Thursday, September 30, 2010

2 Query Letter #31

Query Letter #31
Steph
Megaland
Genre: Upper Middle Grade – Contemporary

Dear Sarah LaPolla,

When 14-year-old artist Inky Kahn picks the new girl, Amanda, as his secret muse, he never imagines his drawings will be used by a creepy game developer to lure his classmate to danger.

Thanks so much for offering your time to allow us to pitch. I’m looking for representation for MEGALAND, a 50,000 word high-tech YA thriller set in the under-parented, high-expectation world of a Manhattan international prep school.

Inky’s cyber-geek friend, Rungs, turns him on to a computer game in development, thinking it’ll help Inky get over his father’s death and be a way to showcase his art. But when the new girl cuts her hair to mimic one of the drawings and starts talking about an upcoming date as if Inky was the developer, Inky and Rungs do some cyber-sleuthing and discover that Amanda has made a date with a convicted child molester.

But they’re smart kids, too smart to be duped, especially when Inky thought the game developer was his friend, or at least someone he could open up to when they chatted. Equipped with spy gear from Rungs’ intelligence-officer father and a provocative drawing by Inky, they try to trap the creep before he can put his hands on their friend.

My essays and articles have been published in The New York Times, The Boston Herald, Sojourner, The New York Press, bettyconfidential.com, Yahoo Shine and other publications. My professional background in media marketing and I’m currently an interactive content manager. I would actively use my contacts and experience to market this book.

Thanks so much for your consideration.

Sincerely,

2 comments:

  1. Hi Steph,

    I'm intrigued by your pitch, but I'm not honestly sure what kind of story I'm being promised - if that makes sense. First we're told that he chose the girl as his muse, then we're told she cuts her hair to mimic the drawing - which is confusing. Also, I wonder how she knows about the in-development game and how the child molester knew about her.

    "But they’re smart kids, too smart to be duped, especially when Inky thought the game developer was his friend, or at least someone he could open up to when they chatted." This sentence seems to contradict itself, since the final clause describes Inky being duped.

    "Equipped with spy gear from Rungs’ intelligence-officer father and a provocative drawing by Inky, they try to trap the creep before he can put his hands on their friend." I haven't read the story so clearly I don't know, but this sentence makes it seem as though the plot is very simplistic. As in the only conflict is whether their friend will be molested... what makes it less than a straightforward process? What does the international prep school have to do with it?

    I hope my notes are helpful!

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  2. You've got an interesting premise, but there's still a bit to be cleaned up here.

    First, your opening is confusing because you go from logline to "why&what-I'm-querying" back to pitching. The second paragraph should either be your first or last paragraph. I'd suggest moving it up and then going into your logline and pitch.

    Also your pitch paragraph ("Inky’s cyber-geek friend, Rungs, turns him on to a computer game in development...") is confusing. A few tweaks should clear this up. As worded, it's unclear whether the drawings are of Amanda or she's trying to look like them and whether she thinks she's going on a date with Inky.

    Overall, your story sounds very interesting. Just clarify a few things and you should be good to go! Best of luck!

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