Thursday, September 30, 2010

2 Query Letter #29

Query Letter #29
Jess Pettit
Leeam and the World of Two Moons
YA Fantasy Fiction

Dear Ms. LaPolla,

When people read fiction, they escape from the mundane into the fantastic. A good work of fiction is an open door to somewhere the reader never wants to leave. In that way, anyone who's ever read a good book will empathize with the plight facing Leeam Lace, the main character of my story.

Fifteen-year-old Leeam regains the ability to use his legs after waking up in a mysterious, parallel world, but each step he takes into this empty, dying land brings him closer to disaster.

The story begins as Leeam chases his cat, who he thought was dead, into the woods. His wheelchair catches on the touch terrain and spills Leeam head first into a rock. When Leeam wakes, he's shocked to find that not only can he walk, but that he is among strange and fantastic creatures, including shape-shifters like Maybelle, who discovers Leeam in the forest her tribe has taken refuge in.

Maybelle's tribe survives through secrecy—through them, Leeam discovers secrets about his own past and disability. He'll have to come to grips with these and a budding romance with Maybelle; though, time is running out for the World of Two Moons. The tyrannical Overseer of Day, an angry Living God draws near, bent on reclaiming what was stolen from his childhood, and will stop at nothing short of global genocide to do so. Ultimately, Leeam must decide if he is ready to give his life for a world that isn't even his; to risk returning to a life without Maybelle. And worse: to confront the possibility that like good fiction, Leeam's entire adventure may have been too good to be true.

Thank you for taking the time to read this query about my 50,000 word Y.A. fantasy, Leeam and the World of Two Moons.

Sincerely,

Jess Pettit

2 comments:

  1. Hi Jess,

    I have to say, I immediately thought of Avatar or The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant series.

    The Living God comes so late in the query that I'm not sure how important whatever was stolen in his childhood is.

    Also, I was wondering about the significance of the World of Two Moons - do these moons comes into play at all?

    Hope this helps! Good luck!

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  2. Jess, I would strip out the entire first paragraph. Time after time I read that agents want to see one of two things in the opening paragraph - either an intro (how do you know of them, why are you querying them) or start right into your hook. They don't want to hear why they should like your book, they want to see it.

    I think you should merge the first two paragraphs. They are repetitive and some of it is unnecessary. Consider this:

    Fifteen-year-old Leeam regains the ability to use his legs after hitting his head and waking in a mysterious, parallel World of Two Moons. The land is full of strange and fantastic creatures, including shape-shifters like Maybelle, who discovers Leeam in the forest her tribe has taken refuge in.

    You really lost me in this next paragraph...

    Maybelle's tribe survives through secrecy—through them, Leeam discovers secrets about his own past and disability. He'll have to come to grips with these and a budding romance with Maybelle. [I moved the name up above to avoid confusion.] The tyrannical Overseer of Day, an angry Living God draws near, bent on reclaiming what was stolen from his childhood, and will stop at nothing short of global genocide to do so. Ultimately, Leeam must decide if he is ready to give his life for a world that isn't even his; to risk returning to a life without Maybelle [how is Leeam involved in this? Does he battle the God? I'm not sure of the true battle/conflict here]. And worse: to confront the possibility that like good fiction, Leeam's entire adventure may have been too good to be true. [This last sentence sounded kind of cliche]

    ReplyDelete

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