Thursday, September 30, 2010

3 Query Letter #26

Query Letter #26
Name: Jamie Manning
Title: Ever
Genre: YA Paranormal

Dear Ms. LaPolla,

Waking up in a coffin hungry for blood is only the beginning for Everly Blue. Her desire to pound back plasma, though, pales in comparison to her desire for Chance Caldon, the hottie who dug her up. He's gorgeous, super-nice, and has delicious-smelling blood that Everly very much wants to taste. But when Chance tells Everly that she's now half vampire, her world turns upside down.

Half vamp? No way. Everly can't believe it. Not until Devon, a thousan-year-old vampire, shows up and tells her it's true. And that he's the one who turned her. Now Everly has to deal with that sudden lust for blood and a sudden desire to see Devon dead. She's a monster now, she can feel it. And her life might as well be over.

But redemption may not be lost. Devon turned Everly to save her life after finding her nearly dead, and now he's giving her a chance to reclaim her humanity. The price? Kill 100 vampires or stay a bloodsucker forever.

So with Chance by her side and no other choice, Everly sets out to get her life back. All the while dealing with her growing feelings for her human saviour, her hatred for Devon (who she knows is hiding something), some new-found vampire-hunting friends and that pesky taste for blood that just won't go away.

But when Everly starts killing vampires, the local coven decides to find her first, igniting a battle that could destroy all that Everly has worked for. In the end, Everly is forced to make a decision that may be impossible to live with, undead or not.

My young adult novel, EVER, is complete at 70,000 words. I think fans of the supernatural will enjoy this story of a girl thrown into a life of danger and romance. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Jamie Manning

3 comments:

  1. This has a nice voice, which I'm assuming matches the tone of the novel (a good thing). It seems slightly long to me, altho that could just be me. Agents are busy people, and the briefer (yet complete), the better; a query is simply to whet their appetite. Your line at the end about fans of the supernatural seems a little unnecessary. It's obvious the story has romance and danger, and supernatural stories mostly all have that, so it's an unneeded line.

    One thing that snagged me, that while "pound back plasma" has a kinda catchy ring to it, plasma is not blood, it's only part of the blood--and not the red part, either. Vampires don't only drink the plasma (unless she's diff?). It's not accurate.

    There's a typo in the 2nd paragraph: thousan w/o the d. I do love the sentence about the "pesky taste for blood that just won't go away." In the 2nd paragraph, you have 2 sentences that begin with And. I'd omit at least one, probably the last one. It reads fine--and actually stronger--w/o the And: Her life might as well be over. In the 4th paragraph, it seems the "the" isn't needed in the second sentence (all the while...).
    But these are all tweaky things. Once you tidy those up, I think you'll have a great query letter!

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  2. I agree with Carol that this has a great voice, but is also way too long. It should be 2 paragraphs (or 3 short ones max) about the plot - otherwise it starts to feel too much like a synopsis. We need the hook, the conflict, and why we care.

    The other thing that struck me is odd was in why she was surprised in paragraph 2. She woke up in a coffin, thirsted after someone's blood, and was surprised to find out that she was a vampire? Really? I think the only thing I'd be surprised about was that I was only a half-vampire (which is what I initially thought!)

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  3. I love the voice! However,I think it has to be expressed in small bites in the query for time's sake. What's the basic premise?

    Everly Blue's thirst for blood, pales in comparison to her desire for Chance Caldon, the hottie who dug her up.

    I think that sums it up in the first line. The rest really needs to be trimmed. What stuck out for me... which is JMHO... is the price. 1,000 souls gives you freedom. That's a hard decision, maybe. Tell me why? Are they innocents? Babies?

    The victims would draw me in because that is a moral dilemma. I'm not so drawn to who did her and ran. I'd stress the conflict.

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