Thursday, September 30, 2010

2 Query Letter #19

Query Letter #19
Name: Jared Larson
Title: I'm Here to Save Your Day: The Adventures of Bo Wolf
Genre: MG Adventure

Dear Ms. LaPolla,

Bo Wolf is not your average bully-slaying sixth grader. Sure, the other kids tease him about his arms looking like flexi-straws, and they tell him to go back to his home on Dweeb Island, but Bo doesn't care. With his mad fencing skills and soon-to-be ravishing good looks, he's convinced he's on the road to awesomeness.

After impressing a schoolyard gang by defeating their leader in a broomstick combat, Bo agrees to help them take on the meanest and ugliest bully known to middle school– Grendul– who's taken the playground jungle gym for his own.

However, when Bo puts the smack-down on Grendul, he finds a much more powerful adversary in the bully's mom, the school lunch lady. Angered by her precious son's defeat, the lunch lady, who's covertly a witch, plots to poison the entire school with her irresistible ginger snaps. But with the help of a spunky girl named Reagan, Bo discovers the diabolical plan.

In his attempt to stop her, Bo befriends a drocket (a dragon that shrinks to fit in your pocket), that’s been enslaved for years by the witch’s dark magic. Bo must face his self-doubt and with the help of the drocket, embark on a rescue mission to save the middle school from an imminent cafeteria-induced death.

Complete at 35,000 words, I'M HERE TO SAVE YOUR DAY: THE ADVENTURES OF BO WOLF is a middle grade retelling of Beowulf, set within the tumultuous battlefields of the middle school playground.

Sarah, I’m submitting to you because I’m confident my book will have a great home with you as its representation. I’m a follower of, Glass Cases, and the first five pages of this MS were posted on your site.
The full manuscript is available at your request.

Thank you,

Jared Larson

2 comments:

  1. LOL, I love this concept! Seems like a really fun read. Plus, I like the voice in your query.

    Consider:

    In the first para--how does Bo know that he's soon to have ravishing good looks?

    There's a lot of characters mentioned in the query--most advice is to limit the number of characters to 2 or 3.

    Some of the sentences are structured in a way that could be considered POV switching..for ex, the paragraph describing the lunch lady. You describe her motivations, but it appears to come from her POV. I wonder if you could re-word it to come from Bo's POV.

    I'd be interested to learn more about the spunky girl Reagan...she's his helper, but that's all I know. Unless she's integral to the plot, you may consider nixing her and streamlining to just Bo and his nemesis.

    Initially, it seems Bo's antagonist is Grendul...then the lunch lady. I wonder which one it truly is. Highlight that, IMHO.

    Nice job!

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  2. I love this query letter, and your book sounds awesome! I especially love that the characters in your middle grade book are based on Beowulf, Grendel, and Grendel’s mother – that is sheer genius. And I love your wonderful sense of humor that shines through. If this book were published, I would definitely purchase a copy!

    One minor edit ... In the sentence “In his attempt to stop her, Bo befriends a drocket (a dragon that shrinks to fit in your pocket), that’s been enslaved for years by the witch’s dark magic.” – I would remove the comma right after the parentheses.

    Also, the second to last paragraph doesn’t sound as tightly written as the rest of your query letter. Since your query letter’s already addressed to Sarah, I wouldn’t mention her name again at the beginning of that paragraph. Also, “submitting to you” sounds awkwardly worded. I would also recommend removing some of the commas in that paragraph. I would spell out “manuscript” rather than saying “MS”. And I would tighten up some of your other wording in that paragraph. How about something like the following?: “I’m writing to you because I’m confident my book will have a great home with you as its representation. I’m a follower of your Glass Cases Blog, and was delighted when you posted the first five pages of this manuscript on Glass Cases.”

    Good luck with your book! It sounds fascinating!

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