack-down.

I slid the black pawn into position and leaned back to observe my work.
A few more moves and this time the win would be mine. All mine. I waited patiently for Grandpa’s next move--sometimes he forgot he was supposed to be playing chess and fell asleep. I looked up, but his eyes were far away, an even more faded blue than my favorite jeans. “Grandpa? Do you want me to call the nurse?"

“Eh? What?” He jerked back to the present and scowled at the board. I was winning. Finally.

I rubbed my palms together in glee. Mwahahaha. All those months of chess club had finally paid off. Now he would succumb to my brilliance. Now he would sink into the black abyss of failure. Now he would . . . move his knight across from mine, totally blocking my capture of his queen. Then he gave a little chuckle. I always lost when he gave that chuckle. The Chuckle of Doom.

"Pay attention, boy." Grandpa wiggled a finger in his ear, causing the furry gray tufts of what hair he had left to stick out like a horned owl’s. "I'm trying to tell you, it's time."

"And I'm telling you it's only 3:30." Having a grandpa in the nursing home meant repeating yourself. Over and over and over. But still, he was pretty cool for an old dude. We had the same red hair, blue eyes and freckles. And our chess games rivaled some WWE wrestling matches.

My hand hovered over the knight. The perfect move? Or the Kiss of Death?
I slid it into position, and a trickle of sweat zoomed down my nose.

Grandpa coughed – years of cigar smoking – making him sound like a cat hacking up a hairball. He shuffled to the closet and rummaged around.
"It's time I passed along to you my greatest treasure."

Treasure? My ears tuned in like a satellite dish. "Cool, Grandpa.” A watch? A medal from the war?

Something heavy flopped into my lap. It clanked, heavy metal sounds like that time I dropped my dad’s tool box. Soft black leather, a long strap that dangled down.

I looked over my shoulder at Grandpa. He seemed smaller than usual, maybe a bit more wrinkly. "What's this?" It looked like some kind of purse. I was not impressed.

"It's a fanny pack." His voice was dry.

"A fanny pack." Mine was dryer.

"What are you, a parrot? Put it on, put it on."

I stood and half-heartedly strapped it on. If one of the kids in my class saw me, my Dwayne the Dweeb status would be sealed for all eternity.

The strap was too long, but with a mighty tug, Grandpa shortened up the belt, leaving several feet of black webbing dangling by the side of my hip. Even I, secure in my nerd world of graphing calculators and electronic gadgetry, would never wear a fanny pack.

"Perfect fit." Grandpa's voice was extra croaky today, rattling around the words like a marble in a washing machine. He settled back in his chair, seemingly satisfied at having made me an even bigger dork than I was that morning.

“What’s in here, Grandpa? Bricks?” I wiggled back and forth, listening to the clinking of heavy metals. It weighed more than a weeks worth of homework. I tugged at the zipper to see what was inside, and received a sharp zzzzap for my efforts. I jerked my hand back and jammed tingling fingers in my mouth. Who on earth wires a fanny pack for electronic shock?

“Eh, maybe it’s not quite time yet.” Grandpa reached over to undo the clasp – thank you baby Jesus – but jerked his hand back when a small blue arc reached out and got him. I could hear the sizzle of fingerprints being burnt off. “Criminy, that smarts,” he mumbled around his fingers. “Or maybe it is.”

I held my arms out to my sides, not sure I wanted a repeat lesson in Electric Shock 101. “How do we get it off?”

“Looks like you’re stuck in it for awhile laddie, until it decides to let you in.”

Crazy talk. Grandpa’s meds must be off again. Fanny packs don’t decide when to let you open them. Gritting my teeth I took another yank at the zipper.

Zzzzap!

Criminy. I jammed my fingers in my mouth. The fanny pack must be cursed.
And I was stuck wearing it. I snorted. As soon as I was out the door, I'd find some way to get it off and toss it in a closet at home. "Umm, Grandpa?" He stared at the chess board, obviously blown away by my latest maneuver. The fanny pack was forgotten. I rubbed my hands together again and waited as he contemplated his next move.

And contemplated more. Coming from a long line of geniuses, I’d learned they required more time for contemplating. And quiet. After a few more moments of further contemplating however, I heard a snore.

Game time was over. Grandpa was down for the count with his afternoon nap and I was wearing a fanny pack.

Well, this was bogus.

I left Grandpa sleeping in his chair and tiptoed out of his room.

Truthfully, most of our chess matches ended up just this way. Except when he won. And then the old man giggled up a storm and did a butt wiggle in some kind of senior citizen victory dance. Whatever.

The door closed quietly behind me, and I took one small step in the hallway, my hand already on the strap of the pack. I checked the hallway to see if anyone was looking. The coast was clear. It was coming off.

Right. Now.

There was no way José I was walking past the nurse’s station with this thing swinging from my waist.

Keeping my hands away from the zipper, I tugged and pulled, spun it around and tugged again. Nothing. I jumped, pushing down on the webbing when I jumped up. Nada. Maybe I could slip it down over my hips. I gave a little butt wiggle. Zero. I was starting to break a sweat. Trapped in a fanny pack. With that thought, I wiggled even harder, failing to notice anyone approaching until suddenly two feet clad in those awful plastic white clogs stopped in front of me. Nurse McMurphy. The most hated nurse in Shady Acres. She looked like a bulldog with liver spots.

I quickly spun the pack to the back. Maybe she wouldn’t notice. "Problem?"

Great. She'd noticed.

"No, no problem."

"Did you need help unfastening that?"

She pointed a finger at my nobbly bits. At least that's where it felt she was pointing. I'm pretty sure she was really gesturing to the fanny pack. Besides, the thought of her, fiddling right there? So not gonna happen.

"Um. No. Ma'am. I mean, no, ma'am." I hung my head and poked at the strap. “Here.” She reached out a blue-veined hand and hooked it in the strap. I quickly sucked in my gut and any other parts nearby as she started to reach for the buckle, jerking my body from side to side like a Great Dane with a chew toy.

4 comments:

  1. Carrie,


    Love this--Grandpa's voice was extra croaky today, rattling around the words like a marble in a washing machine.

    My only critique would be the last paragraph--although he doesn't want Nurse McMurphy around his nobbly bits, maybe throw in a thought about the fanny pack zapping her wouldn't be a bad idea. I mean if he can't get out of it, maybe he could get a little satisfaction out of jolting the evil nurse ;)

    Great job. Lots of fun reading this.

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  2. Hi,

    I love how immersed we are in his voice (especially that he would judge weight by days worth of homework.)

    I like that you left out the orangutan ear bit because I realize in retrospect that felt a bit cliche.

    My only crit is that this one phrase tripped me up: "and I took one small step in the hallway"

    I don't know if the "one small step" just puts me on the moon, but it felt a bit awkward. "and I stepped in the hallway" would keep the focus on the last clause in the sentence.

    But this is FABULOUS! I'll miss reading it.

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  3. Awesome as always!! I like the suggestion above about the pack zapping the nurse or the thought of it. My only other nit pick would be to possibly take out the second "criminy" but then again, maybe it's cute because Grandpa just said it...

    FABULOUS WORK!

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  4. Wonderful. Last few tweaky things. Consider using the opening line to insert Dwayne's name. We know that Grandpa is Grandpa, so you can leave that off of Dwayne's dialogue and just have him say "It's only 3:30."

    Everything was smooth as glass after that until the "but with a mighty tug, Grandpa " line. I'd recommend simplifying that, going more directly to Grandpa doing some action. There's a lot of tugs in a row, so maybe choose another verb and leave off the mighty.

    Maybe you could use a "like" in "it's where it felt she was pointed"

    And last night, you've got a couple of "straps" in a row. Maybe rephrase that.

    That's all I've got. SOOOOO darn good. Fantastic job. Please come back to do a WOW post when you land an agent, okay? We'd love it! :D

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