Thursday, September 30, 2010

2 Query Letter #28

Query Letter #28
Only one man can make the magical stones that repel dark creatures and keep the island safe; and when that man goes missing, a shipwrecked twelve-year-old, Bennett Nelson, sets out to find him.

Bennett Nelson washes ashore Isla de Sangra Mala after a fiery shipwreck, only to find the natives have been anticipating his arrival. Years before his birth, Bennett’s name was carved into the Shield of Stone by a mystical, prophetic creature. A stone that holds the names of every hero or warrior to walk the island.

Because his name is on the stone, Bennett is placed in a special camp for children of the Brotherhood; an organization bound together against an evil man who wants control of the island, Luciadoye the Great. There he attends lessons, learns of magical stones that can do almost anything, plants that can gobble you up in three bites, and potions that would make for an awesome practical joke.

It's all fun and games until Dr. River, the only known maker of the stones, goes missing, and Luciadoye is the number one suspect. Wanting to prove himself to the Brotherhood, Bennett sets out to find and rescue the Doctor, taking his two new friends with him. But rough terrain and lying adults stand in their way. They must hurry before Lucidoye can use Dr. Rivers' power to take over the island.

I am seeking representation for my middle grade heroic fantasy, BENNETT NELSON AND THE MAKER OF THE STONES. It is complete at 55,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
A. J. Spindle

2 comments:

  1. Ooh, this sounds interesting!

    Consider: The way this is written makes it seem like all this stuff is happening around Bennett, rather than Bennett taking control of his story and driving the plot. For instance, IMHO, the last paragraph really captures the essence of the story and the preceding paragraphs feel like the set up preceding the story.

    In other words, reading the last paragraph really got me excited about this story. The preceding paragraphs didn't have the same spunk--don't get me wrong, they were interesting, but didn't have the same "punch" as the last paragraph.

    BTW, consider nixing the "all fun and games"--it's an over-used phrase, IMHO.

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  2. A.J. I think this is too long for a query. Here are some questions and thoughts...

    Only one man can make the magical stones that repel dark creatures and keep the island safe; and when that man goes missing, a shipwrecked twelve-year-old, Bennett Nelson, sets out to find him. [I would delete this entire paragraph. It's your elevator pitch, and you repeat it all in the query below. I think starting with your next paragraph is perfectly fine.]

    Bennett Nelson washes ashore Isla de Sangra Mala after a fiery shipwreck, only to find the natives have been anticipating his arrival. Years before his birth, Bennett’s name was carved into the Shield of Stone by a mystical, prophetic creature. [I would cut "a mystical, prophetic creature and merge this sentence with the next] A stone that holds the names of every hero or warrior to walk the island.

    Because his name is on the stone, Bennett is placed in a special camp for children of the Brotherhood; an organization bound together against an evil man who wants control of the island, Luciadoye the Great [is this the name of the man or the island? In either case, I don't think it's necessary]. There he [Bennett?] attends lessons, learns of magical stones that can do almost anything, plants that can gobble you up in three bites, and potions that would make for an awesome practical joke. [While I like the voice in this sentence, I don't think it's necessary and feels too much like a synopsis.]

    It's all fun and games until Dr. River, the only known maker of the stones, goes missing, and Luciadoye is the number one suspect. Wanting to prove himself to the Brotherhood, Bennett sets out to find and rescue the Doctor, taking his two new friends with him. But rough terrain and lying adults stand in their way. They must hurry before Lucidoye can use Dr. Rivers' power to take over the island.

    ReplyDelete

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